Hogwarts:Musical(Merlin Help Us)And Other Potions!
by Suikoden
Summary: There is a safeguard on Hogwarts-Potions!!But when it backfires the consequences are hilarious!They sing,dance,and get raunchy!!Hot pants,trampolines and,ahem,Professor Poopypants join in the festivities!!!
1. Oh, Lord Help Us...

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** None, yet!

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…what is it??

**Extra A/N:** Set B4 the 4th book, so Oliver is still here!! The songs are in **Bold**, (adlibs are in curvy brackets), [Narrations in square brackets] and *actions are between stars*.The music disclaimer at end, so as not to spoil the surprise ¬_¬;

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**Hogwarts: The Musical.**

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[Once upon a far away land there was a school for witches and wizards. At this school there was a very famous person called, um, Harry Potter, and a bad wizard, called Voldemort, was after his guts]

[On the first day all students attending Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry are sat in the Great Hall, happily eating their breakfast of McMuffins, because the house Elves are on Strike as part of Hermione's S.P.E.W thing. Dumbledore is chatting happily to a not so happy Severus Snape. Harry, Ron and Hermione are holding a glaring match with Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. Everyone is happy and content (except Sevvykins) until gasp! Voldemort bursts into the Hall, brandishing his wand!]

Voldemort: Harry Potter! We end this here and now!

[Unfortunately, there is a safeguard on the castle, which means that any nasty persons, who just happened to be called Voldemort, who happen to come into the school brandishing his wand, gets got by Singing Potion.]

Voldemort: Ack!

Harry: Ha ha!

[Unfortunately, this system was still under construction, and the whole Hall was filled with the invisible potion.]

Harry: Ah. Not so good.

Draco: Oh, you think so?

[Hacks and coughs as the doors slam shut. Draco suddenly jerks, runs like hell to the Gryffindor table and jumps onto it, right in front of Harry, bursting into song. Harry, also affected by the potion, also jumps onto the table in reply…]

Draco:                                                              Harry:

**Anything you can do,**

**I can do better.**

**I can do anything **

**better than you.**

**                                                                        No, you can't**

**Yes, I can,                                                       No, you can't**

**Yes, I can,                                                       No, you can't**

**Yes, I can, yes, I can!**

**                                                                        Anything you can be,**

**                                                                        I can be greater.**

**                                                                        Sooner or later,**

**                                                                        I'm greater than you.**

***Pouts* No you're not                               Yes I am**

**No you're not                                                 Yes I am**

**No you're NOT                                        Yes I am, yes I am**

**I can shoot a partridge,**

**With a single cartridge,**

**                                                                        I can get a sparrow**

**                                                                        With a bow and arrow.**

**I can live on bread and cheese.**

**                                                                        And only that?**

**Yes.**

**                                                                        So can a rat!**

**I can drink my liquor**

**Faster than a flicker. **

*****Sev raises eyebrows*

                                                                        **I can drink it quicker**

**                                                                        And get even sicker! **

(Sev: 50 points from Gryffindor!)

**Any note you can hold**

**I can hold longer.**

**                                                                        I can hold any note **

**longer than you**

**No you can't                                                   Yes I can**

**No you can't                                                   Yes I can**

**Go on then                                                      I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I C-A-A-A - HACK! **

***Cough Cough***

**Oh dear, I'm not even going to try.**

**Anything you can wear**

**I can wear better**

**In what you wear, **

**I'd look better than you**

**In my coat?                                                     In your vest!**

**In my shoes?                                                  In your hat!**

**How about-                                                     Don't go there, Draco. I do have principals.**

**I can jump a hurdle**

**                                                                        I can wear a girdle**

(All: Oh my god, Harry! *Neville faints*)

                                                                        (Sev: Kinky Devil!)

**Well, um, I can, er, knit a sweater!**

**                                                                        *smug* I can fill it better**

***snort* I can do anything!**

**                                                                        Can you bake a pie?**

(Hermione: Ooh, I can, I can!)

**Er, no.**

**                                                                        Neither can I.**

**Anything you can be,**

**                                                                        I can be greater.**

**                                                                        Sooner or later,**

**                                                                        I'm greater than you.**

***Growls* No you're not                               Yes I am**

**No you're not                                                 Yes I am**

**No you're NOT                                        Yes I am, **

**                                                                        YES. I. AM!!!**

[The two continue their glaring match, as Voldemort sighs and stares out of the window. Uh oh, I fear a song is coming…]

Midnight. Not a sound from the pavement.   
Has the moon lost her memory? 

(Ron: No, but you've lost your marbles…)

  
She is smiling alone.   
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet   
And the wind begins to moan. 

(Harry: He's making us feel sorry for him! Make him stop!

Hermione: Oh, hush.)  
  
Memory. All alone in the moonlight   
I can smile at the old days, 

(Harry: Please don't, it scares me when you 'smile)

  
I was beautiful then. 

(Ron: *Snorts* Yeah, right.)

  
I remember the time I knew what happiness was, 

(Draco: He knows what happiness is? Me thinks not.)

  
Let the memory live again.   
  
Every street lamp seems to beat 

a fatalistic warning.   
Someone mutters and a street lamp gutters and soon it will be morning.   
  
Daylight. I must wait for the dark mark, 

(Draco: You'll be waiting s VERY long time, Voldy, old boy, if we have anything to do with it!)

  
I must think of a new life (Harry: Huh?)  
And I mustn't give in.   
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too   
And a new day will begin.   
  
Burnt out ends of smokey days, the stale old smell of morning.   
The street lamp dies, another night is over, another day is dawning.   
  
(Sunlight, through the trees in summer   
Endless masquerading   
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking   
The memory is fading.)   
  
Touch me. (Harry: Uh, no thanks) It's so easy to leave me (Ron and Draco: Yup!)  
All alone with the memory   
Of my days in the sun. 

(Harry: (wicked witch of the west) Help me! I'm melting! I'm meeltiiing!!

  
If you touch me (Harry: Voldy, darling, no touching, sweetie.) you'll understand what happiness is.   
Look, a new day has begun.

(Harry: Who wants to be the one to tell him that the time is now 10:23 am, beeep)

[Voldemort continues to sulk in the corner as Scabbers scampers up to Ron]

Ron: Why you!

Scabbers: Wait! Look into my eyes…

**Trust in me, just in me  
shut your eyes and trust in me  
you can sleep safe and sound  
Knowing I am around **

**Slip into silent slumber  
Sail on a silver mist  
Slowly and surely your senses  
will cease to resist **

**Trust in me, just in me  
Shut your eyes and trust in me** **– ACK!**

[Ron was halfway through strangling the rat when Voldemort snatched him away.]

Ron: Hmph!

{Enter Dumbledore}

[Dumbledore is frantically running about the hall in panic, telling everyone they must pack up and leave…]

Dumbledore:

**Higitus Figitus zumbabazing  
I want your attention ev'rything!  
We're packing to leave come on let's go  
books are always the first you know **

**Hockety pockety wockety wack  
abracabra dabra nack  
Shrink in size very small  
we've got to save enough room for all  
Higitus Figitus migitus mum  
pres-ti-dig-i-ton-i-um! **

**Neville you belong to the "G's"  
alphabetical order please  
Ali-i-ca-fez bal-a-ca-zez  
malacamez meripides  
diminish diminish dictionary  
those words in your vocabulary  
Hockety pockety wockety wack  
that's the way we have to pack.  
Higitus Figitus migitus mum  
pres-ti-dig-i-ton-i-um! **

**Higitus Figitus zoomacazam  
don't get in a trafic jam  
Whomping Willow you're getting rough  
the poor old cauldron's cracked enough  
Hockety pockety wockety wack  
odds and ends and bric a brac **

**Higitus Figitus migitus mum,  
pres-ti-dig-i-ton-i-um.  
Higitus Figitus migitus mum,  
pres-ti-dig-i-ton-i-um! **

[Dumbledore continues to try and pack everything and everyone when there is a smash! behind them. Someone has smashed the window in the Great Hall and all attention turns to the broken shards on the floor.]

{Enter Harry, Ron, Hermione and Snape}

Snape: *snarl* I might have known, Potter, that YOU would have something to do with this.

Hermione: Sir! It wasn't us! It was Draco Malfoy!

Snape: *grins* and how, exactly, did he do it. Maybe he was a master criminal who can defy the law. *snort* You'd think he's Macavity. *claps hand over mouth as soon as he realises what he said.*

Harry, Ron, Hermione: Funny you should say that…

[Lights dim, cue music, spotlights rest on Ron, Herm, Harry.]

Harry:

**Macavity's a mystery cat, he's called the hidden claw  
For he's a master criminal who can defy the law ***Draco swells with pride***  
He's the bafflement of The Ministry, the Magic Squad's despair   
For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there!   
  
**Ron:

**Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity   
He's broken every muggle law, he breaks the law of gravity   
His powers of levitation would make the witches stare   
And when you reach the scene of crime he's always never there!   
You may seek him in the dungeons, you may look up in the air   
But I tell you once and once again Macavity's not there!   
  
**

Hermione:**  
Macavity's a silver cat, he's very tall and thin   
You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in **(Draco: *gasp* Are they?)**  
His brow is deeply lined in thought, his head is highly domed   
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed **

(Draco: I resent that)

**  
He sways his wand from side to side with movements like a snake **(Draco: Hissss)**  
And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake!  
**(Draco: Are you implying that I look gormless?)

All:**  
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity   
He's a fiend in wizard shape, a monster of depravity   
You may meet him in Diagon Alley, you may see him in the square   
But when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there! **

(Draco: I'm too smart to be caught.)  
  


**He's outwardly respectable, I know he cheats at cards   
And his footprints are not found in any files of Scotland Yard's   
And when the larder's looted or the jewel case is rifled   
Or when the milk is missing or another peke's been stifled   
Or Hagrid's window's broken and the trellis past repair   
There's the wonder of the thing Macavity's not there!   
  
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity   
There never was a wizard of such deceitfulness and suavity   
He always has an alibi and one or two to spare   
What ever time the deed took place Macavity wasn't there!   
  
And they say that all the ones whose wicked deeds are widely known   
I might mention old Voldy, I might mention Griddlebone   
Are nothing more than agents for the one who all the time   
Just controls the operations: the Napolean of crime!   
  
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity   
He's a fiend in Wizard shape, a monster of depravity   
You may meet him in Diagon Alley, you may see him in the square   
But when a crime's discovered then Macavity not there! **

[Tiddy boom]

Snape: Well, now, wasn't that beautiful, 100 points to Slytherin for a wonderful performance from Mr Malfoy.

Hermione: WHAT?

Snape: And 50 points from Gryffindor, EACH. Now get this cleaned up!

Harry: *sighs* It was worth a try, though.

[Over the other side of the Hall, a scream is heard.]

{Cue dramatic music}

Pansy: Ugh! Get it away!!*Throws parchment at an ickle dragon baby* Yuck!

Hagrid: *rushes over and scoops it up* No! Don't do that, der yer not know 'ow lucky we ar' to 'ave beau'iful creatures like this?

**All things bright an' beau'iful  
All creatures great an' small  
All things wise an' won'erful  
The Lord God made 'em all. **

(Ron: Uh, Hagrid?)

**Each little flow'r that opens  
Each little bird that sings  
He made their glowin' col'rs  
He made their tiny wings. **

**The purple-headed mountain  
The river runnin' by  
The sunset an' the mornin'  
That brighten up the sky. **

**The cold wind in the winter  
The pleasant summer sun  
The ripe fruits in the garden  
He made 'em, evry one. **

**He gave us eyes ter see 'em  
And lips tha we might tell  
How great is God Almighty  
Who has made all things well.**

Pansy: Just get that thing away from me!

[Hagrid lets out a 'hmph' before cradling the ickle dragon in his hands and walking away.]

Snape: Uh, how long before this stuff wears off?

Dumbledore: Um, a few hours, I think. You're the potions master, you tell me!


	2. Hogwarts: The Musical Continued

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** None, yet!

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…singing potion! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos!

**Extra A/N:** Set B4 the 4th book, so Oliver is still here!! The songs are in **Bold**, (adlibs are in curvy brackets), [Narrations in square brackets] and *actions are between stars*.The music disclaimer at end, so as not to spoil the surprise ¬_¬;

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**Hogwarts: The Musical Continued.**

[Please read the previous chapter because our narrator is on strike, pending the S.P.E.W strike, and I can't be bothered to tell you all the once upon a time stuff. The worthless little…he gets 100 Galleons for this job and what do I get in return? Nothing! I tell, you, never hire a narrator from Tromedlov inc.]

[Ahem, anyhow, Fred and George Weasley are sat in the corner, hatching some kind of plan…see? It's not even that hard a job to do!]

Fred: What do you think? Should we?

George: Why not? Better get _some_ entertainment here. I mean, Snape singing would be nice enough, if we had a camcorder.

Fred: Never mind. So what have you got?

George: Umm, Bailey's, Gin, whisky, lager, bitter, lemonade…

[Across the hall, the rest of the students worry about what they plan to do.]

Harry: My god, I hope it's not nasty.

Ron: I know! My brothers are just as bad as Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser! *eyes open wide as realisation of his words' impact sinks in* Uh-oh…

[Uh oh indeed, Ronald Weasley! Neville, Hermione, Colin and other Gryffindors start to dance to music that fills the air]

{dim lights}

*Harry smacks Ron over the head*

**Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were a notorious couple of cats   
As knockabout clowns, quick change comedians ***Twins grin***  
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats   
They have an extensive reputation **(Sev: I'll say.)**  
Made their home in a place called The Burrow   
That was merely their center of operation   
For they were incurable given to rove   
  
If the area window was found ajar   
And the dungeon looked like a field of war   
If a tile or two came loose on the roof   
Which presently fails to be waterproof   
If the drawers were pulled out from potions room chests ***Severus winces***  
And you couldn't find one of your Quidditch vests ***Harry nearly faints***  
If after supper one of the girls   
Suddenly missed her dragon's pearls ***Pansy faints***  
  
Then everyone would say, "It's those horrible brats! **(Fred: That's nasty!)**  
It was Mungojerrie or Rumpleteazer!"   
And most of the time they leave it at that   
  
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a very unusual gift of gab   
They were highly efficient king pranksters   
and remarkably smart at a smash and grab   
They made their home in a place called The Burrow   
They had no regular occupation   
They were plausible fellows who liked to engage   
A friendly policeman in conversation   
  
When the family assembled for Sunday dinner   
Their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner on   
Argentine joint, potatoes and greens   
Then Dobby would appear from behind the scenes   
And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow   
"I is afraid you is waiting for dinner for tomorrow   
The joint it is gone from oven like this!"   
  
Then the family would say, "It's those horrors, oh drat!   
It was Mungojerrie or Rumpleteazer!"   
And most of the time they left it at that   
  
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had a wonderful way   
Of working together**   
**And some of the time you would say it was luck**  (Harry: Huh! Who's luck?)  
**And some of the time you would say it was weather   
They'd go through the house like a hurricane   
And no sober person could take his oath **(Ron: What? Is everyone drunk?)**  
Was it Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer?   
Or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both? **(Harry and Ron: Yep!)**  
When you heard a dining room smash   
Or up from the office there came a loud crash   
Or down from the library came a loud ping   
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming   
Then the family would say: "Now which was which pratt? **(George: Hey!)**  
It was Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer   
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!"**

[When you have quite finished! Anyway, things in the Great Hall are getting quite tense and you cold literally cut the air with a knife!]

Hermione: Voldemort! Stop smoking!

Voldemort: But-

Hermione: *face showing signs of demonic possession* Stop. Smoking. Now. I do not mind you dying as a result of Harry killing you, but I object when you shorten _my_ lifespan by passive smoking. Do you understand?

Voldemort: *vigorously nods head and throws ciggie out of broken window*

Harry, Ron, Draco: …

[Oh, right. Never mind.]

{Lights dim}

[Harry walks to the middle of the Hall, and a spotlight follows him everywhere he walks.]

Draco: By the looks of things, he's going to start…

[Singing? Yes, unfortunately.]

Draco: Hey, where does that voice come from?

[You fool. I'm the narrator, not qualified, but I like to think I am. Without me, you're just-]

Harry: Hey! My moment?

[Oh, yeah, sorry about that Harry. Go ahead.]

Harry: *irritated* Thank you!

{Ickle Children's choir singing in background}

Harry:

Close every door to me 

Hide all the world from me 

Bar all the windows 

And shut out the light 

Do what you want with me 

Hate me and laugh at me (Draco: Ha ha!)

Darken my daytime 

And torture my night (Voldemort: For goodness' sake, I haven't done anything, yet.)

If my life were important I 

Would ask will I live or die *Exasperated sighs*

But I know the answers lie 

Far from this world (Voldemort: I do believe that _I_ am the answer? I _am_ here. Hello?)

Close every door to me 

Keep those I love from me 

Children of Hogwarts 

Are never alone 

For I know I shall find 

My own peace of mind (Draco: For ours, please shut up.)

For I have been promised 

A land of my own (Colin: Wow! Cool!)

{CHILDREN}

Close every door to him 

Maybe he'll stop singing (Glare from Harry makes them sing proper lyrics)

Bar all the windows 

And shut out the light 

{HARRY} 

Just give me a number 

Instead of my name  (Draco: Oi! 297, shut up in there!)

Forget all about me (Snape: If you'll give us the chance.)

And let me decay 

I do not matter 

I'm only one person 

Destroy me completely (Voldemort: That _is_ the plan, yes.)

Then throw me away 

If my life were important I *groans around the room*

Would ask will I live or die 

But I know the answers lie 

Far from this world 

Close every door to me 

{HARRY, ENSEMBLE AND CHILDREN}

Keep those I love from me 

Children of Hogwarts 

Are never alone 

For we know we shall find 

Our own peace of mind 

For we have been promised 

A land of our own 

[Um, yes, Harry, well done…moving swiftly on, it seems that Snape is glaring at Harry across the room. Draco walks over to him.]

Draco: Huh?

[*Sigh* I said, 'Draco walks over to him', now mush! Scoot!]

Draco: OK, OK, keep your hair on!

{Lights dim, spotlight on Draco, Snape.}

Draco: *sighing* 

Draco: Professor, Professor!  
-Yeah?  
You wanna hurt the kid?  
-Nah Draco, I don't wanna hurt the kid...  
Yeah I know, I know that. How about you guys back here? You wanna hurt the kid? Any of you guys? How about you people out there you wanna hurt the kid?

**What's this I hear  
There's a whole lotta talk  
The people say you try to kill the kid **(Voldemort: I do, I do!)

**Hey yeah  
Tell me what you did  
You can call it what you want  
But I call it messin' with the kid**

**Now the kid plays good  
And good don't pay  
I say what I mean, I mean what I say**

**Yeah, yeah  
Tell me what you did  
You can call it what you want  
But I call it messin' with the kid**

**Well tell me you love me  
You tell me a lie  
But I know I hate ya baby, 'til the day I die**

**Hey yeah  
Tell me what you did  
You can call it what you want  
But I call it messing with the kid**

**Gonna take the kid's broom  
Drive around town  
Tell everybody trying to put him down**

Hey yeah  
Tell me what you did  
You can call it what you want  
I call it messin' with the kid!

[Severus does a spectacular dive, and slides along the polished floor on his knees. Hey, not bad, Sevvy!]

Snape: Thanks.

[No problem. Anyhow, Fred and George have secretly dished out the booze and everyone is, well, legless. Oliver and all of the Gryffindors stand, hand in hand and start 'singing']

I've paid my dues -   
Time after time -   
I've done my sentence   
But committed no crime -   
And bad mistakes   
I've made a few   
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -   
But I've come through   
  
We are the champions - my friends   
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -   
We are the champions -   
We are the champions   
No time for losers   
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -   
  
I've taken my bows   
And my curtain calls -   
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it -   
I thank you all -   
  
But it's been no bed of roses   
No pleasure cruise -   
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -   
And I ain't gonna lose -   
  
We are the champions - my friends   
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -   
We are the champions -   
We are the champions   
No time for losers   
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

[Moving on, again, it seems that Snape's drink was spiked. As was, hang on, let me see. Mm-hmm, OK. As was Harry's, Ron's, Draco's and Voldemort's. This should be interesting, hey, where are they?]

Pansy: *sniggering* Fred and George took them away somewhere.

[Hmm, sounds ominous.]

[Here they come…Bloody hell. Sorry for the language. But erm, how do I describe this?]

Fred: As you see it, love.

[OK, then. I see Harry in tight, and I mean TIGHT, leather trousers and a T-shirt with the words (close your eyes, kids) 'Draco's Bitch' printed on the back. I see Ron in…I say it again…bloody hell…. he's wearing golden hot pants and a corset. I see Draco wearing not very much. Please keep your hat on! I see Snape wearing a long, black, spangly dress, split all the way up the side, so you can see…Oh GOD!! Get out of here!]

George: *snickers* we have cameras as well! Keep going! You're doing great!

[*feeling slightly queasy* OK, fine, but if I need psychiatric help, YOU can pay my bills. Anyway, I also see Voldemort wearing…you really do not want to know…]

Fred: We understand don't forget we are all in the same boat.

[I see Voldemort wearing, *ulp* an Indian outfit, the whole feather headdress and cloth trousers thing. What could they…oh, no, not that ANYTHING BUT THAT!]

Snape, Harry, Voldemort, Ron, Draco:

Young man, there's no need to feel down   
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground   
I said, young man, 'cause your in a new town   
There's no need to be unhappy   
Young man, there's a place you can go   
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough   
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find   
Many ways to have a good time.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything For young men to enjoy.   
You can hang out with all the boys.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
You can get yourself clean   
You can have a good meal   
You can do whatever you feel.   
Young man, Are you listening to me   
I said, young man, what do you want to be   
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams,   
but you've got to know this one thing.   
No man, does it all by himself   
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf   
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.   
I'm sure they can help you today   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything for young men to enjoy.   
You can hang out with all the boys.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
You can get yourself clean   
You can have a good meal   
You can do whatever you feel.   
Young Man, I was once in your shoes,   
I said, I was down and out with the blues   
I felt, no man cared if I were alive   
I felt the whole world was so jive   
That's when someone came up to me   
and said young man take a walk up the street   
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.   
They can start you back on your way.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
They have everything For young men to enjoy.   
You can hang out with all the boys.   
Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.   
Young man, Young man, there's no need to feel down   
Young man, Young man, pick yourself off the ground   
Y.M.C.A.   
just go to the Y.M.C.A.   
Young Man, Young Man, I was once in your shoes,   
Young Man, Young Man, I was out with the blues   
Y.M.C.A.   
Y.M.C.A.   
Y.M.C.A.   
Y.M.C.A.

[AARGH! Everyone is joining in! Hang on, the potion should be wearing off now!! Hurrah! Everyone is saved!] 

Snape: I'M WEARING A DRESS?

Harry: At least you aren't 'Draco's Bitch'.

Draco: Ha ha! Ron is trying to be Kylie!

Ron: At least I'm wearing something.

Draco: *looks down, up, down, up, then runs out of the room, screaming*

Voldemort: Yes, I'm going to, erm, change.

[Draco and co. come back looking slightly more respectable. Finally, I can go back to my day job and Hogwarts returns to normal, right?]

Dumbledore: Um,

[Oh, no, I don't like the sound of this.]

Dumbledore: Well, um, when this safeguard system was put in, they didn't think that it was enough…so they put more than one potion in.

{Doors slam shut}

[So, _Albus_ what, dare I ask, is the next potion we have to deal with?]

Dumbledore: *looks helplessly at everyone* Love potion, or mime potion, or Time Travel Potion, or Abnormal Hair Growth Potion or…

[Ah, not good…]

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Music Disclaimer: None of the music in this Fanfiction is mine. The following is a list of the songs I –ahem- borrowed;

1. Anything You Can Do (Frank and Annie)

2. Memory (Cats)

3. Trust In Me (Jungle Book)

4. Higitus Figitus (Sword In The Stone)

5. Macavity (Cats)

6. All Things Bright And Beautiful

7. Mungojerry and Rumpleteaser (Cats)

8. Close Every Door To Me (Joseph and his nice coat)

9. Messin' With The Kid (Blues Brothers)

10. We Are The Champions (Queen?)

11. YMCA (Village People)

Extra special THANK YOUS again to the following people: STEPHANIE COLE, NATALIE PRICE, MICHELLE PARKER, HOLLIE RILEY AND ANY OTHER PEOPLE WHO HELPED ME FIND ALL OF THE SONGS. My gratitude is undying. Until the next potion takes effect…bye-bye! ^_^


	3. The Next, erm, Potion...

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** Hmm, just read on!

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard… potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! What is the next Potion?

**Extra A/N:**  [Narrations in square brackets] and (actions in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and sorry to Sarah, but the truth hurts! ¬_¬;

The Next Potion 

[Well, here we are, at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It, by the way, has a 'secret' safeguard on it so anything remotely threatening that comes into the hall gets got by some sort of Potion. Unfortunately, the system is still under examination, so the whole Hall has been filled with the invisible stuff. I hope you're happy! I'm stuck as narrator for this god awful '_Fanfiction_' when I could be at home…*horrified gasp* I'm missing 'Home And Away'! Nooo!]

Hermione: Oh, just shut up.

[Hmph! Nice to see all of you are grateful for my efforts as narrator!]

Yuuko (me): Um, hello?

[Huh? Oh, yeah. We have fallen into a plot hole, folks. The following people are the ONLY ONES in the Great Hall now: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Fred and George Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Severus Snape, Minerva Magonagall, Remus Lupin, Voldemort, Yuuko Mackay, Stephanie Cole, Natalie Price, Michelle Parker and Sarah Abbey. Wheee, watch as we all fall into the deep abyss of the plothole…Anyway, hello and welcome to hell]

Yuuko: Ur, Thanks…I think.

Steph: So, what's gonna happen, and where is everyone else, I thought the doors slammed shut. And don't give me that plothole crap, coz I know you know.

[Ah, well, um, an unfortunate incident occurred and they were erm, taken to the infirmary, I think.]

Natalie: (curious) Oh? What was so bad? And how did they get to the infirmary?

[It seems that any students needing medical assistance will get it, unless you get the damage because of your own actions. And the reason…]

Snape: Don't you dare…

[Well, in the last Fanfiction, they all got sprayed with Singing potion, and erm, certain members of the Hall-]

Harry, Ron, Draco: Shut up! Don't listen to her, she doesn't know what she's talking about!!

[Shut up yourselves. You think _you_ are scarred for life? We had to put up with you lot singing _YMCA_!! You wanna know what they wore?]

Yuuko: (evil grin) Yeah.

[I'll quote myself. _"OK, then. I see Harry in tight, and I mean TIGHT, leather trousers and a T-shirt with the words (close your eyes, kids) 'Draco's Bitch' printed on the back. I see Ron in…I say it again…bloody hell…. he's wearing golden hot pants and a corset. I see Draco wearing not very much. Please keep your hat on! I see Snape wearing a long, black, spangly dress, split all the way up the side, so you can see…Oh GOD!! Get out of here!… I see Voldemort wearing, *ulp* an Indian outfit, the whole feather headdress and cloth trousers thing." _Scary stuff. Mildly amusing, but scary.]

(All occupants of the Hall fall about in laughter. All except Harry, Ron, Draco, Snape and Voldy, that is, who are dying of embarrassment. )

[(Snickers) revenge, sweetheart, is devilishly satisfying.]

Natalie: (wheezing with laughter) 'Draco's bitch'? (Bursts into another bought of laughter.)

Steph: I wish I could have seen that! (howling with laughter)

[No, you don't, trust me.]

Yuuko: Are you kidding, Snape in a dress? I'd kill for that moment!

Snape: (glowers) and what is that meant to mean? (gives up glowering because it is making everyone laugh even more)

Fred: (bounding over.) Can I interest you in some moving photos? (Advertising voice) Do you long to have seen the moments your friends did? Do you curse yourself for not being where the action was? Then go no further for we have the answers! Show everyone never before seen _EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE!_ See?

(Holds up moving photo of the Y.M.C.A. moment, Snape and Ron singing together and dancing around as Harry and Draco sing in the background. Voldemort seems to be very popular among some of the _male_ members of the audience.)

Yuuko: (tries to suppress uncontrollable laughter, and fails.) My…God…This… (rolls on floor with more laughter)

Sarah: (between laughs) Draco looks kinda cute…

(After whole hall recovers from laughter, Natalie wipes the tears from her eyes.)

Natalie: So, what is going to happen, I can hear a hissing noise, so can I assume that another potion is being emptied into the hall?

[You most certainly can! Let me see what the next potion is. *colour drains from face* Uh-oh. It's ahem, Love Potion…]

(Horrified gasps in the room)

[Fortunately, the potion does not affect muggles or narrators *sighs of relief*. Any witches or wizards will fall in love with the first THING, notice the word 'thing' here, they see. You and I are safe, anyway. Harry, Ron, Draco, Remus, et cetera, et cetera, are not.]

Remus: (Whimpering) But I'm a werewolf! Why do I get affected?

[Oh, stop whining! As you may have noticed, there are an equal number of males and females, so there will be many happy couples!

Yuuko: Shit! We're involved? 

Natalie: Why can't you come down?

[I'm the _narrator_, I _can't_ come down! Besides, it's fun to watch, he he he. And I only said that you _wouldn't fall in love_.]

Yuuko: Evil psycho bitch…

Natalie: Erm…Yuuko? What's wrong with Sarah?

[Oh, dear. Is your friend a bit of an airhead? That could be a bit of a problem.]

Michelle: *snickers* Yep! She's a problem!

Yuuko: Just give us a FULL report, ok?

[All right, all right. OK, then. My my, quite the love web, no? Bear with me a moment, will you, this is very complicated. Well, from what I can see, Harry has fallen for Draco, who has fallen for Ginny, who loves Remus. Fred and Ron both love Hermione, but she loves George, who loves Minerva, who is in love with Voldemort, who, well, seems to be infatuated with Harry.]

Yuuko, Natalie, Steph, Michelle: EEEEW!

[Quite. Now your friend Sarah has fallen madly in love with Draco, but, as we know, he loves Ginny.]

Michelle: What about Snape?

[(Glances about the room and suddenly bursts into laughter) Bwahahahaha!! My, my God!! Hahaha! He's, he's stroking a, a, hahaha!! (regain composure, but is giggling) He's stroking his sausage!]

Yuuko: 0_o; WHAT?!

(All spin around to see that, Severus is stroking a rather large link of sausage.)

All: …

Steph: …now that is disturbing…I think it's safe to say we can ignore him…

Natalie: Well, that seriously doesn't show his dark side, does it? I mean, well, he looked kind of, erm, like…I don't know if I should say this…

[Go on.]

Natalie: (Grins and looks at Yuuko, who grins back) He looked like Mystic Meg! It was the dress…I can just see him with his sidekick, sausage ball now…

Yuuko: (Severus) I see death and destruction at the Gryffindor house…points will be taken away…I will get totally pissed and consequently I will enjoy being a transvestite…also, I will end up stroking my sausage…and Harry, what will happen to yoouuuu…

[(Sniggers) So true, so true]

Michelle: (brightens up) so we are all safe?

Remus: Me too!

Yuuko: I wouldn't say that. (Points behind him to see Ginny running over to them.)

Remus: AAARGH! (Bolts off)

[He he he. Nonetheless, the five of us are perfectly safe.]

Sarah: (whining voice) Draco! Wait, I only wanted to…

Draco: (screams) Keep away from me! HEEELLP!! (jumps into Ginny's arms)

Ginny: (drops Draco with a thud) Yuck! Remus! Remus darling! Where are you, I only inquired about whether you were a commitment sort of man! Do prefer baby pink or baby blue? I must know these things!

Severus: You are the most beautiful sausage I have ever met in my entire life…no! I'm not just saying it! I honestly mean it! Yes, I do…

Steph: …I want to go home…

Voldemort: Harry, you are the most beautiful man I have ever met! Please!

Harry: You've always tried to kill me!

Voldemort: Yes, I have, but I have always failed! And now I know why! I love you too much for any of my spells to work! Please believe me! (Moves towards Harry)

Harry: No! I mustn't! My heart belongs to Draco! (Flees)

Voldemort: Harry!

Yuuko, Natalie, Steph, Michelle: …

Steph: I'm glad this potion doesn't affect muggles…

[…or narrators…]

Ron: It's a duel! For the fair Maiden's heart!

Fred: You're on! But be warned, I will not hold back because you are my brother!

Ron: (bites thumb at Fred)

Fred: (gasps) Do you bite your thumb, sir?

Yuuko: Oh, dear lord…Romeo and Juliet. I had enough of that in year 9! Remember that, 'chelle?

Michelle: Oh, god yeah, that was _so_ boring.

Ron: I do bite my thumb, sir!

Fred: Do you bite your thumb at _me_, sir?

Ron: [Aside to Michelle and Yuuko] Is the law of our side, if I say  
ay?

Yuuko: No.

Ron: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.

Fred: Do you quarrel, sir?

Ron: Quarrel sir! no, sir.

Fred: If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.

Ron: No better.

Fred: Well, sir.

Ron: Say 'better:' here comes one of my master's kinsmen.

Fred: Yes, better, sir.

Ron: You lie.

Fred: Draw, if you be a man. Michelle, remember thy swashing blow.

Michelle: (sighs and walks away, shaking head and muttering)

[Meanwhile, at the other side of the Hall, two star-crossed lovers are talking. 'Star-crossed'? How corny can you get, I mean, who writes this stuff?]

Yuuko: Ordinarily, I would say me, if you meant fanfics, but that is Shakespeare. Besides, they are not star-crossed, look at them. George is dragging Hermione along the floor because she's grabbing hold of his robes. He's trying to get away because he fancies the pants off Professor Magonagall, who is drooling at the sight of Voldemort. (Everyone shivers)

Minerva: Come here, you hunk a hunk of man. Say, you wanna go (CENSORED).

[Bloody hell. Someone should wash her mouth out with soapy water!]

Voldemort: I mustn't, I can't betray the trust of the one I love! (Flees in Harry's general direction.)

Minerva: (looks shocked, then starts crying.)

[Cue, George.]

George: (placing arm around her shoulders) It's ok, Minerva, don't cry. There, there.

(Minerva gets up and runs away,)

[Where to, I'll never know. This Hall is big, yes, but not _that_ big. It's a case of 'You Can Run But You Can't Hide'.]

George: Minerva! Minerva my darling! (Runs in same direction, dragging Hermione along the floor with him.)

Michelle: I think Snape has finally lost it.

Yuuko: What? Why? This is the potion, not him.

Natalie: Yeah, but he's snogging a sausage…

Severus: Oh, Sammy, I love you! No, I'll never leave you for as long as I live! Yes, I do. Oh, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say those words to me!

Yuuko: (sigh) I don't even want to look. (Looks at table and notices Fred and George's camera on the table. Tapping Natalie on the shoulder, she grins, evilly.)

Natalie: (Also grinning) You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Yuuko: Probably, hey Narrator!

[Yo.]

Natalie: You can do practically anything, right?

[Yep! (Swells with pride)]

Yuuko: Well, do you think you could do something for us? (Whispers)

(Natalie tells Steph their plan)

[(Listens intently) Yep, mm hmm, yep, yep. Yes, I can. There you go!(Grins maliciously)]

[By the Way, readers, I have just conjured a black board, on which are the names of all who were affected by the potion. This is placed on a stand, which, I must say, is very nicely painted in pinks and reds. Heart shaped balloons decorate the corners and a large cupid is the centrepiece of the stand.]

Natalie: Thanks, he he he.

Yuuko: Right! (Claps hands together to get everyone's attention.) If I could have your attention! Thank you. Now, as you all know, many of you have feelings towards others in the Hall. We will give you a chance to reveal those feelings…

(Murmurs around hall)

Natalie: …and have a picture taken with your beloved. Now, you don't have to kiss or anything, just take a photo together for your admirer, it's only fair, right? So, off we go. Who wants to go first?

(Everyone's hand shot up)

Steph: Hmm, how about, Sarah! Who do you want your picture taken with?

Sarah: (sighing) Draco.

[(Snickers) Go on, Draco. Go get 'er Tiger. Rowr!]

(Sarah and Draco have their picture taken hugging.)

Natalie: Draco?

Draco: (blushes) Um, Ginny.

(Ginny has picture taken with Draco kissing her on the cheek.)

Yuuko: Ginny?

Ginny: (Dreamily) Remus!

(Remus reluctantly has a picture taken of him holding her in his arms.)

Steph: How 'bout you, Remus? You like anyone?

Remus: (Screams, tries to run away, but knocks himself unconscious when he runs into the wall.)

[Ouch! That's gotta hurt…]

Yuuko: Steph, pick someone else, seeing as the guy can't take the heat.

Steph: Hmm, how about, Fred, then Ron.

Both: Hermione! (Glare at each other)

(Both have separate pictures taken together.)

Steph: Hermione? Pick someone out then.

Hermione: George.

Fred, Ron: WHAT?!

Hermione: GEORGE!

Fred: Why that little, and I thought I could trust him. (Sniff) How, how could he? (Starts sobbing)

George: Wah?

Ron: (Patting Fred on the back) There, there, don't cry. You! (Points at George) I challenge you to a duel! Don't you dare back out! I'm so gonna kick your butt!

Yuuko: Oh, shut up and get over it, will you? (Sighs) Right, Hermione, George, get into position.

(Hermione grabs George and gives him a big smacker, causing Ron and Fred to faint, and everyone else to gasp.)

Natalie: OK, then…erm, George?

George: (Proudly) Minerva!

(George has a picture taken of him with his arm around her waist)

Hermione: (Sobbing) How could you? I loved you and what do I get in return? Nothing! Then you get off with some two-bit HAG! (Sob some more)

Minerva: What did you just call me Miss Granger?

Hermione: You. Are. A. Two. Bit. Hag. Can't you hear in your old age?

Yuuko: Hermione's lost the edge on her sharp tongue, would you not say?

Natalie, Steph: Yep.

Steph: Excuse me? (Gets ignored as all eyes are on the fight between Hermione and Minerva.)

[Fight, fight, fight, fight!]

Steph: EXCUSE ME!!! WILL THE LOT OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!

Yuuko: (Whispers to Natalie) Someone didn't have her weetabix this morning.

Minerva: Ahem, yes, well I would like to have a picture taken with Tom…

Voldemort: Me? OK, but I'm not promising anything!

(Minerva has her picture taken snogging Voldemort, much to everyone's utter disgust, including the four muggles and the Narrator.)

[…That was disturbing…]

(The Four muggles nod, disturbed by the scene they just had to witness.)

Yuuko: Right, erm, Voldemort, who do you want your picture taken with? Like I seriously need to ask that question?

Voldemort: (Blushing) Harry…

Harry: (Shrugging) OK. But absolutely NO lip contact, OK?

(Picture taken of them hugging.)

Steph: Harry?

Harry: Draco.

Draco: Hah! I knew you couldn't resist my devilish good looks and manly structure.

All: (Deadpan) Yeah, sure.

Natalie: Have you noticed how Harry is always gay in fanfics? It's always with either Ron or Draco. I wish they'd stop it - it's disturbing…

(Picture of Harry and Draco holding hands is taken)

Yuuko: And Severus, do you and erm, 'Sammy' want a picture taken together?

Severus: Yay! (Bounds over to the Stall.) Do you want you picture taken Sammy? Of course with me, silly! Yeah, we'll hang it in the living room. (Giggles)

All: …

[Did he just…giggle?]

Yuuko: A-anyway, your picture?

(Picture of Severus kissing his sausage, Sammy, taken…dear lord…)

[So, can I see the pictures? Thanks. (Snorts) These are bloody good.]

Yuuko: Thanks. Say, what's Severus' problem?

Michelle: Lovers tiff with Sammy. (Sniggers).

Severus: (to Sammy) But I love YOU! No one else! No! That's a lie! I would never do anything like that! (Sob, sob) I never did anything with the Cumberland slut! No! He's lying! Please, believe me…no! No, please, we can try again! Please!

All: ……

Yuuko: (trying not to laugh) W-will the potion be wearing off anytime soon?

[Funny you should say that! Okay, let me get in Narrator mood. Ahem. After what seems like an eternity, the Potion starts to wear off, leaving everyone confused, and wondering what they were doing. It seems they have no recollection whatsoever of this day and how they made complete arses of themselves! Well, at least we were entertained!]

Harry: What just happened?

Natalie: You were all in love…with each other.

Hermione: Why is Professor Lupin out cold?

Steph: (Snickers, passing around the pictures they had just taken.) 

[The camera voluntarily spat out loads of copies of the pictures, so there is no escaping the fact that many of you snogged each other.]

All: …

Voldemort: (Glaring at Yuuko) I hate muggles with passion.

Yuuko: (Grin evilly) Right back at ya, Voldy.

Severus: Sammy? Who the hell is Sammy?

[Severus, do you not know? (Innocent) Sammy was your lover.]

Severus: (Brightens up) Really? Where is she? (Glances around.) And why have I got a sausage in my hands? EEEW, gross!

[Tsk, tsk Severus. You'll hurt your _lover's_ feelings if you call _him_ gross! And after that affair with the Cumberland…well…I'm not so sure _he _is willing to forgive…]

The four muggles and the Narrator fall about laughing as the colour drains out of everyone's face, as they realised what they must have done…


	4. Bodies, who needs 'em?

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** Not In This Story, I think…

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard… potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! What is the next Potion?

**Extra A/N:**  [Narrations in square brackets] and (actions in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and sorry to Sarah, but the truth hurts! ¬_¬;

**What Will Come Next?**

[Hello, again, faithful readers! The author of this fic is complaining that no one loves her story because she does not have many reviews. God, she's giving us all headaches!]

Yuuko: Well I did take time to write this and I just expected-

Michelle: Shut up for goodness' sake! It's _your_ fault that we are all here!

Yuuko: (sulks in corner) It's not as if I wrote all of us into it…and besides, I'm not writing this now, so how is it that we are all here?

[Yeah, right. Anyway, the potion situation is worsening. Dumbledore has given me a list, by owl-mail, of all of the potions in the castle safeguard. It seems that the system was created when Harry had just been left at the Dursley's, for the time that he would have to attend Hogwarts. According to the grapevine, the ministry-]

Voldemort: Just tell us what the potions are!

[Ooh! We're in a bit of a mood aren't we? Is it Evil curse withdrawal system? Or just that you have to sit in a room with 'muggles' and 'nice people who hate your guts'?]

Voldemort: Natch.

[In any case, after certain events of the previous potion, many of the inmates are keeping well away of certain others. Right, Voldikins?]

Voldemort: (Opposite side of hall to Harry and nowhere near Minerva) Voldikins? VOLDIKINS?

Harry: Ha ha. Hey, Voldikins! He he.

Voldemort: What? You wanna go (winks seductively and kisses air in Harry's direction) _play_? (Wriggles eyebrows suggestively)

Harry: (Screams and faints into Natalie and Yuuko's arms)

Natalie: Oof! Skinny ain't always light!

Yuuko: Voldemort! (Voldemort flinches) Get over here right this instant!

(Voldemort skulks over, dragging his heels, much like a moody teenager being told to clean his/her room. Draco sniggers and waves his wand, conjuring an object that he hides behind his back, and edges towards the pair)

Yuuko: What on _Earth_ were you thinking? Did you even think? Did you assume that that was _clever_? I can assure you that it was _not_! You should be _thoroughly ashamed_ of yourself, sinking to such low levels!

Voldemort: (Bows head in shame)

Yuuko: Do you realise the implications of- (Draco hands her 'mystery object') Thank you Draco. Do you realise the implications of what you did? (Grabs Voldemort's ear and drags him to the farthest corner and sits him down)

Voldemort: Ow! (Rubs ear and tries to glare, but Yuuko is far scarier than Satan himself)

Yuuko: Now I want you to think long and hard about what you have done. (Puts 'Dunce' hat on his head)

Draco: He he. You git yo ass whipped, boy!

Natalie: (Grinning) Yup, you don't mess wiv da Yuuksta and get away with it. (Grin disappears when Yuuko glares, demonically)

Sarah: (Gazes longingly)

Michelle: Sarah? (Waves hand in front of her face) Sarah?! 

Sarah: (Sigh) He's sooooo dreeaamy… 

Michelle: Huh? Who, Voldemort? (Voldy looks up)

Sarah: (Head snaps up) Him? Hell, no! (Voldy looks back down, sulking) He's nothing compared with…Draco…Sigh…

[Excuse me; I seem to have disappeared]

Harry: (Woke up after Steph slapped him) 'Draco'?

Yuuko: She means Malfoy.

Harry: (Snaps) I know _that_! I mean, why Malfoy.

Yuuko: Well why not just _say_ that!

Harry: Because I thought that you were intelligent enough to understand _E-N-G-L-I-S-H_!

Yuuko: Why you little-

Steph: STOP! You are setting a bad example to Voldikins.

Yuuko: Screw him!

All: EEEW!

[Bad mental image…]

Yuuko: Sorry, bad choice of words. How about CENSORED him!

Harry: Better, but I still wouldn't.

Sarah: (Oblivious) God…what I wouldn't give to-

Steph: AAARGH! (Slaps hands over ears)

[Sarah! Too much info! Do you want to know about these potions or not?]

All: Yeah

Sarah: …yeah…

Draco: Great, now I have two bimbos chasing me!

Harry: Hey!

Draco: Not you, you Skrewt! Pansy!

Harry: Oh. (Disappointed)

Natalie: Right little sex god, aren't ya? He he. (Nudges him suggestively)

Draco: (Blush deep crimson) …Shut up…

[Excuse me…potions?]

Snape: (Sigh) It's so hard being evil these days. I might pack it all in…

Harry: EEK! The yerks have got him!!

All: (Look at Harry)

Harry: Um, 'in joke'?

[Oh, look. It's Professor Trelawny!]

All: (Scream)

[Not. Will you listen, now?]

Yuuko: Go ahead, we're all ears.

[Thank you, oh holy one! (Mumbles something resembling 'ditch') Anyway, in no particular order, there is the 'Singing' and 'Love' Potions, which we have had. Then there's…dear lord, who thought of these?]

Dumbledore: That would be Cornelius.

All: AAARGH! Disembodied voice!

Dumbledore: Hmph! I _am_ the headmaster of this school…(Voice can be heard no more)

[Anyhow, that would explain the 'Abnormal Hair Growth' Potion…ahem, there is also the 'Transfiguration' potion, 'Time Travel' potion…(Eyes open wide in shock) 'Sex Change' Potion?! Who the Hell was that?!]

Snape: Ahem, that would be me…

All: 0_o;;

[Ah, yes, I should have known, really. Girls reading this, don't you just LOVE a man who shows his feminine side without shame? Feel free to debate.]

Yuuko: No.

Natalie: Not if it's Snape.

Steph: Ick!

[Moving swiftly on, here is today's potion…(dramatic pause while Draco silently prays)…'Body Swap' Potion.]

All: …

Yuuko: Random?

[Oh, yes. (Evil snicker) You may swap with one of your friends, or maybe with Harry or (shivers) even Voldikins…]

Voldemort: (Growls)

Michelle: Um, when does this potion take effect?

[Now]

Steph: Oh happy bloody days.

[A ray of light for you muggles. It _might_ not affect you, unless you're the airhead, but notice the word 'might'. Don't get you hopes up.]

Natalie: (Deadpan) Yay.

Yuuko: So you really can't choose?

[Nope, oh goody, the potion is being emptied into the hall!]

All: (Deadpan) Goody.

[Right…huh? (Picks up piece of parchment) List of all people and whom they will swap with. Mm hmm, interesting. I'll read them out in no particular order, then…

Harry Potter, George Weasley!

Ronald Weasley, Stephanie Cole! (Steph: WHAT?)

Draco Malfoy, Fred Weasley!

Hermione Granger, Natalie Price! (Yuuko: (snort) No change there, then.)

Sarah Abbey, Ginny Weasley!

Severus Snape, Remus Lupin? Oh, dear…

Michelle Parker, Minerva McGonagall! (Michelle looks positively horrified)

And…well, the two of you are left…so…]

Yuuko: THAT? I'm swapping bodies with THAT?!!

Voldemort: Hey! That's nasty! (Rest head on Steph's shoulder, sniffling) Hold me?

Steph: No

Voldemort: (Sulks)

Snape: Um, how will we know who is who when the potion takes affect?

Michelle: We could have nicknames; you could be, oh, I don't know, how about, Sammy?

Snape: You'll never let that go, will you?

Michelle: No.

[This is for the reader's purpose, when someone speaks, his or her name will come up as 'so and so in so and so'. For example, Steph, say something!]

Steph in Ron: What? EEK! I'm not me!

Snape in Lupin: Oh, well done! (Claps) Give the girl a prize!

Steph in Ron: (Glaring) What, some sausages?

Snape in Lupin: (Sticks tongue out at her)

[Sorry to interrupt, guys, but Harry and Draco are chasing a chicken with a can of whipped cream…]

Yuuko in Voldemort: Chicken?

Nat in Herm: Whipped cream?

Draco in Fred: Here Chicky, Chicky!

Harry in George: Don't be scared, Chadwick!

Both: HEE HEE HEE! 

Fred in Draco: We don't do that…

Yuuko in Voldemort: Chadwick?

[I don't think they are right in the head, you know…]

Yuuko in Voldemort: (Snort) Oh, I don't know, I'm stuck in one of MY fanfics, with characters that aren't even meant to exist! 

Voldemort in Yuuko: That's NASTY! (Sidle up to 'Lupin in Snape') Hold me?

Lupin in Snape: Yuck! No.

Yuuko in Voldemort: 'Yuck'? And what exactly is that meant to mean? (Evil Voldy GlareÓ) Hey, cool! (Lupin cowers as Yuuko in Voldemort glares a really evil glare)

Voldemort in Yuuko: (Sob) Nobody loves me! (Sob)

[Sigh, may I remind you that when you are in your body, you are the Lord Of All Things Dark And Nasty. That's probably why nobody loves you.]

Voldemort in Yuuko: WAAAA!

[Oh, for goodness' sakes! Reviewers, if you would please give the time to review, would you leave some messages for the poor victims of this heinous fanfic? Please?]

Voldemort in Yuuko: Yay! Someone loves me!

[No, it was just to shut you up.]

Voldemort in Yuuko: (Cries on 'Yuuko in Voldemort's shoulder) She's being nasty! WAA!

Yuuko in Voldemort: Okay, this is slightly scary. He's meant to be evil, scary, nasty, you know, as in 'MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'

All: (Shudder)

Yuuko in Voldemort: Oh, sorry.

[You know, I think this potion was passed its use-by date.]

Ginny in Sarah: …sigh…Harry…

Sarah in Ginny: …sigh…Draco…

Nat in Herm: …sigh…sappy dishcloths…

Steph in Ron: How long does this potion last?

Snape in Lupin: (Cheering up) Well, this potion originated in the middle-east, during the Cold War, as a form of spying, so special agents could sneak into enemy camps as one of their men, but when-

Steph in Ron: We don't care; just tell us how long it lasts.

Snape in Lupin: (Face crumples up) WAAAA!

Ron in Steph: (Patting 'Snape in Lupin' on back) There, there. (Hands him a great big curly lolly) Now, no more tears, OK? Now will you tell us how long the Potion lasts?

Snape in Lupin: (Lolly in mouth) Ick abou' hive hourthh, I hink. (TRANSLATION: It's about five hours, I think.)

Yuuko in Voldemort: Oh, yay! I get to be the dark lord for four more hours! What fun!

Fred in Draco: (Deadpan) Yay.

George in Harry: Well, at least we aren't doing anything unusual.

[Oh, dear. I think you spoke too soon. Harry and Draco have lighted a fire in the middle of the hall and are cooking, hang on, (Sniff, sniff) sausages?]

Snape in Lupin: (Lets out blood-curdling scream) NOOO! (Snatches smouldering sausage from stick, he he, do you like that? Alliteration.) Sammy? Sammy are you alright? Please talk to me!

Lupin in Snape: It's disturbing watching *me* do that…

Michelle in Minerva: (Sigh) And he complains when I poke fun at him. 

Minerva in Michelle: (Sigh) Yes, sad, isn't it?

Yuuko in Voldemort: What would happen if I were to say (Waves wand) *Avada Kedavra*? (Green beam shoots from wand, bounces off table, hits ceiling, rebounds off floor and hits Sammy.)

All: (Crouching on floor) DON'T DO THAT!!

Yuuko in Voldemort: Sorry, all I said was-

[WE KNOW! WE KNOW!]

Yuuko in Voldemort: (Sulks)

Snape in Lupin: (Does a 'Grant Mitchell Looking up when it's raining' impression) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Lupin in Snape: Oh, shut up! (Grumbles, moodily)

Voldemort in Yuuko: Ooh, stick you!

Yuuko in Voldemort: Your Mama too!

Steph in Ron: And your Daddy!

(Four muggles and Herm fall about, laughing)

Others: What?

Herm in Nat: Never mind.

Nat in Herm: Muggle thing.

Voldemort in Yuuko: (Grabbing everyone in a bone-crushing hug) I LURVE muggles!! 

[OK, this potion is DEFINITELY out of date.]

Voldemort in Yuuko: (Starts prancing around the room, throwing carnations about) Love! Peace! LURVY, LURVY, LURVY, LURVY!

Yuuko in Voldemort: Stop. That. Now. I will not have you using my body for indecent proposals!

Nat in Herm: (sniggers) Well, we don't know if that's what you _really_ do…

Yuuko in Voldemort: ('Too scary for words' glare) You want to come here and say that?

Nat in Herm: (Hides behind Herm in Nat) No!

[Yeah...have I just been through the Twilight Zone? Am I completely gaa gaa?]

Yuuko in Voldemort: (Icily) Yes.

Snape in Lupin: (Sniffle, sniffle) Can you help Sammy?

Lupin in Snape: Don't you…Snape, Snape! You damage, you pay!

Snape in Lupin: (Tugs on 'Yuuko in Voldemort's robes) Can you?

Yuuko in Voldemort: (Slaps 'Snape in Lupin' around the face a good few times)

Snape in Lupin: Thanks, I needed that, I think. (Look at sausage in hands) I didn't just do what I think I did, did I? (All nod) Oh, God, you'll never let it go, now!

Michelle in McGonagall: (Snickers) You'd better believe it!

McGonagall in Michelle: (Laughs, evilly)

Yuuko in Voldemort: (Sigh) You aren't doing it right. It goes like this: (Laughs extra spine chillingly evilly)

All: (Shiver)

Yuuko in Voldemort: He he.

[You seem to have got the hang of this!]

Ron in Steph: I'm in a girl!

Steph in Ron: Oh, and I'm just _loving_ this! (Sigh) A music lesson with MR Eng is distinctly more pleasant.

Nat in Herm, Yuuko in Voldemort: No, it isn't.

Sarah in Ginny: (Chases 'Draco in Fred')

Ginny in Sarah: (Chases 'Harry in George')

Draco in Fred: (Runs from 'Sarah in Ginny')

Harry in George: (Runs from 'Ginny in Sarah')

(All four run in an intricate pattern, confusing innocent bystanders and manage to run from four different corners, ploughing straight into each other.)

[Blessing in disguise…]

Yuuko in Voldemort: I wish _I_ were unconscious, then I wouldn't have to be awake while inside Voldemort-

Ron in Steph: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHH!! That name! Don't say that name!!!

Steph in Ron: Oh, for God's sake! It's only a name! Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!!

Ron in Steph: EEK!!

Michelle in McGonagall: Mr Weasley! You shall have points deducted if you do not quiet down. 

McGonagall in Michelle: MONKEY!

[OK, random comment…]

Yuuko in Voldemort: Not really. Michelle is obsessed with this sock monkey thing on ITV digital. It's an INNANIMATE OBJECT though. Why McGonagall said it though…

[Oh. Right. Where are Nat and Herm?]

Voldemort in Yuuko: (Still prancing around throwing flowers)

Yuuko in Voldemort: In the corner, discussing the meaning of life! (Gives chase as Voldemort runs away, squealing and giggling)

[I don't think this is any ordinary potion, you know. Hang on, I'll check the bottle…hmm, polyunsaturates, carbohydrates, blimeywhatthehellates, yaa da yaa da, ah-ha!! Recommended dosage…ah, one drop for one hour body change, do not exceed 10 drops…(holds up empty bottle)…if contact with eyes occurs, consult GP immediately. Oh, dear. I think the whole bottle was used…well, the effects aren't permanent, so…]

Snape in Lupin: Let's have a sing-along!

All but Yuuko in Voldemort: YAY!

Snape in Lupin: **I'm sexy   
**Lupin in Snape: **i'm cute   
**George in Harry: **i'm popular to boot**   
Nat in Herm: **im bitchin **

Herm in Nat: great hair   
Fred in Draco: the guys all love to stare   
Draco in Fred: im wanted im hott 

Harry in George: im everything your not   
McGonagall in Michelle: im major 

Lupin in Snape: **i roar **

Sarah in Ginny: **i swear im not a whore   
**Voldemort in Yuuko: **who are we just guess guys like to touch my chest   
**Michelle in McGonagall: **we cheer and we lead we act like we're on speed   
**Steph in Ron: **hate us cause we're beautiful **

Ginny in Sarah: **well we don't like u either   
**Ron in Steph: **we're cheerleaders role call   
**Ron in Steph**: im big red   
im loony loopy Lupin   
my name's Voldy (grrrrrrrr)   
im kiss kiss Draco (muah)   
im grand man Harry yeahhhh   
my friends call me Sevvy   
im still big red   
i sizzle i scorch and now i pass the torch   
the ballids are in and 1 person has to win   
he's perky he's fun   
and now he's number 1   
VVVVVVoldy  
i'm strong and im loud   
im gonna make u proud   
im VVVVVVoldy  
your captain Voldy!!**

[Dear lord, those splits just have to hurt.]

Yuuko in Voldemort: (sat in corner, laughing at futile attempt at pyramid.)

[And suddenly the bodies all swap back and the pyramid collapses. So, until the next potion takes effect…byebye!]

Yuuko: Hey, I'm back! Yay!

Everyone else: Y-yay…

Yuuko: Egad! Someone get a doctor in here! Quick! Oh, and make sure he/she can untangle knots!!


	5. The Popidol Potion.....-_-;

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** Nope, definitely not in this chapter!

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard… potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! What is the next Potion? Do we really want to know? …probably not…

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Jack Ryder, James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. (Dunno who the last two are, can anyone help?) Anyway, enjoy…

**Popidol Potion…Need I Say More?**

[Hello again! Yes, we're still here don't worry! Just a note to the readers; Hermione has been sent away to study, because her constant twittering was getting on my nerves. McGonagall had to leave because…well, because she scares us, and Ginny was far too nice to stay.  I have decided that, because I'm the kind, giving person that I am, everyone in the hall gets a present!! Now, then, you can all have anything you want, Yuuko?]

Yuuko: Ooh, ooh! *Jumping up and down* My Harry Potter books!!

[There you go! *Yuuko squeals with delight* And, just because I'm so nice, I got the new ones that don't even exist! *Yuuko faints with happiness, clutching books with vice-like grip, not letting anyone touch them* How about you, Michelle? Natalie? Steph?]

Natalie: James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah!!

Michelle: Sock Monkey and Jack Ryder!!

Steph: I want an owl!!

[OK…there you go!]

Natalie: *drags whatever-they're-calleds to the corner to 'talk'. *

Michelle: *positively glowing with delight*

Steph: *stroking owl's beak* I'm gonna call you Aphrodite and I'm gonna love you and keep you and hug you, and…

James Napier, Dan Weekes-Hannah, Jack Ryder: Where are we?

[Err…you're dreaming! Yes, that's it, you are in a dream and cannot wake up…it might turn into a nightmare, though…so do be careful!! Sarah?]

Sarah: *sigh* …Draco…

Draco: EEK! *Hides behind Yuuko, who has recovered and is reading her books*

[Umm, well, this will have to do…]

Sarah: *Shriek with glee as full-size Draco Malfoy cut out appears, along with a D.M T-shirt, mug, flag, hat and stationary.* Wow!! Yay! *Drags cut out to FAR corner…*

[Right, the rest of you will get what your heart desires…so here goes;

Harry, A Hedwig fluffy toy! (Harry: Yay! *Squeezes his toy*)

Draco, A shrine to yourself! (Cynical looks given as Draco prays to himself)

Ron, A Draco Malfoy voodoo doll, only to be used at certain times! (Ron: Aaw!)

Fred and George, Your mischief making goodies, for my personal amusement!!

Lupin, A chewy bone and other doggy goodies!

Voldemort, One of your loyal subjects…Lucius!!]

Lucius: *only dressed in towel, which is around his waist…phew* Draco…where the hell am I…?

Draco: *still admiring his shrine* At Hogwarts, why?

Lucius: What do you mean, 'why'? I was in the shower, when poof! I was dumped in this hellhole! *everyone looks up, and sees Lucius semi-naked*

All: *Scream*

Yuuko: *Waving arm in Lucius' direction* YACK!!! Get some clothes on the little freak!! EEK!

Jack Ryder: EEP! NIGHTMARE, NIGHTMARE!!

Lucius: I'm hurt…

Draco: My own Father! I'm ashamed!

Harry: He he he…this is funny…George's camera, George's camera…

Voldemort: I do appreciate your loyalty, but this is taking it a bit too far…

Lucius: *Gasp* My lord!! *Bows but, unfortunately, towel slips from his grasp…*

All: *Blood-curdling scream*

Voldemort: MY EYES, MY EYES!!!

Lucius: *Hastily grabs towel and reties it…a bit too late, though…* He, he…oops?

Snape: EEK! My delicate persona!! NOOOO!

All: *Look at Snape*

Snape: Well, seeing Lucius would make anyone feel like screaming like a girl, right, Remus…Remus?

Lupin: *Stood still, falls back like a statue would, and collapses*

Nat: See what you've done now!! 

Yuuko: Please, put some clothes on him, somebody! *Mutters* I think I'm gonna hurl…

Lucius: Why are you all so horrid?

[Oh, god! *Frantically shifts through narrators wardrobe and throws the first thing in her hand* There! Put that on, NOW!]

All: *look away, looking slightly green*

Lucius: *Pulling clothes on* Hmm…a bit tight…oh, well, better than nothing!

All: …definitely…

Yuuko: *turning around* …unless…

Natalie: *Also turning around* …he's wearing what he's wearing now…

[Oops, I didn't give him the costumes from the 'Musical' episode, did I? *Snickers, evilly* At least there's some amusement in the room.]

All: *Turn around* 0_o; *Scream*

Lucius: Quit it with the screaming, will you! *Glares at everyone*

Voldemort: Ahem…Lucius, I think you should have a little look in the mirror…some of these clothes are actually making a comeback…

Lucius: *Confused look, turns to see his reflection in a full-length mirror, and screams* 'DRACO'S BITCH'?!! WHO THE HELL IS DRACO'S BITCH? *Draco looks horrified that his own father is wearing 'that' shirt* There is no way, on this earth, that I am my SON'S 'bitch'!

[Oh, shut up…at least you're wearing something! Anyway…]

Snape: Don't I get anything?

[Huh? Oh, sorry. What do you want?]

Snape: *quietly* A birthday party…

Natalie: Huh?

Snape: A birthday party!!

All: It's your birthday? *All grab Severus in a group hug. Aaw, how sweet* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Snape: *Starts crying* I never knew you cared!

Lucius: Pah! They don't, who would care about _you_?

Snape: Hey!

Lupin: More people like him than you!

Lucius: *Sneer* And that was just _so_ hurtful!

Yuuko: *nonchalant* Don't sneer, it makes you look as if someone has shoved a rod up your arse…sideways.

All but Lucius: *Fall about laughing*

Voldemort: Now, _that_ is hurtful! *Starts laughing again*

Jack Ryder: Rod…pff!! *Laughs, hysterically*

James Napier: *leans on Natalie's shoulder (to her utter delight) to steady himself*

Lucius: It wasn't that funny…

All: YES IT WAS!

[*Recovering from laughter* Anyway, on with the party…]

Lucius: Hey! Don't I get a present?

[Erm, I haven't got one for you…]

Yuuko: *Growls* I have one for you. *Clenches fist* 

Lucius: Really? Wow! Gimme, gimme!

Steph: I wouldn't say that if I were you…

Lucius: Shut up and gimme!

Yuuko: *Stalks over to Lucius and smacks him square on the nose. Then smiles, sweetly* There you go, sweetheart.

Lucius: I dod fink by dose is bent to be at dat angle…

[Ok, on with the party…uh oh. The party might have to wait for a bit…]

Snape: *Horror stricken* Why?!

[The next potion…and it's not going to be a nice one, either…]

Michelle: Since when are they _ever_ nice?

[Point taken, and the next potion is…'Popidol' potion.]

All: EEEEEEEEEK!!

[Wow! Why was that greeted with that certain reaction?]

Harry, Ron, Draco: Bad memories from the last singing type potion…

Yuuko: We wouldn't know-we weren't here. Was it that bad? *Remembers being told about the 'YMCA' incident, and starts laughing*

Voldemort: *Snarls* Stop. Laughing. Immediately.

Yuuko: *Snarls back* No chance, Indian boy! *All fall about laughing, except Lucius and Voldy*

Lucius: Stop laughing at the Dark Lord, or you'll regret it!

Natalie: It's impossible to try to take you seriously when you're dressed like _that_!

Lucius: *Blush deep crimson* Go away…

[Anyway, the potion? It's being emptied into the Hall as we speak…so, good luck! Oh, and by the way, the four muggles, not including the airhead, can be judges. Sorry Michelle and Nat, the boys must go. They can come back for the party later, though.]

*Jack Ryder, James Napier, and Dan Weekes-Hannah all wave byebye as they disappear in a puff of smoke*

Steph: *Cough, cough* An old cliché, isn't it, smoke?

[Tight budget.]

[Anyway, competitors, listen! You must all choose a song to sing, and will perform it to the judges, Yuuko Mackay, Natalie Price, Michelle Parker and Stephanie Cole. So, who's gonna be Pete Waterman?]

Four muggles: *Point at each other* She is!

[Anyway, a short break to give the singers a chance to choose their song, and off we go!]

~*~


	6. Popidol Potion Continued!!

**Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, apart from Aisha, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** Nope, definitely not in this chapter!

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard… potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! What is the next Potion? Do we really want to know? …probably not…

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Jack Ryder, James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. (Dunno who the last two are, can anyone help?) Here is the Popstars Potion…continued…

**Popstars Potion…Continued.**

[Some time later…the contestants have decided what they would like to sing, and Yuuko is about to pull the first name out of the hat…dum dum dum…oh, by the way, the contestants have a Green Room, dunno where it came from, though…]

Yuuko: …Ronald Weasley!

All in the 'Green Room': WOOO! Go Ron! Go Ron!

Ron: *Blushes, and walks to centre stage*

Ron:

**I work all night, I work all day, **

**to pay the bills I have to pay  
Ain't it sad  
And still there never seems to be **

**a single penny left for me  
That's too bad**

  
In my dreams I have a plan  
If I was a wealthy man  
I wouldn't have to work at all, 

**I'd fool around and have a ball...**

**Money, money, money  
Must be funny  
In the rich man's world  
Money, money, money  
Always sunny  
In the rich man's world  
Aha-ahaaa  
All the things I could do  
If I had a little money  
It's a rich man's world **(Lucius: Damn straight!)

**A girl like that is hard to find **

**but I can't get her off my mind  
Ain't it sad  
And if she happens to be free **

**I bet she wouldn't fancy me  
That's too bad**

**  
So I must leave, I'll have to go  
To Las Vegas or Monaco  
And win a fortune in a game, **(Draco: *Snort* He doesn't have the money to get there!)

**my life will never be the same...**

**Money, money, money  
Must be funny  
In the rich man's world  
Money, money, money  
Always sunny  
In the rich man's world  
Aha-ahaaa  
All the things I could do  
If I had a little money  
It's a rich man's world**

**Money, money, money  
Must be funny  
In the rich man's world  
Money, money, money  
Always sunny  
In the rich man's world  
Aha-ahaaa**

**  
All the things I could do  
If I had a little money **

**It's a rich man's world**

**It's a rich man's world**

*Ron takes a bow while all of his friends start to clap and whoop*

Draco: Weasley will never be rich! He's just a little beggar!

Harry: Right, that's it! I'm gonna pound your little head in!

All: Fight, fight, fight, fight!! 

Natalie: That was very good, Ron.

Yuuko: Yes, that was a very good start to the show. You altered the song to suit you, and we respect that, well done!

Ron: *Blushing* Thank-you.

[Steph has the next name ready…]

Steph: Draco Malfoy!

All in Green Room: Go on, Draco!

Lucius: Knock 'em dead! *Glares from others in room* What? It's an innocent saying!

Harry: *Muttering* I'll bet they'll _love_ what he's wearing…

Draco: *Emerges wearing an unbuttoned shirt, tied at the bottom, a short, short school skirt and pink, fluffy scrunchies*

Yuuko: Oh, he's gonna _love_ this tomorrow…

Draco:

**Oh baby, baby**

**How was I supposed to know            **(Harry: How are _we_ supposed to know?)****

That something wasn't right here 

**Oh baby, baby**

**I shouldn't have let you go**

**And now you're out of sight, yeah **(Lucius: Must be one of you…'out of sight' All: …)

**Show me how you want it to be **

**Tell me baby cause i need to know now,**

**oh because**

**My loneliness is killing me (and i)    **(Snape: Kinda almost stirkes pity in my heart. But not quite)

**I must confess I still believe (still believe)**

**When I'm not with you i lose my mind**

**give me a sign            **(Harry: *Gives him 'a sign'* Lupin: Harry!)

**hit me baby one more time    **(Ron: *Growls* I'd love to…)

**Oh baby, baby**

**The reason i breathe is you**

**Boy you got me blinded         **(Harry: 'Boy'…?)

**Oh pretty baby**

**there's nothing that i wouldn't Do **(Lucius: My son, is an idiot.)

**that's not the way i planned it**

**Show me how you want it to be**

**tell me baby cause i need to know now**

**oh because**

**My loneliness is killing me (and i)**

**I must confess I still believe (still believe)**

**When I'm not with you i lose my mind**

**give me a sign**

**hit me baby one more time**

**Oh baby, baby how was i supposed to know**

**oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go**

**I must confess , that my loneliness**

**is killing me now**

**Don't you know I still believe**

**that you will be here**

**And give me a sign     **(Lupin: Harry, don't you dare…)

**hit me baby one more time**

**My loneliness is killing me (and i)**

**I must confess I still believe (still believe)**

**When I'm not with you i lose my mind**

**give me a sign**

**hit me baby one more time**

Ron: Lemme at him! He's asking for it! *Everyone in room holds him back*

Harry: Not on national Television!

Snape: Potter, this isn't _on _national Television.

Harry: Oh, yeah, but people review our behaviour, so they must read this.

Voldemort: *Snort* They are laughing at us, numbskull!

Four muggles: *Clapping*

Natalie: Another powerful performance, the evening is getting better by each contestant!

Steph: I agree. The song might not have suited you, but you sang it very well.

Natalie: …and you look so _adorable_ in that outfit!

Yuuko: *Thinking to self* Yeah, of course he does…

Draco: *Grinning* They loved me!

Harry: *Snort* Yeah…I'm sure…

[Michelle, the next name, please…]

Michelle: Harry Potter!

Harry: *Sprints out of the room as his fellow competitors cheer him on…except Voldemort and Lucius*

Voldemort: *Sneer* Break a leg, Harry!

All: *Glare at Voldemort*

Voldemort: What? I was wishing him good luck! Honest!

Harry: *Singing to…who?* (A/N; I don't know who he's singing to, so make up your own minds!)

**I'm tired from exploring you  
I'm sorry, I know you've had some scary days  
I'm lucky, they had me on a leash     **(Ron: He never told me that…)**  
Exposing, sometimes you frighten me          **(All: *Look at Voldemort, Snape, and Draco*)

**And it's too bad you're so sad  
Wish you could've had what I had **

**I'm loathing most of your history  
Hesitation, but then you siphon me  
Your potential, well I'll indulge in that  
Violent timing explains the aftermath **

**And it's too bad you're so sad  
Wish you could've had what I had  
And it's so sad, it's too bad  
Maybe I can make it feel better  
Maybe I'm supposed to make it feel better **

**I want to comfort you **

**Unlike you, I had it easy        **(Snape: *Snorts*)**  
You're dark blue, stained from previous days **

**And you're so sad  
It's too bad  
I wish you could've had what I had  
And it's too bad you're so sad  
Maybe I can make you feel better **

I'm sorry 

Voldemort: Why are you all looking at _me_?

Ron: _You _are the only one with a blue-ish complexion…

Voldemort: I resent that.

Yuuko: Were you singing that to anyone in particular, Harry? *Smirk*

Harry: *Blushing* Um, no.

Natalie: *Chuckling* Well, that was very good, Harry. You should be proud of yourself. 

[The next person…?]

Natalie: …Voldemort…

Yuuko: *Evil glimmer in eyes* _This _should be fun… *Rubs hand together*

Voldemort: *Sulks cause no one cheered for him, after what he said to Harry. Except Lucius, of course…but he's just an arse wipe*

Voldemort:

Met an old man, Miller his name  
Met him on a dusty road  
Got off the bus, Heard him singing  
Sittin in his rocking chair  
I said where you been?  
Tell me your story  
I'm ready now lets begin. He said...  
   
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've found her heart in so many places  
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've seen her smile on so many faces  
(her smile is the sun and her eyes are like the moon)  
  


**He talked and he talked  
For so many hours  
I listened to his every word  
I sat at his feet and looked in his eyes  
And now I know what he meant  
I'll tell you what he meant, He said  
  
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've found her heart in so many places  
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've seen her smile on so many faces  
(her smile is the sun and her eyes are like the moon)  
  
Come on Come On Come On  
Her smile is like the sun and her eyes like the moon  
  
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've found her heart in so many places  
Ooh Ooh  
Red Indian girl (red Indian girl)  
I've seen her smile on so many faces  
(her smile is the sun and her eyes are like the moon)  
  
**

**Come on Come on  
Her smile is like the sun and her eyes are like the moon…**

Harry: That song just didn't need any adlibs.

Snape: Hmm, I wonder if he realises that he just took the piss out of himself…

Lucius: Don't bitch about the Dark Lord!!

Four judges clap politely as Voldemort finishes, bowing.

Yuuko: *Giggling, slightly* What made you choose this song, Tom?

Voldemort: I just thought that it was a good song and I could alter it to suit my personality. Besides, I need to be able to sing any song to become a pop idol.

Natalie: Umm, yes.

Steph: I tend to disagree. I think that a pop idol is someone who young people can look up to…and someone who hasn't killed that many people…? I'm afraid I don't think you will make it as a Popidol.

Yuuko: I agree with Stephanie there. But only because I just don't like you.

Voldemort: *Bursts into tears and runs back into the Green Room*

Yuuko: Oh, dear. Can't take the heat then get out of the fire.

*People pat Voldemort on the back as he enters the Green Room.*

[And the next contestant, please!]

Yuuko: We-hey! It's Lucius Malfoy!!

Lucius: *Struts out onto the stage, grinning like the fool*

Lucius:

**I know I may be young but I've got feelings too**

**  
And I need to do what I feel like doing  
So let me go and just listen  
  
All you people look at me like I'm a little girl  
Well did you ever think it'd be ok for me to step into this world?  
Always saying, "Little girl, don't step into the club"           **(Draco: …'little girl'…?)**  
Well I'm just tryin' to find out why, 'cause dancing's what I love, yeah  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it**       (Harry, Ron: Get WHAT, For the love of Merlin!)**  
I know I may come off quiet I may come off shy **(All: *Snort*)**  
But I feel like talkin', feel like dancin' when I see this guy **(All: GUY? *Draco faints*)**  
What's practical, what's logical, what the hell, who cares   **(Voldemort: Hmm, I wonder.)**  
All I know is I'm so happy when you're dancing there  
  
  
I'm a slave for you     **(All: *Look at Voldemort*, Voldemort: I know, I know…)**  
I cannot hold it, I cannot control it    **(Harry: Shouldn't he go to the loo, then?)**  
I'm a slave for you  
I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it         **(Voldemort: I'm trying my best not to scream and run away…)

**  
Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me        **(All: NO?)**  
To another time and place  
Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
Leaving behind my name and age  
Like that. You like that?  
Yeah. Now watch me              **(Ron: EEK!)**  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
I really wanna dance tonight with you  
I really wanna do what you want me to**         (Voldemort: Jump in front of a muggle vehicle?)**  
I really wanna dance tonight with you  
I really wanna do what you want me to         **(Draco: Shut up?)**  
Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
To another time and place  
Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
Leaving behind my name and age     **(All: …?)**  
  
I'm a slave for you  
I cannot hold it, I cannot control it  
I'm a slave for you  
I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it         **(Draco: My father, is an idiot.)

  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
Get it, get it, get it, get it       (Harry: Don't think I want to…)  
  
I'm a slave for you  
I cannot hold it, I cannot control it  
I'm a slave for you  
I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it

All: …

Draco: I'm glad I'm not Voldemort…

All but Voldemort: *Nod in agreement*

Voldemort: Why me? I could have had a pet dragon, but nooooooo, I just_ had _to have human minions! Why can't I have minions like, like…like Harry! *Glancing at Harry* Would you be interested in-

Harry: No.

Voldemort: Crap!

Harry: Get over it.

Yuuko: Interesting choice of song, Luc…

Michelle: What made you choose it?

Lucius: I just really like Britney, so I decided to sing the song.

Michelle: Well, you have a good fashion sense, you look right at home on that stage, and I think you'll go very far in this competition.

Yuuko: Uh, excuse me…I beg to differ. This man, well, I presume he's a man… Anyway, this man, to be a Popidol, must be a) Good-looking, b) Able to sing, not just make croaking noises, c) Able to change professions when the pop one goes kaput, and finally d) it seems to be the 'in' thing to declare that you are a virgin, so…

Lucius: I'm a virgin.

*Shriek heard back-stage, followed by a loud 'thump' as Draco faints*

Yuuko: …

Michelle: …

Natalie: …

Steph: …what about Draco…?

Lucius: …no comment… *Runs off stage*

[I think I'm scarred for life…please read the next name out…]

Steph: Oh, God… Sarah Abbey.

Sarah: *Squeals with delight, and tries to hug Draco before running out on stage*

Sarah: (Definitely to Draco)

**I saw you jump up  
You and your friends, baby  
And I heard you say they're playing a jam  
(there's a jam right here baby)  
so waving your hand  
from side to side, sugar         **(Draco: *Shivers*)**  
hear you're claiming you're a certified man  
(certified)**

**I know it might sound strange  
But I pictured us alone  
And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell – no        **(Draco: *Ear-piercing shriek*)**  
If my thoughts of you are true  
Then I wanna get with you  
So I'll step in while I'm given the chance yeah**

**Do you have a girlfriend? (Do you have a girlfriend?)****  
You're looking real cool (You're looking real cool)  
Can I have your number? (Can I have your number?)       **(Draco: No, you evil, evil, evil girl!!!!!)**  
You don't have a thing to lose           **(Draco: My sanity, maybe?)**  
Do you have a minute? (Do you have a minute?)  
What is on your mind? (What is on your mind?)** (Draco: Poison, Knifes, rope…take your pick)**  
I was just thinking (I was just thinking)       **(Yuuko: Sarah? Thinking? Never!)**  
We can spend some time**

**Heard a slow song  
You don't waste time baby  
And you asked me if I wanted to dance?      **(Draco: NO NO NO NO NO!!!!)**  
(sure I wanna dance)  
playing hard to get  
takes to long, sugar  
so I told my friends that I found'a man  
(you're the one)**

**I know it might sound strange           **(Harry: Well, just a little bit…)**  
But I pictured us alone  
And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell – no        **(Draco: *faints*, Everyone else slightly disturbed.)**  
If my thoughts of you are true  
Then I wanna get with you  
So I'll step in while I'm given the chance**

**do ya do ya do ya have a girlfriend?  
you're looking real cool  
do ya do ya do ya have a minute?  
I was just thinking  
do you do you do you have a girlfriend?  
We could spend some time  
do you do you do you have a minute?  
Are you all alone? A-ha A-ha**

**I know it might sound strange  
But I pictured us alone  
And you're kissing me in ways I can't tell - no  
If my thoughts of you are true  
Then I wanna get with you  
So I'll step in while I'm given the chance**

**Do you have a girlfriend? (Do you have a girlfriend?)****  
You're looking real cool (You're looking real cool)  
Can I have your number? (Can I have your number?)  
You don't have a thing to lose  
Do you have a minute? (Do you have a minute?)  
What is on your mind? (What is on your mind?)  
I was just thinking (I was just thinking)  
We can spend some time**

Steph: *Suppressing laughter* Very good, Sarah but, to be blunt, I don't think you will make it as a Popidol.

Sarah: *Screech* WHY?

Natalie: *Smacks side of her head* I think I'm deaf.

Yuuko: *Shouting* Because you cant sing! Next!

Sarah: *Stomps off to the loo, where screams can be heard*

Steph: Oh, dear…

Michelle: Poor Myrtle…

[…next name…]

Michelle: Professor Remus Lupin!!

All: Cheer VERY loudly.

Yuuko: …?

Natalie: Is there an audience in here?

[Oh, no. This is canned applause see? *Holds up can of 'Miraclap'* It's very handy when building up people's confidence. Of course, the REAL female audience in Sybil's Crystal ball are also contributing to the noise…*Pops lid open as applause floods out*]

Lupin: *Smiles, sweetly*

Michelle, Steph: Aaw.

Yuuko: …why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Lupin:

**Who let the dogs out! **(Harry: Oh, God…no…)

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

(Yuuko: *Growls* I HATE this song…)

**When the party was nice, the party was jumpin' {Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo}**

**And everybody havin' a ball  {Hah, ho,  Yippie Yi Yo}**

**I tell the fellas "…start the name callin'…"  {Yippie Yi Yo}**

**And the girls report to the call**

**The poor dog show down**

(Michelle: *Dancing along* I LOVE this song!)

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**I see ya' little speed boat head up our coast**

**She really want to skip town**

**Get back off me, beast off me**

**Get back you flea infested monger**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**{woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**I'm gonna tell             {Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo}**

**To any girls calling them canine {Yippie, Yi, Yo}**

**Tell the dummy "Hey Man, It's part of the Party!"  {Yippie Yi, Yo}**

**You fetch a women in front and her mans behind  {Yippie, Yi, Yo}**

**Her bone runs out now**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Say,     A doggy is nuttin' if he don't have a bone     **

**All dogy hold ya' bone, all doggy hold it**

**            A doggy is nuttin' if he don't have a bone     **

**All dogy hold ya' bone, all doggy hold it**

**Wait for y'all my dogs, the party is on**

**I gotta get my girl I got my myind on**

**Do you see the rays comin' from my eye**

**What could you be friend**

**that Benji man  that's breakin' them down?**

**Me and My white short shorts **

**And I can't seek a lot, any canine will do**

**I'm figurin' that's why they call me faithful**

**'Cause I'm the man of the land**

**When they see me they do…ah-ooooo(howl)           **(All: *Shiver*, Snape: *Tranced* Wolfsbane, Wolfsbane…)

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}        **

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof}**

**Who let the dogs out              {woof, woof, woof, woof} **

**(five times, cant be bothered to type it out)**

Yuuko: ENOUGH, ALREADY!!

Lupin: *Smiles sweetly, again*

Steph, Michelle: That was brilliant! You are our pop idol!

Yuuko: *Sighing* The reviewers vote, you numbskulls!

Natalie: He's the only, ahem, normally dressed one, though…

Yuuko: True, true…

Lupin: *Goes back into Green Room still smiling*

[Two more acts left…who is the next?]

Steph: Professor Severus Snape!!

Snape: *Walks out wearing a slightly large top-hat covered with zebra print*

Steph: Ooh, I like that hat!

Yuuko, Natalie, Michelle: …

Snape:

**Take a picture of tonight and   
Keep it by your heart  
Love has left us memories   
There's no better way to part            **(Draco: Who is he talking about?, *All look at Lucius and Lupin)

**I will find another love  
Someone who won't me down  
How you tried to level me  
But you never stood your ground **

**Fortunately I got wise this time  
Fortunately I had me on my mind **

**Oh I just want to be loved      **(All: AAW! HOW SWEET!, Yuuko: …)**  
Don't want to fight you baby  
But I'm much too proud to say it loud **

**I just want to be loved  
Don't want to beg you baby   **(Lucius: Ha! I ALWAYS make him beg!)**  
But I'm much too proud to say it loud **

**Take a piece of dignity and   
Use it in your life  
Even though you hurt me  
I still want you to survive      **(Harry: I wouldn't…)

**Love was never special  
We were never down  
You will always have someone   
To bring you on the ground **

**Fortunately I got wise this time  
Fortunately I had me on my mind **

**Oh I just want to be loved  
Don't want to fight you baby  
But I'm much too proud to say it loud **

**I just want to be loved  
Don't want to beg you baby   **(Lucius: I'm gonna make him- , All: Shut up, Luc!)**  
But I'm much too proud to say it loud **

**When you love someone  
Don't you know, love is blind            **(Harry: *Looks from Sarah to Draco* Yep, true.)**  
When you love someone  
It'll be for all time, yeah that's right **

**Fortunately I got wise this time  
Fortunately I had me on my mind **

**Oh I just want to be loved  
Don't want to fight you baby  
But I'm much too proud to say it loud **

I just want to be loved  
Don't want to beg you baby  
Love me, love me, love me, love me yeah

*Biggest applause and cheer so far on the show! Way to go, Sev!*

[Hang on a minute…]

Adoring female crowd projected onto wall: Severuuuuus!! We Loooove Yooouuuu! 

Severus: *blushes* 

All four judges: *Whoop and clap* Go Sev, go Sev!

Snape: *Blush even more, before walking back to Green Room*

[And last, but certainly not least…]

Yuuko: …THE WEASLEY TWINS!!

Fred, George: *Run out onto stage, wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts*

**I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
  
Get this party started on a Saturday night   
Everybody's waitin' for me to arrive   
Sendin' out the message to all of my friends   
We'll be lookin' flashy in my Mercedes Benz   
I got lotsa style, got my gold diamond rings   
I can go for miles if you know what I mean  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started**

**  
Pumpin up the volume, breakin down' to the beat   
Cruisin' through the west side   
We'll be checkin' the scene   
Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast   
I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my a**  
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car   
License plate says Stunner #1 Superstar   
  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started **

**Get this party started  
  
Makin' my connection as I enter the room   
Everybody's chillin' as I set up the groove   
Pumpin' up the volume with this brand new beat   
Everybody's dancin' and their dancin' for me   
I'm your operator, you can call anytime   
I'll be your connection to the party line   
  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started **

**I'm comin' up so you better get this party started   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started **

**Get this party started  
Get this party started right now  
Get this party started  
Get this party started  
Get this party started right now**

*Everyone all in the same room now, dancing and singing along*

[And that's all the singing for this week, folks! Remember, there are two ways you can vote…when you review this story, tell us who you want to be OUT OF THE COMPETITION…or email the author, with the name. Remember, you are voting someone OUT! Anyway, lets PAR-TAY!]

~*~~*~~*~

Hello, is everyone liking this fic? I hope so! Please vote, or I cannot continue. Thanx! Oh, like I always say, if anything is rubbish, tell me! Byee!!


	7. NWSFLASH!!

**_NEWSFLASH!!!_**

**__**

Popidol potion causes riot in the Great Hall!! Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, Draco Malfoy, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, Fred Weasley and George Weasley each claim that they won, and that the reviewers love them, as opposed to the other…the adults, meanwhile (This consists of Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, Minerva McGonagall, and Lucius Malfoy) seem to be in a heated debate over who should win…Garreth or Will (is that right?) …neither, it seems.

        We interviewed them all, and this is what they had to say…

Boy Who Lived: I'm gonna win!!

Draco: Uh, no way, hos-ey!

Ronald: Horsey!!

Boy Who Lived: Its common knowledge, I am more popular than you! I'm cute, innocent Harry!

Draco: (Shows Boy Who Lived his Palm) Talk to the hand, girl!

Hermione: 'Girl'?

B.W.L: I am going to win…just you watch!

Hermione: 'Girl'?

Twins: (Who always seem to say the same thing at the same time…) We are adorable little pranksters, though!

Rest: (Snort)__

_Across other side of room…_

Snape, Lucius: (Sobbing)…Zoë…

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Zoë? Who's that?

Lupin: Beats me.

McGonagall: Why am I back?

[Because, my dear, a loyal reviewer loves you sooooo much, they wanted you back here…in Hell…]

McGonagall: Gee, thanks. Nice to be loved.

H.W.M.N.B.N: Nobody loves me…

Snape, Lucius: (Still sobbing)…Zoë…

Yuuko:Will you get over it?

Lucius: EEW! I've been touched by a muggle!

Natalie: Ho, ho! You are SO asking for it.

Lucius: EEW! Don't touch m- (Knocked out cold by Yuuko) 

Natalie: (Chuckling) Told you.

Anyway…the people present in this room would like their faithful reviewers to know that they will not, I repeat, NOT, be singing in the next fanfic chapter… 

[Ha! That's what THEY think!!!]

~*~~*~~*~

Sorry, it's a lame excuse, I know, but nobody was votin' so, I brought back McGonagall (Nancy D.!), and decided that another singing potion was in order…. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Byebye!! ^_0


	8. No...Not More Singing...Help...

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Michelle, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan and Eggy, who exist, are mine. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!!

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. (Natalie will know what I'm talking about. He, he, he, he, he!)

**Plot:** Nobody knows this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard… potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Jack Ryder, James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, we are getting a tad lonely in the Hall. Any messages to us would be well appreciated!! Enjoy…

Oh, and by the way, this is urgent!!! **_URGENT!!!!_**

BAD LANGUAGE FROM VOLDIKINS!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!! EMINEM INFLUENCED!! BEWARE!! SKIP THE FOURTH SONG!! IT FITS BUT MAY B OFFENSIVE! EMINEM SONG!!! There, is that enough? 

**No…Not More Singing, Please!!**

[I'm confused…]

Yuuko: Whoa! I confused the Narrator!!

Natalie: *mumbles* Wouldn't take much…

[Gee, I'm hurt…not. Would you go through that again?]

Yuuko: OK…this Fanfiction is my creation, or was, should I say. I don't know who, but someone has kind of, well, written the next chapters his or herself. I planned the next few chapters, and this is kind of what I had in mind…

Harry: WHAT?!!

Draco: You _wanted_ us to do the stuff we did?! Like, like… *Shivers at thought*

Lucius: That might explain the shirt…

Yuuko: Yeah, I hate _you_.

Lucius: *snort* Touching.

Yuuko: Anyway, it seems that MP (Mysterious Person) wants some of the imbeciles from our science classes to accompany us.

Sarah: Really? *High pitched squeak* Who?!

All: *Check if ears are still working*

[I get it now! Can I tell the rest who the 'imbeciles' are?]

Yuuko: *Snorts* Why not?

Steph: Umm, because I know who it is and I don't want them here?

Natalie: Sorry, but the 'I can't see you so you can't see me' thing doesn't work right now…

[Umm, Andrew (referred to as 'Cook'), Eggy, and Jordan.]

Natalie, Yuuko, Steph, Michelle: There goes the neighbourhood…

Cook: Hey! That is just downright rude!

Yuuko: Ha! You think that that's rude?

Lucius: Should have heard what she said to me…

Jordan: What are we doing here?

Harry: (Aside to Ron) Are you sure he isn't a Weasley? The hair…

Ron: Perfectly sure. He's a pratt.

Harry: Er, yeah, sure…

[Well, it seems that this story is being written by an evil psycho, and they want the Hall to be filled with a certain Potion each week…]

Cook: Sweet!

Jordan: *Smacks Cook with metal ruler…*

Cook: Ow! 

Eggy: *points at Cook* Ha ha.

Yuuko: *Sigh* What happened to the Popidol potion?

[Umm, well, it seems that nobody was voting…and the fact that the ladz would probably be voted out by a certain reviewer who shall remain nameless…so the author has decided that the rest of the 'Popidol' potion will be spent *ulp* as a singing potion…]

All: *Scream*

Jordan: Ha ha! Cook screams like a girl!

[This potion does not affect muggles, or teenagers or narrators, thank goodness…but the lads are not safe.]

Yuuko: Oh?

[Mental age of a two year-old.]

Natalie: *Snickers* True, true.

Cook: See? See? She _is _EVIL!!

Natalie: I'm not nasty!

Cook: I agree, but you are evil.

Steph: …and you put up with him in lessons, how?

Yuuko, Natalie: *Sigh* Skill.

[Ooh, Potion being emptied into hall! He, he, I love singing potions…]

Yuuko: Ordinarily, so would I, but I'm afraid I can't agree…

Natalie: Sarah?

Yuuko: *Nods*

**_SMASH_**.

All: *Look over to see that window that was broken in Chapter 1 has been broken…_again_…poor window…*

Snape: *Hissing* I might have known, Fred and George Weasley, that _you _would have something to do with this.

Harry: Ooh, Déjà vu!

Ron: *Sigh* He cant think of anything original to say…sad…

Yuuko: Going senile in his old age, eh?

Snape: *Ignoring comments* Well, you are certainly in deep trouble…

Twins: Uh-oh…we're in trouble…

Yuuko: …Snape…you IDIOT!!

[Oh crap…they're gonna start…]

{Lights dim, music plays…}

Twins:

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

**We've Been Out All Night And We Haven't Been Home,**

**We're Walkin' Through The Back Streets ...All Alone!**

**The Party Was Great, Yeah We Were Really Frilled!**

**And When We Get In We're Gonna Get Killed!**

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

**We Couldn't Get A Cab, 'Cause We Ain't Got No Money!**

**We Missed The Last Train But We Thought.... Don't Worry!**

**We'd Get The Night Bus But The Night Bus Never Came!**

**We're Eight Miles From Home And It Started To.....**

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

**Yeah Yeah, Trouble...**

**We Tried To Steal A Car But We Soon Realized, **

**We Got On The Road, None Of Us Could Drive!**

**Police Car Came Along And They Took Us For A Ride, **

**And When We Get Home We're Gonna Get,**

**Gonna Get, Gonna Get Fried!**

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

**Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, [Yeah Yeah!] Uh-Oh We're In Trouble....**

**Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window! [Yeah Yeah!]**

**Uh-Oh We're In Trouble, **

**Book Us A Ticket On The Next Space Shuttle!**

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

**Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble, **

**Something's Come Along And It's Bust The Window**

**[Yeah, Yeah!] Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,**

**Gotta Get Away Quick March On The Double!**

Snape: ENOUGH!!

Yuuko: Jeez, do you really need to shout that loud, we are only stood a foot away…

Cook: Yeah, you're just deaf! *Snickers*

Natalie: Oh, and that was witty…not.

Lupin: I can see that your classes share the love that ours do.

Lucius: *Growls*

Voldemort: I told you, Luc, like this *Growls*

Yuuko: Sarah, I mean it, if you don't shut up, you'll get that fork shoved where the sun don't shine!

Sarah: *Ear-piercing wail*

Yuuko: *Growls*

Voldemort: YES! Like that! Exactly like that! *Glances over* Have you ever thought of-

Yuuko: No.

Voldemort: But you would make such a wonderful specimen!

Yuuko: *Demonic glare* I. Said. No.

Cook: *Seeming like he has suddenly woken up* Lets hear some of your legendary sarcasm, then.

Yuuko: *Deadpan* You aren't _worth_ sarcasm, dear.

All but Cook: *Laugh hysterically*

Snape: *Clearing throat* Anyway, get this cleared up before Saturday night!

[Severus…]

Lucius, Draco: *Dancing proper dance moves, tee hee, you remember them, right?*

**Di di da da da**

**Saturday night   
I feel the air is getting hot   
Like you baby   
I'll make you mine you know   
I'll take you to the top   
I'll drive you crazy **

(Yuuko: I must admit that, yes, they are driving me crazy/ Cook: Wouldn't take much *Yuuko smacks him round the head with ruler*)

**Saturday night dance   
I like the way you move   
Pretty baby   
It's party time and not   
one minute we can loose   
Be my baby   
  
Da ba da dum   
Di di di da de da da da   
Be my baby   
Da ba da dum   
di di di da de da da da   
Pretty baby **

(Sarah: *Faints*)**  
  
**

**Saturday night   
I feel the air is getting hot   
Like you baby   
I'll make you mine you know   
I'll take you to the top   
I'll drive you crazy **

**  
Saturday night dance   
I like the way you move   
Pretty baby   
It's party time and not   
one minute we can loose   
Be my baby **

**Saturday night dance   
I like the way you move   
Pretty baby   
It's party time and not   
one minute we can loose   
Be my baby **

**Ooh, hey hey  
  
Saturday Saturday   
Saturday night Saturday night**

**Saturday Saturday   
Saturday night Saturday night **

**Saturday **

**Da ba da dum   
Di di di da de da da da   
Da ba da dum   
di di di da de da da da   
   
Saturday It's party time  
Saturday   
Saturday night It's party time  
Saturday night **

Lucius: That was wonderful, son!!

Draco: Thank-you father.

Snape: You are lucky to have a father like Lucius.

{Lights dim}

Snape: Shit, what now?

[You certainly aren't having a good day.]

Snape: I know, I know…

Harry:

**This is a story about a Boy named Draco**

**Early morning, he wakes up to the**

**Knock, knock, knock on the door**

**It's time for makeup, perfect smile**

**It's you they're all waiting for**

**They go**

**"Isn't he lovely, this stunning Malfoy?"**

**And they say**

**He's so lucky, he's a star**

**But he cry, cry, cries in his lonely heart, thinking**

**'If there's nothing missing in my life**

**Then why do these tears come at night?'**

**Lost in an image, in a dream**

**But there's no one there to wake him up**

**And the world is spinning, and he keeps on winning**

**But tell me what happens when it stops?**

**They go**

**"Isn't he lovely, this stunning Malfoy?"**

**And they say**

**He's so lucky, he's a star**

**But he cry, cry, cries in his lonely heart, thinking**

**'If there's nothing missing in my life**

**Then why do these tears come at night?'**

**"Best actress, and the winner is? Lucky!"**

**"I'm Rita Skeeter for The Trashy Mag standing outside the arena waiting for Draco"**

**"Oh my god? Here he comes!"**

**Isn't he lucky, this lovely young boy?**

**He is so lucky, but why does he cry?**

**If there's nothing missing in his life**

**Why do tears come at night?**

**He's so lucky, he's a star**

**But he cry, cry, cries in his lonely heart, thinking**

**'If there's nothing missing in my life**

**Then why do these tears come at night?'**

Draco: Has Potter finally lost it?

Lucius: He he, Potter never _had_ it!

Ron and Natalie: *Smack him round the head with rulers*

Lucius: Hey! What's with the rulers!!

Ron: Hasn't been the same since You-Know-Who came back…

[Kids, FULL WARNING ON THE BAD LANGUAGE!!! TURN IF YOU ARE SQUEEMISH!!!! ROLL DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!!!, OKAY?]

{Rap music fills the air and Voldikins comes out in dungarees and a Jason mask, waving a chainsaw around…don't ask…}

Voldemort:

**That's why they call me Slim Shady (I'm Back)   
I'm Back (I'm Back) [SLIM SHADY!] I'm Back  
  
[Eminem]  
I murder a rhyme one word at a time  
You never, heard of a mind as perverted as mine  
You better, get rid of that nine, it ain't gonna help  
What good's it gonna do against a man that strangles himself?  
I'm waitin for hell like hell shit I'm anxious as hell  
Manson, you're safe in that cell, be thankful it's jail  
I used to be my mommy's little angel at twelve  
Thirteen I was puttin shells in a gauge on a shelf  
I used to, get punked and bullied on my block  
'til I cut a kitten's head off and stuck it in this kid's mailbox  
{"Mom! MOM!"} I used to give a - fuck, now I could give a fuck less  
What do I think of suc-cess? It sucks, too much press I'm stressed  
Too much stares two breasts, too upset  
It's just too much mess, I guess I must just blew up quick (yes)  
Grew up quick (no) was raised right  
Whatever you say is wrong, whatever I say is right  
You think of my name now whenever you say, "Hi"  
Became a commodity because I'm W-H-I-  
-T-E, cuz MTV was so friendly to me  
Can't wait 'til Kim sees me  
Now is it worth it? Look at my life, how is it perfect?  
Read my lips bitch, what, my mouth isn't workin?  
You hear this finger? Oh it's upside down  
Here, let me turn this motherf***** up right now  
  
That's why they call me Slim Shady (I'm Back)   
I'm Back (I'm Back) [SLIM SHADY!] I'm Back  
  
[Eminem]  
I take each individual degenerate's head and reach into it  
just to see if he's influenced by me if he listens to music  
And if he feeds into this shit he's an innocent victim  
and becomes a puppet on the string of my tennis shoe   
{*vocal scratches*} My name is Slim Shady  
I been crazy way before radio didn't play me  
The sensational {*vocal scratch "Back is the incredible!"*}  
 It's a, sick world we live in these days  
Geez, you guys are so sensitive  
"Slim it's a touchy subject, try and just don't mention it"  
Mind with no sense in it, fried to get so frenetic  
whose eyes get so squinted, I'm blind from smokin 'em  
with my windows tinted, with nine limos rented  
Doin lines of coke in 'em, with a bunch of guys hoppin out   
all high and indo scented {*inhales, exhales*}  
And that's where I get my name from, that's why they call me  
  
That's why they call me Slim Shady (I'm Back)   
I'm Back (I'm Back) [SLIM SHADY!] I'm Back  
  
[Eminem]  
I take seven [kids] from [Columbine], stand 'em all in line  
Add an AK-47, a revolver, a nine  
a Mack-11 and it oughta solve the problem of mine  
and that's a whole school of bullies shot up all at one time  
Cause (I'mmmm) Shady, they call me as crazy  
as the world was over this whole Y2K thing  
And by the way, N'Sync, why do they sing?  
Am I the only one who realizes they stink?  
Should I dye my hair pink and care what y'all think?  
Lip sync and buy a bigger size of earrings?  
It's why I tend to block out when I hear things  
Cause all these fans screamin is makin my ears ring (AHHHH!!!)  
So I just, throw up a middle finger and let it linger  
longer than the rumor that I was stickin it to Christina  
Cause if I ever stuck it to any singer in showbiz  
it'd be Jennifer Lopez, and Puffy you know this!  
I'm sorry Puff, but I don't give a fuck if this chick was my own mother  
   
That's why they call me Slim Shady (I'm Back)   
I'm Back (I'm Back) [SLIM SHADY!] I'm Back  
  
[Eminem {*vocal scratching*}]  
Guess who's b-back, back  
Gue-gue-guess who's back (Hi mom!)  
{*scratch*} Guess who's back  
{*scratch*} Gue {*scratch*} guess who's back  
D-12 {*scratch*} Guess who's back  
Gue, gue-gue-gue, guess who's back  
Dr. Dre {*scratch*} Guess who's back  
Back back {*scratch*} back  
{*scratch*}   
Slim Shady, 2001  
I'm blew out from this blunt (*sighs*) fuck**

Yuuko, Natalie: Voldemort!!!!

Voldemort: *Flinches*

Yuuko: Get over here…

Natalie: …NOW!!!

Voldemort: *Runs over to them, only to be smacked on the arse by Jordan and his ruler*

Jordan: Ooh! He is _sooooo_ cute!! 

Steph: Do you realise that most of the audience will have clicked on the 'close' button on hearing you?

Yuuko: *Smacks him over the head* Think before you open your mouth, dumbass!!

Lucius: *Gasp* I wouldn't take that, my Lord!

Michelle: Shut up! *Punches Luc on the nose*

Yuuko: No fair!! My job!

Lucius: *gets up, groaning* Don't worry; she doesn't have the same effect, like a broken nose…

Voldemort: *Hangs head* Sorry…

Cook: Ha ha!

Jordan: *Laughs at sticky note on Cooks back back, saying 'KICK ME'* Ha ha!

Eggy: *Laughs at sticky note on Jordan's back saying 'I LOVE Sarah'* Ha ha!

[Riiiiight…this potion is really freaky]

Steph: And you've only just noticed?

Draco: Help…that weirdo is staring at me…

Sarah:

**Oh Draco, you're so fine  
You're so fine, you blow my mind  
Hey Draco, hey Draco (x4)  
  
You've been around all night  
And that's a little long  
You think you've got it right    **(Harry: Got what right?)**  
But I think you got it wrong  
Oh, can't you say goodnight  
So you can take me home, Draco?            **(Draco: EEEP!)  
**  
Cos when you say you will  
It always means you won't  
You're giving me the chills baby  
Please baby don't  
Every night you still **

**leave me all alone, Draco?  
   
Oh Draco, What a pity  
You don't understand  
You take me by the heart  
When you take me by the hand            **(Lucius: My son would never think of touching a muggle! *Smacked over head by Yuuko with a, yes, ruler*)**  
Oh Draco, you're so pretty, can't you understand            **(Draco: Why I'm just good enough to eat?/ All: …/ Yuuko: I think we can ignore that…)**  
It's guys like you Draco  
And what you do, Draco, do, Draco  
Don't break my heart, Draco  **(Draco: HAHAHAHA!! DIE HEART! DIE!!/ Harry: And he says _I_ have lost it…))**  
Hey Draco   
  
Now if you take me by the **

**who's ever gonna know  
Every time you move I let a little more show    **(All: AAAARRGGH!!)**  
There's something you can use            **(Natalie: We won't ask. We will not ask…)**  
So don't say no, Draco   
  
So come on and give it to me       **(Draco: *slightly green* ULP…)

**anyway you can  
Anyway you wanna do it  
I'll take it like a man  **            (Cook, Jordan, Eggy: She IS a man!!)**  
Oh please baby, please don't leave me in the dam, Draco             **(Lucius: DROWN, DROWN! MWAHAHA!!/ Draco: And you all wonder why I turned out the way I did?)**  
  
Oh Draco, What a pity  
You don't understand  
You take me by the heart  
When you take me by the hand  
Oh Draco, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Draco  
And what you do, Draco, do, Draco  
Don't break my heart, Draco  
Hey Draco   
Oh Draco, What a pity  
You don't understand  
You take me by the heart  
When you take me by the hand  
Oh Draco, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Draco  
And what you do, Draco, do, Draco  
Don't break my heart, Draco  
Hey Draco**

**  
Oh Draco, you're fine  
You're so fine, you blow my mind  
Hey Draco, hey Draco (x3)  
  
Oh Draco, What a pity  
You don't understand  
You take me by the heart  
When you take me by the hand  
Oh Draco, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Draco  
And what you do, Draco, do, Draco  
Don't break my heart, Draco  
Hey Draco Oh Draco, What a pity  
You don't understand  
You take me by the heart  
When you take me by the hand  
Oh Draco, you're so pretty, can't you understand  
It's guys like you Draco  
And what you do, Draco, do, Draco  
Don't break my heart, Draco  
Hey Draco**

Draco: *Sobbing hysterically* Why me? WHY ME?!

Michelle, Steph: *Patting Draco on the back* There, there…

Sarah: *Still wailing*

Yuuko: That's it!

Natalie: Uh-oh…

Yuuko: *Knocks Sarah out with a chair…ouch…*

All: YAY!!

Sarah: *Gets up* …Draco…

All: *Scream*

Yuuko: *Looks from Sarah to shattered chair, back to Sarah*

Natalie: She isn't right…

Steph: …and you only just noticed…?

Michelle: EEK!! GET THE GARLIC!!

All but muggles: …?

Michelle: Muggle thing.

Harry, Ron: Haha! Draco has a zombie chasing him!

Sarah: …*Sigh*… Draco…

Draco: EEP!

Sarah: …Harry…Ron… *Chases them*

Harry, Ron, Draco: SHIT!! *Runs like hell*

Lucius: He he, I always knew that my son was hot stuff! *Yuuko slaps him a bit too late, but enjoys it anyway*

Snape, Lupin, McGonagall: *All have sudden urge to queue up and dance along to…*

**Sittin' here eatin' my heart out waitin'  
Waitin' for some lover to call  
Dialled about a thousand numbers lately  
Almost rang the phone off the wall  
  
Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
I need some hot stuff baby tonight  
I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
Gotta have some hot stuff  
Gotta have some lovin' tonight  
I need hot stuff  
I want some hot stuff  
I need some hot stuff**

(Yuuko: You know, I've always wanted to know how it would look when the Professors finally flipped)**  
  
Lookin' for a lover who needs another  
Don't want another night on my own  
Wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover  
Wanna bring a wild man back home**

(Lucius: …*sniff*…and I thought you loved me, Sevvy!/ All: …)**  
  
Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
I need some hot stuff baby tonight  
I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
Gotta have some hot stuff  
Gotta have some lovin' tonight  
I need hot stuff  
I want some hot stuff  
I need some hot stuff**

(Draco: My delicate façade is slowly crumbling…)

**  
Sittin' here eatin' my heart out, no reason  
Won't spend another night on my own  
I dialled about a hundred numbers baby  
I'm bound to find somebody home**

**  
Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
I need some hot stuff baby tonight  
I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'  
Gotta have some hot stuff  
Gotta have some lovin' tonight  
I need hot stuff  
I want some hot stuff  
I need some hot stuff**

All: 0_o;;

Lucius: They should be sanctioned…

Yuuko: *Whistles tune of 'Saturday night*

Lucius: …OK, Point taken…

Michelle: Hey, where are Cook, Jordan and Eggy?

[BLOODY HELL!!]

All: WHAT? WHAT?

[Well, Cook is wearing the very same dress that Kylie wore during the vid for 'Cant get you out of my head' and Jordan is wearing a policeman's outfit. Ha! You'd think he was someone from 'Village People'!]

Cook: No, but he's probably just as camp. *Jordan smacks him with ruler*

[Eggy is wearing a black, spangly halter-necked top, coupled with a pair of leather trousers, suspiciously like the ones Harry wore…anyway, I hate to think what _they _are going to sing.]

Cook, Eggy, Jordan:

**If you can't dance, if you can't dance. **

(Yuuko: More like, 'If They Can't Sing')

**If you can't dance. if you can't dance **

**If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me baby **

**If you can't dance, if you can't dance **

**If you can't dance. if you can't dance **

**If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me baby **

**Now we got the flavour, the bad behaviour, **

**the rhythm the melody, the juice for you to savour, **

**rockin' and vibing somebody is jivin', **

**You need to take a tip, sort it out, **

**Get a grip whenever I go out wherever it may be, **

**Never is there a Keanu but a dweeb lookin' at me **

**but even if I did score he's a loser on the dance floor, **

**Take a deep breath count 1 2 3.**

**Even when his eyes met mine **

**his slamming moves were out of time, **

**Can't you just feel the groove **

**why don't you move, **

**it's easy can't you see, **

**take my hand and dance with me**

**If you can't dance, if you can't dance. **

**If you can't dance. if you can't dance **

**If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me baby **

**If you can't dance, if you can't dance. **

**If you can't dance. if you can't dance **

**If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me baby.**

**Hey macho **

**Te vi el otro dia **

**Me dio mucha, mucha alegria **

**Eschucha la musica **

**Ay, madre mia **

**Hey chico, tu no tienes nada **

**Que susto, quesueco, que polla, que tieso **

**Oh, no me toques **

**Ay, que pero, feo **

**Venga, venga, marcha salida **

**Toma esa musica, me canta deprisa **

**Cuidado, cuidado, que chico, queloca, **

**Toma mi ritmo **

**Me voy contigo **

**Hey macho te quiero **

**Quiero un hombre, necesito, si pero no tu nombre **

**Hey macho, Hey macho **

**Si no bailas esto no puedes nada conmigo.**

**Hey macho **

**I saw you the other day **

**It made me very very happy **

**Listen to the music **

**Oh my dear **

**Hey boy, you have nothing **

**What a fright, what a? (Cook's Spanish isn't very clear), **

**what a dick, how **

**straight **

**Oh, don't touch me **

**Ay, how ugly **

**Come on, come on, get out of here **

**Have that music, I love it, hurry **

**Careful, careful **

**what a boy, how crazy **

**Have my rhythm **

**I'm going with you **

**Hey macho, I love you **

**I want a man, I need, yes, but not your name **

**Hey macho, Hey macho **

**If you can't dance to this you can't do nothing for me**

Lucius: Now, they _really should_ be sanctioned…

Yuuko: We know…

Cook: WHAT THE HELL AM I WEARING??

Natalie: Well, you did say that you loved Kylie…

Cook: No, I said I loved Beckham. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Yuuko: *Whispers in Voldemort's ear* Get it?

Voldemort: *Nods, then goes to talk to Luc*

Yuuko: *Whispers in Natalie's ear*

Natalie: *Sniggers* Well, at least they'll now have a reason to call me evil!!

Cook, Jordan, Eggy: What?

Lucius: Boxes are ready…

Voldemort: …magic ready…

Cook: Wha…

Yuuko: To put it quite frankly, we are sick of you. So, we are going to send you back to Conyers…

Jordan: There is a god!

Yuuko: …as sheep, to Mr Robin Morris.

Cook, Jordan, Eggy: *Scream*

Jordan: Ha ha! Cook still screams like a girl!

Cook: I do not! *Runs off to corner to cry*

Voldemort: *Turns the three 'imbeciles' into sheep, and shoves them into a box marked, 'MR R MORRIS, CONYERS SCHOOL'*

Steph: *Sends them off*

Michelle: Thank god for that.

[Umm, guys?]

Yuuko: Yes?

[Author has decided that you five are also going to be witches…]

Steph: *Squeals with delight and runs around the room*

Yuuko: *Looks at Lucius and snickers, evilly*

Michelle: Yay!

Natalie: Woo hoo!

[Except…because you are witches, the potion will affect you too…]

MysteriousVoice: Special Delivery returned!!

Natalie: Oh no…

*Sheepy sounds from inside crate*

Steph: Crap…

Yuuko: Ever the optimist, Steph?

~*~~*~~*~

BY THE WAY!!!

As Steph ever so kindly reminded me, these people actually exist, so they don't actually belong to me. There, I said it. Happy?

Thanx for reviewing! Can't continue without ya!


	9. Coping...Like, Totally!

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan and Eggy (Oh, and James, who is there, because, well, he wanted to be), who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. 

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, we are getting a tad lonely in the Hall. Any messages to us would be well appreciated!! Enjoy…

Happy Harry…^_^ 

[Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to another fun-filled episode of 'Hell Hath No Sanctuary'! I am your presenter, The Narrator, and it's time, yet again, for another exuberant day in *Demonic voice* …Hell… Say hello victims, I mean, err, Children!]

All but Voldemort: *Deadpan* …hi…

Voldemort: Hey! I'm not a child!

Yuuko: Yeah! Us kids are young, innocent, naïve, and not twisted, bent, malicious, evil-

Voldemort: *Bowing* Thank you, thank you.

Yuuko: *annoyed* and just *Pinches cheek* sooooo adorable!

Voldemort: *Swatting hand away* Stopit stopit stopit!! 

Natalie: But Voldemort, you are such a dreamy sex icon…*sigh*…what with those gorgeous eyes…*sigh*…the bad boy image is being revived…

Voldemort: *Frantically searches for place in which to crawl and die*

Jordan, Cook, Eggy, James: *Wink and wave* (A/N Which would have been scary enough, but they are still sheep…amazing what genetic modification can do these days…)

Voldemort: *Whimpering* Please…no more, no more… *Head in hands, rocking backwards and forwards in his seat*

[Oh, dear… do I detect some suicidal tendencies?]

Yuuko: *Worried* We were just joking. We hate you really… Umm, how can we convince you? *BRAINSTORM…* You're a disgusting little shit and it looks like you crawled out from under the nearest rock! You sicken me to the pit of my stomach and red eyes are sooooo last season! I wouldn't even spit on you if you were on fire!

Voldemort: *Look up* Really? Thank you! *Goes to kiss nearest people*

Nat: *Slaps him*

Yuuko: *Punches him*

Lucius: My Lord! *Run at Yuuko, who punches him on the nose as well.*

Voldemort: Wow, I didn't know my nose could bend like that…

Harry: Wow! Can you teach me how to do that?

Yuuko: *Shrugging* Metal knuckles come in handy. *Hand them to Harry*

[Oh, by the way, four of you are leaving us.]

All: WHO?

Yuuko: I suppose it would be far too optimistic to think that it might be my friends and I?

[Actually, not really. The people who will be leaving us are Michelle, Ron, George and Fred.]

Michelle, Ron, George, Fred: YAY! *Dance in a little circle holding hands*

Natalie: Oh, well. Never mind.

Steph: You don't mind?

Natalie: Not really. We get to taunt Cook the sheep and his baa-rmy friends!

Yuuko: Oh, that was cold…

Natalie: Yeah, I know…

Cook: BAA!

Natalie: Shut up you! *Smacks him with ruler*

Jordan: *Seem to be laughing at Cook, but we can't really tell…*

[Those four are going to be replaced by…………………………………………….]

Steph: EEK! ATTACK OF THE KILLER FULL STOPS!!

All: ?

Steph: *Waves hand, dismissively* Never mind, muggle thing…

[I thought the dot thing was quite good…anyway, the following people will be joining us to play!]

Snape: (American schoolgirl voice) Like, TOTALLY the BOMB!!

All: …

[Ahem, moving swiftly on, please welcome, James and Lily Potter and Guilderoy Lockhart!!! (A/N Slap me if I spelt it wrong!)]

*Ron, Fred, George and Michelle disappear in a puff of pink and red stripy smoke. James, Lily and Lockhart appear in a puff of blue smoke with silver stars…cool, huh?*

James: *Cough cough* Where the hell are we? This isn't 'The Snitch' (A famous afterlife pub). Ooh, nice smoke. 

Snape: *Star-eyes* Purty…

Harry: *Squeaky voice* Mummy? Daddy?

Lily: *Tears filling eyes* Harry? Is that you, my little baby? 

Harry: WAAAAAAA! *Throws himself at parents* MUMMY! DADDY!

All but Voldemort and Lucius: Aaw! How sweet! *Wipe tears from eyes*

Voldemort: Yuck! Public showing of emotion…eeew! 

Lucius: He, he! Good one, sir!

Yuuko: *Smacks them both round the head with a metal ruler…ouch…*

James: Ooh. I see, Lucius, that you still strike fear in the most hardened of criminals!

Lucius: That's 'sir' to you, Potter! *Gets smacked again* OW!

Lily: What's with the ruler?

Yuuko: It's Jordan's. I'm just borrowing it because he would find it a bit hard to use it, seeing as he is a sheep…

Lily, James: …

Harry: …don't ask…

Yuuko: By the way, I'm Yuuko Mackay, and my friends, Natalie Price, Stephanie Cole and the bimbo over there is Sarah Abbey. The sheep are Cook, Jordan, Eggy and James. I think…or is that one Cook?

James: Nice to meet you. I'm James Potter, and this is my infinitely better half, Lily.

Lucius: Ooh, keeps the whip out, eh?

Lily: One advantage of being dead, Lucius, is that you get to hear a HECK of a lot of stories at the local pub…and your mansion is rigged into the satellite. *Shudder*

Yuuko: *Evil grin* Say, can we discuss that over a cappuccino sometime?

Lily: Sure, just say when and where-

Lockhart: Hellooo? Does no one care that I, Guilderoy Lockhart, supreme adventurer and author, am in your presence?

Lily: Say about 6.00pm tomorrow?

Yuuko: Can Natalie come along?

Lily: Sure! Are you ok, my sugarplum? *Pinches Harry's cheek*

Harry: Aw! Mum!

Lockhart: Hello? Superstar here!! Right here!

James: I'm proud of you, son. You've turned out to be a strapping young lad.

Lupin: He has also done many things to make you prouder.

James, Lily: *Squeal* REMUS!! How have you been?

Snape: Like, totally cool!

James: What's with Sev?

Lupin: *Shrugs* Beats me. Oh, hang on, the narrator will probably tell you.

Lucius: Great, now there are THREE Potters, and here's me thinking things could get no worse.

James: I know you love me, really.

Jordan: BAA!

Steph: Ha ha! Jordan can't make any smart arse comments! Nya, nya! *Sticks tongue out at all three sheep, who 'BAA' at her, ooh, scary…not*

Lockhart: Hellooooooooo? 

McGonagall: Mr Potter! How have you been?

James: Professor! Great!! Well, except the little fact that we died…that was a bummer…but yeah, great!

McGonagall: Lily, I suppose you are proud of your young Gryffindor!

Lily: Oh, very much so. *Squeezes Harry in bone-crushing hug* You're my brave little boy!

Harry: Aaw! Mum!! Breath. Need, air.

Lockhart: HELLO!!

All: *Look up at Lockhart* Oh, hi Lockhart.

Lockhart: They love me! They really love me!!!

Snape: And, like, how did he get DATDA job before me? I'm sooo much cuter than he is. I mean, look! The rugged look is sooo last season! God, just _look_ at his nails!

Steph: …puff…

Lucius: Don't make fun of Sev!! *Grabs Steph by collar of robes*

Yuuko: *Smacks him, hard, with ruler* DON'T. THREATEN. MY. FRIENDS…

[Um, guys, you do remember the singing potion?]

All: *Groan* 

Lockhart, Lily, James: What singing potion?

[Well, the reason we are here is because this school, Hogwarts, has a safeguard on it, so that if anyone threatened Harry, especially Evil Dark Lords, they will be sprayed with a potion. Unfortunately, this backfired, so the whole Hall is filled with it…]

Lily: AND WHO WAS THREATENING MY LITTLE BABY?!!!

Harry: Mum, chill.

Snape: Ooh, get you!

Steph: Your Mama too!

Yuuko, Nat: And Your Daddy!

*three ex-muggles fall about laughing*

All: What?

Yuuko: Muggle thing.

[Um, right…you lot do realise you will be trapped together for another five weeks at least…]

All: *Scream*

Nat: Oh, get over it!

Steph: Maybe they'll run out of songs…

Snape: They had us singing 'Hot Stuff', I doubt they'll let a little thing like no songs stop them from humiliating us.

James: *Grinning* 'Hot Stuff'?

Lucius: *Shrugging* Well, he is.

All: *Edge away from Lucius* …

Lucius: Hey! *Swings arm to catch someone and ends up punching Yuuko in the face*

All: *Shocked gasp* 

*Silence as Yuuko holds her face in her hands*

Lucius: *Draws hand back quickly, glancing about the room and laughs, nervously*

[You are in some deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep shite, Luc.]

Lucius: *Strangled cry* …eep…

Yuuko: *Slowly lifts head* That, *Turns head to Luc* was a VERY big mistake…

Lupin, McGonagall: 

**There's no sign on the gate  
And there's mud on your face  
Don't you think it's time we re-investigate this situation  
Put some fruit on your plate  
  
You forgotten how it started  
Close you eyes  
Think of all the bubbles of love we made  
And you're down on your knees  
It's too late  
Oh don't come crawlin'  
And you lie by my feet  
What a big mistake  
I see you fallin'  
  
Got a buzz in my head  
And my flowers are dead  
Can't figure out a way to rectify this situation  
Don't believe what you said  
  
You forgotten how it started  
Close you eyes  
Think of all the bubbles of love we made  
And you're down on your knees  
It's too late  
Oh don't come crawlin'  
And you lie by my feet  
What a big mistake  
I see you fallin'  
  
I could sting like a bee  
Careful how you treat me  
Baby I don't think I'll except your sorry invitation  
Close the door as you leave  
  
You forgotten how it started  
Close you eyes  
Think of all the bubbles of love we made  
And you're down on your knees  
It's too late  
Oh don't come crawlin'  
And you lie by my feet  
What a big mistake  
I see you fallin'  
And you cry over me  
I can't wait  
I feel you stallin'  
And you try to reach me  
What a big mistake  
I hear you callin  
And you're down on your knees  
It's too late  
Oh don't come crawlin'  
And you lie by my feet  
What a big mistake  
I see you fallin'**

[Erm…yeah, sure…meanwhile, Lucius is running for his life, while Yuuko throws knives at him…jeez…talk about mood swings.]

Voldemort: Oh, yoo-hoo! *Waves at Yuuko who leaves her chase, glaring at Lucius, and joins Voldy* Would you be interested in swapping professions with Lucius? I mean, he would make a better schoolgirl, and you a better Death-Eater.

Yuuko: Hmm, I dunno. There's the whole 'evil' status to cope with…

Voldemort: At least think about it. Please? I don't want to be stuck with _him_ *jerks thumb at Lucius, who is cowering in the corner* for the rest of my reign…

Harry: *Mumbles* Which won't be very long, if I have anything to do with it…

Yuuko: Well… *Thinks* …no, although, I never want to be a goody two shoes like Potter senior over there.

James: I'm hurt. You are really friends with her?

Harry: Yep!

Yuuko: *Calls James over* Listen, I couldn't help but notice your undying love for Malfoy, and I just wanted to give you this…*Hands him a shiny metal ruler*…use it wisely, my child…*bows*

James: *Looks down at ruler, then smacks Lucius and Voldemort, getting hooked on the activity*

Lucius, Voldemort: EEEEEEEEK!!

James: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE POWER! THE POOOWEEER!! 

Voldemort: *To Lucius* Why didn't I kill _you_ instead of _him_?

Lucius: I'm hurt…

Sarah:

**Why does the rain fall from the sky?**

**How can a sugar pill take this pain away?**

**I should have known that you would break my heart.**

**You've ended something that didn't have a chance to start.**

**Put out the stars.  Rub out the sky.**

**Look to the future.  Wipe the teardrop from my eye.**

**Shut out the sun.  Put out the light.**

**Want you to tell me how you're gonna make it right.**

**Why am I crying over you?**

**Why?  'Cos there's nothing else that I can do.**

**Why do I always look a fool?**

**Why?**

**Wish I'd read the signs and left you well alone.**

**God, I wanna call you but I can't pick up the phone.**

**Put out the stars.  Rub out the sky.**

**Look to the future.  Wipe the teardrop from my eye.**

**Shut out the sun.  Bring on the night.**

**Want you to show me how you're gonna make it right.**

**Why am I crying over you?**

**Why?  'Cos there's nothing else I can do.**

**Why do I always look a fool?**

**Why?**

**Why am I crying over you?**

**(Tell me why.  Why does the rain fall from the sky?)**

**Why?  'Cos there's nothing else that I can do.**

**(Why do the tears fall from my eyes?)**

**Why do I always look a fool?**

**(Why does the rain fall from the sky?)**

**Why?  (Oh tell me why)**

**(Tell me why).**

Harry: …riiiight…

Yuuko: *Knocks Sarah unconscious*

Harry: *Watches his Dad run around the room after Lucius and Voldemort* How long did you know Dad before marrying him?

Lily: *Sighing* Too long, sweetheart, FAAR too long…

James: *Runs back* You love me to bits, really. *Kissing scene*

Harry: ACK! Listen, I love having you back and all, but GET A ROOM!

*They don't*

Yuuko: Hmm… Hey! Look, Padfoot and Wormtail!! 

Lily, James: *Search room frantically*

Draco: Who?

Steph: Nothing

Draco: I'm lost…

Lucius, Voldemort, Snape: Were we meant to get that?

Yuuko: Nope.

Lupin: *Whistles, innocently*

[Um, guys?]

All: Yes?

[Fire…]

All: *Look at smouldering remains of candle and scream*

James, Lily:

**My Lullaby, hung out to dry  
What's up with that  
It's over  
Where are you dad  
Mum's lookin' sad  
What's up with that  
It's dark in here  
  
Why, bleeding is breathing  
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room  
Try, bleeding is believing  
I used to  
  
My mouth is dry  
Forgot how to cry  
What's up with that  
You're hurting me  
I'm running fast  
Can't hide the past  
What's up with that  
You're pushing me  
  
Why, bleeding is breathing  
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room  
Try, bleeding is believing  
I used to  
I used to  
  
Why, bleeding is breathing  
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room  
Try, bleeding is believing  
I saw you crawling on the floor  
Why, bleeding is breathing  
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room  
Try, bleeding is believing  
I saw you crawling on the floor  
Why, bleeding is breathing  
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room  
Try, bleeding is believing  
I saw you crawling on the floor******

Steph: Shut up already!!

Yuuko: *Conjures a fire extinguisher with wand* God, I would have thought you know how to use one of these? *Raises wand*

All Witches and wizards (and sheep): Oh, yeah…

Steph: It seems like we are the only same ones left.

Lupin, Snape, James, Lockhart, Lily: HEY!

Nat: *Sigh* Yep.

Lupin: We will fight for our rights, you know.

James: Right to what?

Nat, Steph: To PAR-TAY!!

**You wake up late for school - man you don't wanna go   
You ask you mom, "Please?" - but she still says, "No!"   
You missed double potions - and no homework **(Harry: When hell freezes over…)**  
But your teacher preaches class like you're some kind of jerk   
  
You gotta fight for your right to party   
  
Your pop caught you smoking - and he said, "No way!" **(James: No way!)**  
That hypocrite - smokes two packs a day   
Man, living at home is such a drag   
Now your mom threw away your best Quidditch mag (Bust it!) **(Harry, James: *Faint*)**  
  
You gotta fight for your right to party  
  
Don't step out of this house if that's the clothes you're gonna wear   
I'll kick you out of my home is you don't cut that hair   
Your mom busted in and said, "What's that noise?"   
Aw, mom you're just jealous - it's the Beastie Boys!   
  
You gotta fight for your right to party**

You gotta fight for your right to party 

Snape: BEEP BEEP!! AWOOOOGA!

All: …

Voldemort: *Wave hand, also talks in American schoolgirl voice* Like, totally cool!

Yuuko: …err…guys…?

Natalie: Conyers is better than this place…

Steph: Anywhere is…

Lockhart:

**I walked the maze of moments**

**but everywhere I turned to**

**begins a new beginning**

**but never finds a finish**

**I walk to the horizon**

**and there I find another**

**it all seems so surprising**

**and then I find that I know             **(Lucius: What is he on?/ All: *Shrug*

**You go there you're gone forever**

**I go there I'll lose my way**

**we stay here we're not together**

**Anywhere is    **(Harry: Anywhere is what?)

**The moon upon the ocean**

**is swept around in motion **(Snape: Like, wow! That is _sooo_ cool!)

**but without ever knowing**

**the reason for its flowing**

**in motion on the ocean**

**the moon still keeps on moving**

**the waves still keep on waving**            (Voldemort: I should have killed him, shouldn't I?/ All: *Nod*)

**and I still keep on going **

**You go there you're gone forever**

**I go there I'll lose my way**

**if we stay here we're not together**

**Anywhere is**

**I wonder if the stars sign**

**the life that is to be mine**

**and would they let their light shine**

**enough for me to follow**

**I look up to the heavens**

**but night has clouded over**

**no spark of constellation**

**no Vela no Orion **

**The shells upon the warm sands**

**have taken from their own lands**

**the echo of their story**

**but all I hear are low sounds **(Steph: That is what echoes are, dork!)

**as pillow words are weaving**

**and willow waves are leaving**

**but should I be believing**

**that I am only dreaming             **(Draco: Nightmare…)

**You go there you're gone forever**

**I go there I'll lose my way**

**if we stay here we're not together**

**Anywhere is**

**To leave the thread of all time**

**and let it make a dark line**

**in hopes that I can still find**

**the way back to the moment**

**I took the turn and turned to**

**begin a new beginning**

**still looking for the answer**

**I cannot find the finish**

**It's either this or that way**

**it's one way or the other**

**it should be one direction**

**it could be on reflection            **(Lucius: What is he on about?)

**the turn I have just taken**

**the turn that I was making**

**I might be just beginning**

**I might be near the end.             **(Yuuko: OOPS! Oh, dear, he fell off a cliff…I wish)

Sarah: Isn't he dreamy?

All: *Look at Sarah*

Draco: I'm free! *Runs around room flailing arms* I'm free I'M FREEEEE! *Runs into wall* OW!

Harry: Proves the dumb blonde theory!

Draco: I am not a dumb blonde!

Draco:

**Don't try to cry your way out of this  
Don't try to lie or I'll catch you in it  
Don't try to make me feel sorry for you            **(Harry: Since when do _I_ do _that_?)**  
Just because I'm blonde  
Don't think I'm dumb            **(Steph: Oh dear, too late!)**  
Cause this dumb blonde ain't nobody's fool      **(Lucius: You tell 'em, son!)**  
  
When you left you thought I'd sit  
An' you thought I'd wait  
An' you thought I'd cry  
You called me a dumb blonde            **(Lily: You know this boy, Harry?/ Harry: *sigh* unfortunately…)**  
Ah, but somehow I lived through it  
And you know if there's one thing this blonde has learned  
Blondes have more fun  
  
You flew too high up off the ground  
It's stormy weather an' had to come back down  
But I've found new thread for my old spool  
Just because I'm blonde  
Don't think I'm dumb  
Cause this dumb blonde ain't nobody's fool  
  
When you left you thought I'd sit  
An' you thought I'd wait  
An' you thought I'd cry       **(Lupin: Haven't we just been through that?)**  
You called me a dumb blonde            **(Snape: Like, that is totally not cool!)**  
Ah, but somehow I lived through it  
And you know if there's one thing this blonde has learned  
Blondes have more fun  
  
You flew too high up off the ground  
It's stormy weather an' had to come back down  
But I've found new thread for my old spool  
Just because I'm blonde  
Don't think I'm dumb  
Cause this dumb blonde ain't nobody's fool      **(Lucius: YESSS!)

Harry, Yuuko, Steph, Natalie: Riiiight…

[SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR LUCIUS MALFOY!!]

Lucius: *Opens letter* Bank…regret to inform…*Colour drains from face*

Draco: Lemme see! *Snatches letter and reads it* EEEEK! NOOOOOOOO! *Faints*

Yuuko: …? *Picks up dropped letter* Gringotts bank regrets to inform you that your credit card has been maxed out, and you overdraft is bigger than Sev's nose…

Snape: Like, that is totally not on!

Yuuko: …we are also apologetic that we have taken every single belonging of yours from the mansion, except the animals, appliances, et cetera, to pay off your debts…

Harry: Ha! The Malfoys are poor! Ron will love this!

Lily: Now, now. Harry, it's not nice to laugh at other peoples misfortunes.

Harry: He tried to kill me…

Lily: WHAT?!!

Harry, Yuuko, Steph:

**Once you had gold,**

**Once you had silver,**

**Then came the rains**

**out of the blue.**

**Ever and always.**

**Always and ever.**

**Time gave both darkness and dreams to you. **

**Now you can see**

**Spring becomes autumn,**

**leaves become gold**

**falling from view.**

**Ever and always.**

**Always and ever.**

**No-one can promise a dream come true,**

**Time gave both darkness and dreams to you. **

**What is the dark;**

**shadows around you,**

**why not take heart**

**in the new day?**

**Ever and always.**

**Always and ever.**

**No-one can promise a dream for you,**

**Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.**

Lucius: …no need to rub it in…

Yuuko: Oh, there is every need.

Voldemort: Like, Yay!

Snape: Totally, yah!

Harry: Maybe this means that we won't see the Malfoys that often anymore…

Voldemort:

**When I think back on these times  
And the dreams we left behind  
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed  
To get to have you in my life **

**When I think back on these days  
I'll look and see your face  
You were right there for me**

**In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life  
I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be  
And everywhere I am there you'll be**

**Well, you showed me how it feels  
To have the sky within my reach  
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me  
Your love made me make it through  
Oh, I owe so much to you  
You were right there for me**

**In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life  
I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be**

**Cause I always saw in you my life, my strength  
And I want to thank you now for all the ways  
You were right there for me  
You were right there for me  
Always**

**In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life  
I'll keep a part of you with me  
And everywhere I am there you'll be  
And everywhere I am there you'll be**

**There you'll be**

Lucius: My Lord, you _do_ care!

Voldemort: Of course, silly!

Lucius: Sir!

Voldemort: Lucius!

*Slow motion run towards each other where they share a warm embrace*

All: Aaw, how sweet! The Evil Dark Lord and the Evil Dark Lords main henchman…

Lupin: You can just about imagine Lucius to be a sweet little angel.

Yuuko: Wouldn't go that far…

Lucius:

**If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye  
Well I'd be rich beyond my dreams, **

**I'm sorry for my weary life  
I know I'm not perfect but I can smile  
And I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes  
If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night  
And If I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night  
I know I can be afraid but I'm alive**

**And I hope that you trust this heart behind my tired eyes**

**  
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try  
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life  
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry  
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly**

**  
I know I'm not around each night   
And I know I always think I'm right  
I can believe that you might look around**

**  
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try  
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life  
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry  
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly.   
**

Lupin: …or not, as the case may be.

Snape: God, Remus! *Remus said like Ree-murse* Don't you ever, like, think?

Lupin: Huh?

Snape:

**(Ignore reality there's nothing you can do about it)  
  
Some people  
Don't worry  
'Bout nothing  
Don't know what's going on  
I'm not one  
Who can't say they're sorry  
I just care what's going on  
There's more important  
Than making sure your watch look just right  
And second hand opinions  
Don't make you look any smarter  
  
Don't you think  
Don't you think  
Don't you think that maybe it's time, yes it's time  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking  
  
And don't just sweeten up the taste  
Brother shots brother  
But meanwhile your fixing up your face  
You're not affected by the truth  
Unless it's on your doorstep  
Deodorise your paradise  
No point in getting crazy  
  
Don't you think  
Don't you think  
Don't you think that maybe it's time, yes it's time  
  
Time you started thinking 'bout things in the back of your head  
Someone said before you turn a blind eye  
Hear a bell ring sex sells everything  
But I don't buy it so don't try it  
Sleeping in the small world head in the sand  
Better wash your hands, make a new plan  
There's more important things  
Than making sure your shoes walk just right  
Ignore reality there's nothing you can do about it  
Ignore reality there's nothing you can do about it  
Ignore reality there's nothing you can do about it  
The clothes you wear don't make the man  
It's just another party  
  
Don't you think  
Don't you think  
Don't you think that maybe it's time  
Don't you think  
Don't you think  
Don't you think that maybe it's time  
Time you started thinking  
There are more important things  
Than making sure your watch looks just right  
Your second hand opinions  
Don't make you look any smarter  
You're not affected by the truth  
Unless it's on your doorstep  
Deodorise your paradise  
No point in getting crazy  
Yes, its time  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking  
Time you started thinking**

All: …

Lupin: …erm, sure Severus… *Edge away*

[God, will no-one save us from this fate worse than death?! We need a brave hero!]

Harry:

**(Let me be your hero)**

**Would you dance if asked you to  
dance**

**Would you run and never look  
back**

**Would you cry if you saw me  
crying would you save my soul  
tonight**

**Would you tremble if I touched  
your lips**

**Would you laugh oh please tell me  
this**

**Now would you die for the one you  
love**

**Hold me in your arms tonight**

**I can be your hero baby**

**I can kiss away the pain**

**I will stand by you forever**

**You can take my breath away**

**Would you swear that you'll  
always be mine**

**Would you lie would you  
remember**

**My angel be have I lost my mind**

**I don't care you're here tonghit**

**I can be your hero baby**

**I can kiss away the pain**

**I will stand by you forever**

**You can take my breath away**

**Ohhh I just wanna hold you, I just  
wanna hold you, oh yeah**

**My angel be have I lost my mind**

**I don't care your here tonight**

**I can be your hero baby**

**I can kiss away the pain**

**(Oh yeah)**

**I will stand by you forever**

**You can take my breath away**

**I can be uour hero**

**I can kiss away the pain**

**And I will stand by you forever**

**You can take my breath away**

**You can take my breath away**

**I can be your hero**

Steph, Nat, Yuuko: EEEK! NOT THAT SONG!!

Voldemort: Wow, I can, like, sooo torture you with this song. Mega cool!

Snape: Yah! Mega cool!

Yuuko: Unfortunately for you, it only works if you _can _sing.

Voldemort: Bummer.

Snape: Yah, bummer.

Natalie: Hey, look-the sheep are turning back into people! 

Cook: I refuse, point blank, to sing!

Steph: Just as well, then, because you can't 'sing'. Wail, maybe, but sing? No.

Cook: Oh, straight to the heart!

Jordan: *Smacks Cook with ruler* Ha ha!

Cook: OUCH! That hurts, you know.

James: I think that's the point.

Yuuko: And this, kids, is the point of the show that has no point. Where four imbeciles are dressed up in feminine fabrics and sing strange and 'stonishing songs!

Steph: …_as_tonishing…

Yuuko: *Snap* I know that, it just wouldn't have fit the alliteration thing!

Natalie: When did they get changed?

Yuuko, Steph: *Look up from blazing row* Huh?

Natalie: Them…

*Yuuko and Steph fall onto floor with laughter, soon joined by Natalie*

[Hey, readers, you remember the Lady Marmalade song from Moulin Rouge, right? Well, Jordan is dressed like Pink, Eggy like Lil' Kim, James like Mya, and Cook like Christina, with the big hair and the make-up.]

Jordan: Ha ha! The look actually suits Cook!!

Steph: Ha! You needn't talk!

Jordan, James, Eggy, Cook:

**Eggy: **

**Where's all mah soul sistas**

**Lemme hear ya'll flow sistas**

**James: **

**Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista **

**Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista **

**James: **

**He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge**

**Struttin' her stuff on the street**

**She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! uh huh**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya dada (Hey hey hey)**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya here (here)**

**Mocha Chocalata ya ya (oh yea)**

**Creole lady Marmalade**

**Eggy: **

**What What, What what**

**James: **

**ooh oh**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi**

**Eggy: yea yea yea yea**

**Jordan: He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up**

**Boy drank all that Magnolia wine**

**All her black satin sheets, suede's, dark greens**

**yeah**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya dada (da-da-da)**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya here (here ohooh yea yeah)**

**Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)**

**Creole lady Marmalade**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir, what what what)**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi **

**Eggy:**

**yea yea uh**

**He come through with the money and the garter bags**

**I let him know we bout that cake straight up the gate uh**

**We independent women, some mistake us for whores**

**I'm sayin', why spend mine when I can spend yours **

**Disagree? Well that's you and I'm sorry**

**I'm a keep playing these cats out like Atari**

**Wear ideal shoes get love from the dudes **

**4 bad a** chicks from the Moulin Rouge**

**hey sistas, soul sistas, betta get that dough sistas**

**We drink wine with diamonds in the glass**

**bottle case the meaning of expensive taste**

**if you wanna Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya **

**Mocha Chocalate-a what?**

**Real Lady Marmalade**

**One more time C'mon now**

**Marmalade... Lady Marmalade... Marmalade... **

**Cook: **

**hey Hey Hey!**

**Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth**

**color of cafe au lait alright**

**Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried,**

**More-more-more**

**Jordan: **

**Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5**

**Eggy:**

**Sleepin' the grey flannel life **

**Cook:**

**But when he turns off to sleep memories creep, **

**More-more-more**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya dada (da daeaea yea)**

**Gouchie, Gouchie, ya ya here (ooh)**

**Mocha Choca lata ya ya (yea)**

**Creole lady Marmalade**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi (all my sistas yea)**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir (ce soir)**

**Voulez vous coucher avec moi (C'Mon! uh)**

**[Narrator]:**

**Christina...(oh Leaeaa Oh)**

**Pink... (Lady Marmalade)**

**Lil' Kim...(hey Hey! uh uh uh uh...)**

**Mya...(Oh Oh oooo)**

**Rot wailer baby...(baby)**

**Moulin Rouge... (0h)**

**Misdemeanor here...**

**Creole Lady Marmalade Yes-ah…**

All: …

Natalie: …that was as disturbing, if not more than the last song they did…

Yuuko: You know, I think they enjoy it.

Cook: Oh, Jordan! I LOVE the hair!!

Jordan: Really? I wasn't sure about the colour…

Lucius: And you really know these muggles?

Yuuko: Nope.

Draco: I am so glad your blonde friend got over her infatuation. 

Lockhart: AAAAAARRGGH!! *Runs like the wind*

Sarah: WAIT! I need to know your star sign! Favourite colour? Do you like ice-cream? WAAAIIIIT!! 

Snape: *To Voldemort* So, yah, I told this guy, "like, no way!"

Voldemort: Like totally! 

Lucius: …

Harry: …

James: Anyone for a game of Exploding Snap?

*McGonagall, Lily, Lupin, James and Steph go off to play Snap*

Snape: He was, like, totally gross! EEW!

Voldemort: Like, totally!

Yuuko: You still worship the ground he walks on?

Lucius: …no…

Harry: Umm, Malfoy? Your Dad's lights have just gone out…

Draco: *Waves hand, dismissively* It happens.

Natalie: Shit happens. 

Yuuko, Nat: *Fall about with laughter*

Draco: What?

Harry, Yuuko, Natalie: …muggle thing.

Draco: …right…

Harry: Can I hang around with you guys? Ron and Herm have gone off, so…

Natalie: *Shrug* Sure.

Draco: Can I?

Yuuko: Why not?

Lucius: Ooh, pretty pink elephants…pretty…pretty…

Draco: Ah, this is one of his suicidal moods. Whenever he talks about pink elephants, watch out.

Yuuko: Will do.

Draco: Umm, what can we do?

Natalie: Let him get on with it?

Draco: *Glare*

Natalie: Or not…

Yuuko: Quick and easy solution, coming up! *Smacks Lucius, clipping his jaw, and knocking him out cold* Hell, that was _fun_!!

Draco: Hmm…at least he can't do anything to himself…

[Well, the author is getting tired, so she wants you lot to have fun while she takes a nap. Oh, and she's left an assortment of games for you to play with…Monopoly, Mouse Trap, two Playstations with large wide-screen TVs, with an assortment of games for both consoles, seven computers, and a sound system, with some CDs]

All: Yay!

[And for Natalie, James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah!]

Natalie: YAY!

James, Dan: Hello again.

Yuuko: I get one of the Playstations!!

Harry: Can I play against you?

Draco: Can I join in?

Yuuko: Yep! Steph, how 'bout you?

Steph: Sure, can we play Gran Turismo 2?

All: Yep.

*Natalie, James and Dan playing 40 Winks on the Playstation*

James: I wanna be the Wheelbarrow!

Lily: I'll have the iron.

McGonagall: I'll have the hat.

Voldemort: BRUM, BRUM!!

Lupin: Can I be the doggy?

Snape: I want the horsey!

Sarah: I want the boot!!

Lockhart: *Mumble*…I wanna go home…Oh, I'll have the thimble!

Cook, Jordan, Eggy: How do you play Mouse Trap?

Natalie: Work it out.

Harry: Why are electrical things working?

Yuuko: …Harry…never, ever underestimate the power of the Fanfic author…

[And so we leave our little friends having fun with the little presents that the kind author gave them. But, the singing potion is still there…and you never know when it will strike next…]

Yuuko: Woopee!

Draco: Ooh, sarky! 

~*~~*~~*~

Yuuko: I've outdone myself this time…25 PAGES ON COMPUTER! WOW!! Well, im on half-term hols at the moment, so I can rite a teensy bit, while doing my art! We are preparing for our exam, which is in March…-_-;; eep…

Draco, Lucius, Harry: Well, good luck!

Yuuko: Aaw, thanx!

*Group hug!*


	10. Question Time

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. 

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah.

Question and Answer!! 

[Welcome, once again, to what has been made our humble abode. The hall is positively bustling with activity; Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy are still trying to work out how to play Mousetrap; James, Lupin, Lockhart, Sarah, Snape, Voldemort and McGonagall are still playing Monopoly, and it seems like James is winning…]

James: HA! You are on MY space. Cough up!

Snape: *Back to what some may class as 'normal'* But I don't have any more money…

James: Then you're out of the game. Sorry dear. BWAHAHAHAH!!

All: …right…

[James, Dan, Draco and Harry are still playing Gran Turismo 2 on the Playstation, each refusing to believe that the other has won. Lily, Yuuko, Natalie and Steph are having a VERY interesting conversation about Lucius, who, by the way, is still out cold on the floor. *Sigh* Might as well show some kindness and put him on the couch…]

Voldemort: Couch?

Yuuko: Look around yourself, Voldy. The authoress has turned the Great Hall into a play town! We're in the café! You are in the Games Zone!

Voldemort: Oh.

Yuuko: Anyway, where were we?

Lily: So the troublemakers of the afterlife decided to rig the Malfoy Mansion up to the Television set in The Snitch! There's a camera in the living room, one in the study, in the Hall, in the Kitchen, the library, the Summerhouse, the pool house…

Natalie: So, in every single room in the house.

Lily: Except the bedroom, yes.

Yuuko: Except?

Steph: I would have thought that the bedroom is the place they wanted to see first.

Lily: *Malicious Grin* You know, no-one would ever have known that using ice cream could be so much fun…

Steph: Eew, bad mental image…

Yuuko: You just _had_ to bring up mental images, didn't you?

Natalie: KACK!

*They continue conversation, until…*

[Ooh! Message from the authoress!! *narrator gets spirit of Authoress inside her*

HELLO MY LITTLE PRETTIES…HE, HE, HE! HOPE YOU ARE ALL ENJOYING THE LITTLE ACTIVITIES I SET UP FOR YOU. ANYWAY…MINERVA! YOU ARE BEING SENT TO THE HOUSE OF A LOYAL FAN OF YOURS, A CERTAIN NANCY D. AND LOCKHART, YOU ARE JUST ANNOYING, SO GO AWAY. TWO OTHERS, WHO WILL BE ALONG ANY MINUTE NOW, WILL BE REPLACING YOU TWO! WELL, HAVE FUN! BY THE WAY, I HOPE YOU ARE GETTING ENOUGH QUALITY TIME TOGETHER…THERES STILL A LOT MORE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER THOUGH…MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!]

All: *Scream*

[ENOUGH WITH THE SCREAMING! YES, SEVERUS, I CAN HEAR YOU. I CREATED THIS SITUATION REMEMBER? BY THE WAY, ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT ANSWERING?]

Yuuko: Who are you? This is, or was, my story!

[WELL, I AM YOU, TO PUT IT BLUNTLY. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT! YOU ARE THE IMAGINATION OF YUUKO MACKAY, AND I AM THE FANFIC AUTHOR SIDE. STICK US BACK TOGETHER AND HEY PRESTO! YOU GET A FULL YUUKO MACKAY!]

Yuuko: …great…

Lucius: *Suddenly waking up* EEK! PINK ELEPHANTS!

All: …

[…]

Cook: Hey, why are we here, me, Jordan, Eggy and James that is.

[DUH, I MAY BE A PSYCHOTIC FANFIC AUTHOR, BUT I AIN'T DUMB! AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE. JUST THINK OF THIS AS A DREAM…OR A NIGHTMARE, IN SOME CASES]

Natalie: Can James and Dan stay for the rest of the story?

[*sigh* YES, NATALIE, THEY CAN]

*Suddenly, Lockhart and McGonagall disappear, to be replaced by…*

James, Harry, Lily: Sirius!!

Voldemort: *Groaning* Wormtail…

Harry: ACK! IT'S HIM!!! DIE! *Lunges at Wormtail, only to be held back by Yuuko and Natalie* LEMME AT HIM! LEMME AT HIM!!

[*sigh* I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO DO THIS, BUT *SNAP FINGERS AND PUTS HARRY IN STRAIGHTJACKET* THERE, NOW BUTTON IT, OR YOU AND SNAPE WILL DO THE TANGO TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! DON'T YOU LAUGH EITHER, WORMTAIL, OR YOU WILL DANCE WITH SIRIUS!]

Wormtail: …eep…

Sirius: WORMTAIL?! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SH- *Mouth is covered by sticky label, marked CENSORED and is also put in a straightjacket* MMPH! MMMMPPH!!

[SIRIUS, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS, NO SWEARING…PLEASE, I DO HAVE STANDARDS TO SET.]

Lucius: *Whimpering* Why no more money…?

Draco: Dad, get over it. Money isn't that important, anyway.

Lucius: *Faints*

Harry: …Malfoy, do you realise you just said that money isn't important…?

Draco: *Sarcastic* No! My mouth just spasms and words that I cannot comprehend just fall out!

Yuuko: OOH! Touchy!

Wormtail: Umm, why am I here?

[JUST SO I CAN TORTURE YOU FOR BEING SUCH A SLIMY LITTLE BAS- I MEAN, SUCH A SLIMY LITTLE GIT!! PLUS, I WILL LET SIRIUS GET YOU *IF* HE STOPS SWEARING]

Sirius: *Silent*

[OK, *SNAPS FINGERS SO SIRIUS IS RELEASED. SO IS HARRY*]

Sirius, Harry: DIE! DIE, WORMTAIL, DIIIIIEEEEE!! *Chases him around the room*

Wormtail: *Squeals and runs away*

Yuuko: What happened to Sammy?

[*BURP* NEXT QUESTION]

James, Lily: Why are we here? We're meant to be dead!

[WELL, I THOUGHT THAT THIS FIC WAS FULL OF TOO MANY PSYCHOPATHS, SO I BROUGHT HARRY'S PARENTS TO BRING OUT HIS MORE NORMAL SIDE! PLUS THE FACT THAT HE'S NEVER MET YOU, SO…]

Lupin: Umm, when is the next full moon?

All: …

[NEVER.FANFICTION AUTHORS ARE VERY POWERFUL, YOU KNOW. I COULD MAKE WORMTAIL, I DUNNO, SAY, BUNGEE JUMP OFF A DAM AND MAKE SURE HE IS ALIVE. *SNAP FINGERS*]

*Wormtail disappears*

Yuuko: Umm, excuse me…don't dams slope as the go down?

[YES. THAT'S THE POINT!]

Harry, Sirius: He, he, he!

*Wormtail comes back looking like he had an argument with a wall*

[OR I COULD MAKE HIM GO PARACHUTING…*SNAPS FINGERS*…WITHOUT A PARACHUTE]

* Wormtail comes back looking like he had an argument with a lorry*

[OR I COULD MAKE HIM VOLUNTEER TO BECOME AN EXTRA PERSON FOR A RECORD BREAKING ATTEMPT AT THE MOST PEOPLE JUMPED OVER BY BIKE…*SNAPS FINGERS*…FOR TWENTY ATTEMPTS.]

* Wormtail comes back looking like he had an argument with a steam-roller*

Wormtail: Ooh, look at all the pretty colours, la la laa la la laa… *Collapses*

All: …

[DON'T WORRY, HE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT I DISLIKE WITH PASSION.]

Voldemort: Wow! I'm going to worship her!

[THANKS, TOM. NOW, I MUST DASH! I PUT THE POTION ON HOLD FOR TODAY TO GET THIS OUT OF THE WAY, BUT IT WILL BE BACK TOMORROW! TOODLOO! OH, AND YUUKO, I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU, ITS ON THE TABLE! BYEEEE! XXXX *Narrator is back to normal self*]

Yuuko: *Squeals with delight as she opens package* WOW! The Harry Potter movie! And a DVD player, a Norbert the Dragon soft toy…and a shiny metal ruler…*Evil laugh*

Natalie: Cool! The movie!

Harry: They have a movie about us?

Yuuko: Yep! The actors are very good, if I do say so, myself!

Sarah: …Ron is attractive…

Steph: *Sigh* Her next victim isn't here, luckily for them.

Sirius: What's a moo-vee?

Harry: Where a director gets people to act out our lives.

Sirius: Oh. 

Yuuko: Should we watch? I mean, the authoress has set up the seats for us…

All: *Shrug* Why not?

[Harry, Yuuko, Draco, Steph, (in that order) sit on one couch together with Lucius (Who recovered, again), Voldemort, Snape and Lupin sat in front of them on sofa chair things. Natalie, James, and Dan sit on one of the small sofas, only just squeezing on (Natalie should be happy). Sirius, James and Lily sit on the third couch. Eggy, Cook, Jordan and James squeeze onto the last couch, with Sarah sat in front of them. Wormtail is still on the floor where he collapsed…ha, ha!]

Harry: Ooh, I like the music!

[Oh, and everyone gets a tub of anything they want.]

All: YAY! *Settle down to watch movie*

~*~~*~~*~

Yuuko/Authoress: Well now, that was…

Lucius: Shit?

Yuuko/Imagination: Shut up! *Smacks him with new ruler*

Natalie: Ha ha!

Yuuko/Authoress: Lucius, I will leave you with an afterthought. I am the authoress; therefore I can make anything happen. You just insulted me. Not a very smart move. *Disappears in a puff of silver smoke*

Lucius: Oh, crap.

Yuuko/Imagination: Ha ha!


	11. Goodbye, friend....

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. 

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. 

This is a bit of a weepy chapter…we say goodbye to a dear friend. Not much humour at all in this chapter…but it needed to be done for the story to move on…thanks.

Goodbye, my friend… 

Yuuko: Hey, People! Narrator says she has something to say to us!

All: *Look up from various activities*

[I don't suppose there is any easy way to say this, but…I'm leaving…]

All: WHAT?

Yuuko: Why?

[Well, I suppose it's time that I moved on…]

Draco: *Sniffle* We'll miss you.

[*Sniffle* Thanks. Guys, it's been great knowing you, and I hope you all get out of here soon! By the way, Sev, your party will be soon, my replacement has promised it!]

Snape: WAAA! Don't go!!

Harry: You've been with us since chapter 2! You can't leave now!

Lucius: No one will ever be able to replace you! You are unique! Don't go!

[*Crying* I have to! Don't make this any harder than it already is!]

Cook: We've only known you for a couple of chapters, but you've been great!

Eggy, Jordan, James B: *Nod in agreement*

James P: You made us feel so welcome!

Lily: *Bury face in James P's Chest*

Lupin: Well, good luck in whatever you do…I'm sure you'll be successful.

[Thanks…Voldemort? What's wrong?]

Voldemort: DON'T GOOOO!! *Wails* Stay, stay, stay, stay!!

James N: He's the only one brave enough to voice how we all feel…

Dan: …yeah…

[Listen, I'll visit as much as is possible, and I'll write to you OK? Here, *Hands him lolly*]

Voldemort: Thank you…so this is goodbye…

[Yeah…]

All: …

Yuuko: Say, why don't you leave your mark. Tell us how you leave, in your own, personal style…

[Thanks, and good luck guys.]

Natalie: Yeah…Same to you!

Steph: Remember to write!

[And so Narrator sets down her mic, turning out the light in her little room for the very last time. Looking back, she gives a small, sad smile, remembering all of the good times, all the fun times…then, lifting her jacket from the back of her chair, she turns to walk into a new chapter in her life. She wonders what the future will hold for her…good times or bad…

A tear slowly tracks down her cheek as she looks back to her friends, the ones she stuck with through this whole ordeal. The friends she laughed with, cried with and lived with… 

Shaking her head, softly, she walks through the doorway, letting the door shut with a small click behind her.

Thanks, guys…]

All: *Silently crying*

Sirius, James P, Lily, Lupin: *All comfort each other*

Yuuko: *Hugs Draco*

Draco: *Sob*

Harry, Steph: *Comfort each other*

Eggy, Cook, James B, Jordan, Sarah: *Look at floor, shaking heads*

Snape, Lucius: *Pat Voldemort on the back*

James N, Dan: *Hug Nat*

Wormtail: *Silently stood in corner*

Yuuko: Thanks, Narrator…

~*~

Yuuko/Authoress: Hey, why all the blue faces?

All: *Silent*

Yuuko/Authoress: Don't worry, she's gonna be really successful. Sky News wants her for Anchor, I believe.

Lupin: That's great…so she's going to be all right?

Yuuko/Authoress: Oh, very much so! She has promised to write and visit as much as possible as well, so don't worry!

Yuuko/Imagination: I suppose if that's what she wants…we should respect her choice…

All: *Nod*

Nat: Yeah…

Yuuko/Authoress: And, because there will be no Narrator capable of ever filling her shoes, I will be replacing her. Except my name will change to Eos, my pen name, just to make things easier.

All: *Nod* … *Thoughts go back to Narrator*

Draco: …know what? I think she was the one who made this whole thing more bearable. She made us friends…

Yuuko: *Smiling* Yeah…I'm actually quite glad I got sent here and met you guys…

Harry: *Grinning* Me too.

Yuuko: How's about we give three cheers for Narrator?

All: Yeah!

Yuuko, Nat: Hip-hip!

All: Hooray! 

Yuuko, Nat: Hip-hip!

All: Hooray!

Yuuko, Nat: Hip-hip!

All: HOORAY!!! *Loud Cheer*

Eos: *Smile*

All:

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(lets celebrate)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(lets celebrate)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(lets celebrate)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(lets celebrate)**

**There's a party goin' on right here**

**A celebration to last throughout the year**

**So bring your good times and your laughter too**

**We're gonna celebrate your party with you**

**Come on now**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(lets celebrate)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(Celebration let's all celebrate and have a good time)**

**It's time to come together it's up to you**

**What's your pleasure**

**Everyone around the world **

**Everyone around the world **

**Everyone around the world come on**

**It's a celebration**

**It's a celebration**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(It's a celebration)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(Lets celebrate)**

**We're gonna have a good time tonight**

**Let's celebrate it's all right**

**We're gonna have a good time tonight**

**Let's celebrate it's all right**

**We're gonna have a good time tonight**

**Let's celebrate it's all right**

**We're gonna have a good time tonight**

**Let's celebrate it's all right**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(It's a celebration)**

**Celebrate good times come on**

**(Woo hooo)**

All: *Continue to party in memory of Narrator*

Eos: *Shaking head* And there we have it, folks! Narrator came to a crossroads in her life, and inevitably made her decision…I'm sure that it will be the right one! Good Luck, Narrator!!


	12. A bit short,but the next one will be lon...

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. 

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. I do not know who these fellas are. My m8 fancies them, or summat. *Shrugs*

**INTERLUDE!!**

[Eos: Readers, I'm afraid this is a really bad time that you join us. Yuuko, Draco, Steph, Harry, Remus and a new girl called Tine have all formed COETT. What is COETT? I hear you ask. COETT, a.k.a., the Circle Of Evil Terrorist Taunters. *Sigh* Great.]

Yuuko: *Who is, along with Draco, the ringleader* You can run, Lucius, but you cannot hide…BWAHAHA!!

Tine: *Confused as to why on earth she is there* Umm, where am I?

Lupin: Great Hall. Hi, I'm Remus Lupin!

Steph: Hey, Harry. Remus seems to get along with that new girl alright.

Harry: Don't go getting any ideas. She's only a bit younger than us!

Steph: Oh.

[Eos: *Glancing around* It seems nearly everyone has branched off into little groups…except Wormtail, but he can just rot away. No one even likes him.]

Sirius: You speak the truth, there.

Wormtail: Hey!

[Eos: *Growling* 'Hey' nothing you slimy little git. You should die for what you did to Harry, James, Lily, Sirius…need I go on?]

Lucius: You, *point at Yuuko* are EVIL! Pure evil!!

Yuuko: *Shrugs* Hey, I'm a Slytherin, what do you expect?

Draco: Cool! You're a Slytherin?

Yuuko: Yep!

Snape: Yess! I might have a friend!!

Draco, Yuuko: Uh, no.

Snape: Aaw.

Tine: *Whispers to Remus, who sniggers* 

Yuuko, Draco: *Walk back to their group*

Tine: *Whispers to them*

Yuuko, Draco: *Laugh*

All: *Look at COETT with fear*

Tine: *Voice of Bloody Baron* PEEVES GET HERE AND DO WHAT I ASKED OF YOU THIS INSTANT!!!

*Peeves suddenly appears and give Lucius and Snape one Hell of a Wedgie! Ha, ha*

All: *Dieing of laughter*

Snape, Lucius: *Looking at Tine*

**This is the song of little Jo**

**she's not the girl I used to know**

**forever screaming all the day and night**

**she used to be a diplomat**

**but now she's down the laundromat**

**they washed her mind **

**and now she finds it hard**

**I know her name **

**but now she never seems the same**

**she don't talk to me**

**'cause she can't take no sympaty **

**because we're highly strung**

**oh highly strung, we're undone**

**highly strung**

**we're stepping out upon the ledge,**

**we've got a gun against her**

**we're wired up to blow**

**the power line**

**we're walking out upon the knife**

**we'll take you to the edge of life**

**just like the song,**

**the pressure is on again**

**I know her name**

**but now she never seems the same**

**she don't talk to me**

**'cause she can't take no sympathy**

**because we're highly strung**

**oh highly strung, she's undone**

**highly strung**

**this is the song of little Jo**

**she's not the girl I used to know**

Tine: I wasn't aware they _did_ know me.

Yuuko: You get used to them after a couple of days.

Lucius: HA! You can't touch dis hot stuff! *Licks finger and does impression of burning himself* TSSS!

Snape: *Still trying to make himself comfortable*

Yuuko: Or, not. Come on, Draco, I'll show you how to beat your father _effectively_.

Lucius: *Runs away when he sees his son and Yuuko advancing on him*

[Eos: Meanwhile, Natalie, James N and Dan are in the corner talking about something. _Boring_! Umm, Sirius, James P and Lily are still laughing at Lucius' performance…and Eggy, Cook, Jordan and James B are still trying to work out how to play mousetrap.]

Yuuko: Oh, by the way, Tine!

Tine: Yep?

Yuuko: Your rulers are on the table!

All in COETT: *Evil snickering can be heard*

[Eos: We will be back right after I sort this charade out…be right back!]

~*~

Voldemort: I didn't get to say anything…

Yuuko: Well, you are now.

Voldemort: Yay!

Tine: *Smacks him on the arse*


	13. The Partay!!

**You've had it all before, but I'll tell you anyway…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Couples:** Hmm…don't know yet…suggestions welcome. 

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! And by the way…even _I_ don't know most of these songs…so don't blame me if they are strange…or crap.

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, to make things even more confusing, I will tell all of you confused people how many James' there are! James Potter *Wild cheer* 

James P: Thanks! *Bows*

James Napier! *Cheers*

James N: Er…thanks…

And James Blackman! *No cheers*

James B: Oh, so touching.

The Party… 

[Eos: Hi there, readers! We're having a great time here! Severus is asleep right now, so we are taking this opportunity to set up his party. We are decorating the Hall in the Slytherin colours and putting snaky things all over the place, so he'll feel right at home.]

Wormtail: *Sidles up to Sarah, whom he blatantly fancies* Can I help?

Sarah: EW!

Yuuko, Draco, Tine, Steph, Harry:

**Young people, the subject of schoolboy fantasy**

**He wants her so badly, knows what he wants to be**

**Inside him there's longing, this boy's an open page**

**Book marking - he's so close now, this boy is twice her age**

Sarah:

**Don't stand so close to me**

**Don't stand so close to me**

Yuuko, Draco, Tine, Steph, Harry:

**He has no friends to be jealous, you know how bad he gets**

**Sometimes it's not so easy to be the teacher's pet**

**Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry**

**Wet bus stop, he's waiting, his car is warm and dry**

Sarah:

**Don't stand so close to me**

Don't stand so close to me 

Yuuko, Draco, Tine, Steph, Harry:

**Loose talk in the classroom, to hurt they try and try**

**Strong words in the staff room, the accusations fly**

**It's no use, he sees her, he starts to shake, he starts to cough**

**Just like the old man in that famous book by Nabakov**

Sarah****

**Don't stand so close to me**

**Don't stand so close to me**

Don't stand so close to me 

**Don't stand so close to me**

[Eos: Riiiight… Hey, Dan Weekes and James Napier are deep in conversation in the corner…while they put decorations up, of course.]

Dan: This is one heck of a long dream.

James: *Drinking milk* Yeah… *Looks up to see Voldemort dancing around in a hula skirt and spurts his milk out* 

Dan, James N:

**When the outside temperature rises  
And the meaning is oh so clear  
One thousand and one yellow daffodils  
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear  
Are they trying to tell you something ?  
You're missing that one final screw  
You're simply not in the pink my dear  
To be honest you haven't got a clue  
I'm going slightly mad  
I'm going slightly mad  
It finally happened - happened  
It finally happened - ooh woh  
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad - oh dear !  
Ha ha ha ha ha  
I'm one card short of a full deck  
I'm not quite the shilling  
One wave short of a shipwreck  
I'm not my usual top billing  
I'm coming down with a fever  
I'm really out to sea  
This kettle is boiling over  
I think I'm a banana tree  
Oh dear  
I'm going slightly mad  
I'm going slightly mad (I'm going slightly mad)  
It finally happened - happened  
It finally happened - uh huh  
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad - oh dear !  
Uh uh ah ah  
Uh uh ah ah  
I'm knitting with only one needle  
Unravelling fast it's true  
I'm driving only three wheels these days  
But my dear, how about you ?  
I'm going slightly mad  
I'm going slightly mad  
It finally happened  
It finally happened - oh yes  
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad !  
Just very slightly mad !  
And there you have it !  
**Dan: Dear God! Where did that come from?

Natalie: *Waves hand* Oh, don't worry, it happens.

Harry, Draco, Steph, Yuuko: Shit happens! *Fall about laughing*

All: What?

Harry: Muggle thing.

Lucius: Son! I am ashamed! My own son getting involved with muggle activities!

Yuuko: Right, COETT MEETING!!

Lucius: EEK! I take it back it's wonderful!!  Please, no, no, no!

[Eos: And as a random event, Wormtail is on his knees before Sarah…]

Wormtail:

**I wanna be a star, star, star  
Gonna have my name up in lights  
I wanna be a star, star, star  
I'm gonna blaze across the sky like a meteorite**

**My fans will all adore me  
Every time I dance or sing my songs  
I'll ride in a big fancy car  
I'll take all my friends along, yeah**

**I wanna be a star, star, star  
Gonna be the best in the world  
I wanna be a star, star, star  
I'm gonna be the absolutely most famous teenage girl!**

Sarah: EW! Get away from me, creep!

Yuuko: *To Draco* 'Famous teenage girl'?

Sarah: 

**Yes, it's me again**

**And I'm back, ah-ha, ooh**

**(Creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah, yeah**

**(Creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah ah, yeah**

**(Creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah ah, yeah**

**(Creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah ah, yeah**

**(Creep) the twenty second of loneliness**

**And we've been through so many things**

**(Cr-cr-creep) I love my man with all honesty**

**But I know he's cheatin' on me**

**(Creep) I look him in his eyes**

**But all he tells me is lies to keep me near**

**I'll never leave him down though I might mess around**

**It's only 'cause I need some affection, oh**

**So I creep, yeah, just keep it on the down low**

**Said nobody is supposed to know**

**So I creep, yeah, 'cause he doesn't know what I do**

**And no attention goes to show, oh, so I creep**

**The twenty third of loneliness**

**And we don't talk like we used to do**

**Now it seems pretty strange but I'm not buggin'**

**'Cause I still feel the same, yeah yeah**

**I keep giving loving till the day he pushes me away**

**Never go astray**

**If he knew the things I did he couldn't handle it**

**And I choose to keep him protected, oh**

**So I creep, yeah, just keep it on the down low**

**Said nobody is supposed to know**

**So I creep, yeah, 'cause he doesn't know what I do**

**And no attention goes to show, oh**

**(Oh, so I creep, yeah) I think about us baby**

**(Just keep it on the down low) all the time**

**(Said nobody is supposed) but you know that I'm gonna need some attention**

**(To know) yeah, yeah, can you dig it**

**(So I creep, yeah) love you forever baby**

**('Cause he doesn't know what I) soul and mind**

**(And no attention) and you gotta know it**

**(Goes to show) if you don't give it I'ma get mine, yeah yeah**

**(Oh, so I creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah, baby**

**(So I creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah ah, yeah**

**(So I creep) oh ah oh ah oh ah, baby**

**Oh ah oh ah oh ah ah, yeah (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)**

**(So I creep, yeah) I creep around**

**(Just keep it on the down low) because I need attention**

**Don't mess around with my affection, yeah**

**(So I creep, yeah) I creep around**

**('Cause he doesn't know what I do) because I need attention**

**Don't mess around with my affection, yeah**

**(So I creep, yeah) oh ah oh ah**

**(Just keep it on the down low) oh ah ah, yeah**

**Oh ah oh ah oh ah ah**

**(So I creep, yeah) oh ah oh ah**

**('Cause he doesn't know what I do) oh ah ah, yeah**

**Oh ah oh ah oh ah**

**(So I creep, yeah, just keep it on the down low) baby**

**(Said nobody is supposed to know)**

Yuuko: You know, I don't quite think she understands the meaning of that song…

Steph: Hell, this is Sarah. Of course she doesn't.

Tine: What's with this bimbo anyway?

[Eos: *Shrugs* Just to torture you.]

Yuuko: Gee, touching.]

Cook: AAARRGH!!

Cook:

**I want to break free  
I want to break free  
I want to break free from your lies  
You're so self satisfied I don't need you  
I've got to break free  
God knows, God knows I want to break free  
I've fallen in love  
I've fallen in love for the first time  
And this time I know it's for real  
I've fallen in love, yeah  
God knows, God knows I've fallen in love  
It's strange but it's true  
Hey, I can't get over the way you love me like you do  
But I have to be sure  
When I walk out that door  
Oh how I want to be free, baby  
Oh how I want to be free  
Oh how I want to break free  
But life still goes on  
I can't get used to living without, living without  
Living without you by my side  
I don't want to live alone, hey  
God knows, got to make it on my own  
So baby can't you see  
I've got to break free  
I've got to break free  
I want to break free, yeah  
I want, I want, I want, I want to break free  
Ooh yeah  
I want to break - yeah eah**

Jordan: Cook-stop singing Freddie Jupiter songs.

Cook: It's Mercury. Freddie MERCURY! M-E-R-C-U-R-Y!

Yuuko, Tine, Steph, Harry, Draco: M-O-U-S-E!!

Lupin: Umm, doesn't it only work when there are six letters in the first word?

Yuuko, Tine, Steph, Harry, Draco: Oh, yeah.

Jordan: Ha, ha!

Tine: *Smacks him with ruler*

Jordan: No fair! Where's my ruler?

[Eos: Confiscated. You are not an official COETT Group Member.]

James P: Ever alert, Lupin, as always. He also sees quite a bit you know…

James P, Lily, Sirius:

**Risin' up, back on the street**

**Did my time, took my chances**

**Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet**

**Just a man and his will to survive**

**So many times it happens too fast**

**You change your passion for glory**

**Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past**

**You must fight just to keep them alive**

**It's the eye of the werewolf, it's the cream of the fight**

**Risin' up to the challenge of our rival**

**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night**

**And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the werewolf**

**Face to face, out in the heat**

**Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry**

**They stack the odds till we take to the street**

**For we kill with the skill to survive**

**It's the eye of the werewolf, it's the cream of the fight**

**Risin' up to the challenge of our rival**

**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night**

**And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the werewolf**

**Risin' up, straight to the top**

**Have the guts, got the glory**

**Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop**

**Just a man and his will to survive**

**It's the eye of the werewolf, it's the cream of the fight**

**Risin' up to the challenge of our rival**

**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night**

**And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the werewolf**

**The eye of the werewolf**

**The eye of the werewolf**

**The eye of the werewolf**

The eye of the werewolf 

Lupin: *Blushing* Oh stop it, you're embarrassing me!

Tine: *Nudging him* He, he. Most female reviewers love you, I bet! Eh? Eh? 

Lupin: *Blush even more*

Tine: Aaw, how sweet! 

Yuuko: *Sigh* I remember in the summertime in Singapore, we used to go to the Zoo and stuff. It was great! *Sigh* Now I'm stuck _here!_ No offence, or anything.

Marauders (including Wormtail, because he has to do something or he will rot away, leaving an awful mess):

**It's a summertime affair**

**Shaggy ha! Ravyon**

**Sun and fun in the atmosphere oh yes**

**In the summertime when**

**the weather is high**

**You can stretch right up, and touch the sky**

**When the weather is fine you've got women**

**You've got women on your mind**

**I'm gonna drive and ride and see now what I can find**

**Now if her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal**

**and if her daddy's poor, then do as you feel**

**Speedin down the lane even thought the speed limit's 25**

**And when the sun goes down I'll make it with my cutie pie**

**Weh me say**

**Pretty little women sexy as can be**

**Sweet as a honey sting like bumble bee**

**Shaggy say**

**Pretty little women sexy as can be**

**Sweet as honey sting like bumble bee**

**It's a summertime affair in the atmosphere**

**I man love off her attire**

**and the clothes she wear**

**Some burn off them with tyre**

**and a draw down a gear**

**Some a shine up wax up**

**not a sign of snare**

**Got to be rolling in my**

**Christas so the girl them stare**

**This is Shaggy and Rayvon**

**as your ultimate pair**

**Taking care of our career**

**so tell the world beware**

**'cos it's a brand new**

**selection for your musical ear**

**We say what we want and**

**we say what we need**

**and we love everybody**

**and we do as we please**

**and when the weather is fine,**

**we go fishin' we go fishin' in the sea**

**We are happy to live life**

**that's our philosophy**

**Now if her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal**

**and if her daddy's poor, then do as you feel**

**Speedin down the lane even thought the speed limit's 25**

**And when the sun goes down I'll make it with my cutie pie**

**Sweat a run off her body**

**with her caramel skin**

**I man smiled at her she**

**looked at me and grinned**

**I offered her a drink she said**

**Juice and Gin**

**And I whispered in her ear**

**I asked how you doin**

**Where was it that I reside**

**and I told her Brooklyn**

**Atmosphere filled with romance**

**her eyes sparkling**

**Just her voice and what**

**she said let my poor head spin**

**Raggamuffin Shaggy with a musical swing**

**I say**

**Pretty little woman sexy as can be**

**Sweet as a honey sting like bumble bee**

**In the summertime when the weather is high**

**You can stretch right up and touch the sky**

**When the weather is fine**

**You've got women**

**You've got women on your mind**

**I'm gonna drive and ride**

**and see what I can find**

**Now if her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal**

**and if her daddy's poor, then do as you feel**

**Speedin down the lane even thought the speed limit's 25**

**And when the sun goes down I'll make it with my cutie pie**

**Pretty little women sexy as can be**

**Sweet as a honey sting like bumble bee**

**Pretty little women sexy as can be**

**Sweet as honey sting like bumble bee**

**It's a summertime affair in the atmosphere**

**I man love off her attire**

**and the clothes she wear**

**Some burn off them with tyre**

**and a draw down a gear**

**Some a shine up wax up**

**not a sign of snare**

**Got to be rolling in my**

**Christas so the girl them stare**

**This is Shaggy and Rayvon**

**as your ultimate pair**

**Taking care of our career**

**so tell the world beware**

**'cos it's a brand new**

**selection for your musical ear**

**In the summertime**

**In the summertime**

**(To fade)**

Yuuko: …where did that come from?

James Potter: …dunno…

Sirius: …gonna go and die in the corner now.

Lupin: I think I'll join you…

Yuuko: Don't worry, we have all made arses of ourselves. I mean, just look at Voldemort.

*They do*

All: EEK!!!

Voldemort: *Dancing some sort of tribal ritual in a hula skirt and Coconut bra…eeew *Shudder**

[Eos: And now, as a random event and for my sick pleasure, Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort will sing together…]

Lucius, Voldemort:

**Hi Voldy**

**Hi Luc.**

**Do you wanna go for a ride?**

**Sure Luc**

**Jump In...**

**I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world**

**Life in plastic (credit), it´s fantastic.**

**you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.**

**Imagination, that is your creation.**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world**

**Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.**

**you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.**

**Imagination, that is your creation**

**I´m a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world,**

**Dress me up, make it tight, I´m your darling.**

**You are my doll, rock´n´roll, feel the glamouring thing,**

**kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky.**

**You can touch, you can play, if you say "I´m always**

**yours"**

**uu-oohuh..**

**I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world**

**Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.**

**you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.**

**Imagination, that is your creation**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please,**

**I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees.**

**Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again,**

**hit the town, fool around, let´s go party**

**You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always**

**yours"**

**You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I´m always**

**yours"**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world**

**Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.**

**you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.**

**Imagination, that is your creation **

**I´m a barbie girl, in a barbie world**

**Life in plastic, it´s fantastic.**

**you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.**

**Imagination, that is your creation**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Come on Voldy, let´s go party!**

**Oh, I´m having so much fun!**

**Well Voldy, we just getting started.**

**Oh, I love you Luc.**

All: *Shudder* Eeew…

Yuuko: *Smack them both over the head with rulers* Hey wake up!

Lucius: NO! We don't have to do what you tell us to!!

Steph: She has the ruler therefore she has the power.

Tine, Remus:

**A crash of thunder  
A brilliant flash of light  
A battle has begun  
And only one will win the fight**

**Danger in the air  
Destroying everything in sight  
The time has come to right the wrong  
With Prism Power might!**

**She's got the power  
Oh, she's got the power  
She's got the power  
Yeah, she's got the power**

**A desperate struggle  
The strongest takes it all  
The battle rages on  
Until the weakest finally fall**

**A vision fills her heart  
And gives her strength that's pure and true  
And when it seems that all is lost  
She knows what she must do**

She's got the power  
Oh, she's got the power  
She's got the power  
Yeah, she's got the power

Yuuko: Umm, can I use my wand to shut them up?

Draco, Harry, Steph:

**Though I've tried before to tell her**

**Of the feelings I have for her in my heart**

**Every time that I come near her**

**I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start**

**Every little thing she does is magic**

**Everything she do just turns me on**

**Even though my life before was tragic**

**Now I know my love for her goes on**

**Do I have to tell the story**

**Of a thousand rainy days since we first met**

**It's a big enough umbrella**

**But it's always me that ends up getting wet**

**Every little thing she does is magic**

**Everything she do just turns me on**

**Even though my life before was tragic**

**Now I know my love for her goes on**

**I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day**

**And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way**

**But my silent fears have gripped me**

**Long before I reach the phone**

**Long before my tongue has tripped me**

**Must I always be alone?**

**Every little thing she does is magic**

**Everything she do just turns me on**

**Even though my life before was tragic**

**Now I know my love for her goes on**

**Every little thing she does is magic**

**Everything she do just turns me on**

**Even though my life before was tragic**

**Now I know my love for her goes on**

**Every little thing**

**Every little thing**

**Every little thing**

**Every little thing**

**Every little**

**Every little**

**Every little**

**Every little thing she does**

**Every little thing she does**

**Every little thing she does**

**Every little thing she does**

**Thing she does is magic**

**Eee oh oh...**

**Every little thing**

**Every little thing**

**Every little thing she does is magic magic magic**

**Magic magic magic**

**Do I have to tell the story**

**Of a thousand rainy days since we first met**

**It's a big enough umbrella**

**But it's always me that ends up getting wet**

Yuuko: …never mind…I think I'll join Sirius and die…

Cook: Please do! OW! OW! Stop that!

Natalie: *Smacking him with ruler* Nope. Too much fun!

Cook: NO! My hair! My beautiful hair!! EEK!

Jordan, Eggy, James B;

**I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too**

**I was told I was beautiful but what does that mean to you**

**Look into the mirror, who's inside there, the one with the long hair**

**Same old me again today, yeah**

**My outsides look cool, my insides are blue**

**Every time I think I'm through it's because of you**

**I try different ways but it's all the same**

**At the end of the day I have myself to blame, I'm just trippin'**

**You can buy your hair if it won't grow, you can fix your nose if he says so**

**You can buy all the make-up that MAC can make**

**But if you can't look inside you, find out who am I too**

**Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty**

**Yeah, I'll make you feel unpretty too**

**Never insecure until I met you, now I'm being stupid**

**I used to be so cute to me, just a little bit skinny**

**Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy**

**Maybe get rid of you and then I'll get back to me, hey**

**My outsides look cool, my insides are blue**

**Every time I think I'm through it's because of you**

**I try different ways but it's all the same**

**At the end of the day I have myself to blame, can't believe I'm trippin', yeah**

**You can buy your hair if it won't grow, you can fix your nose if he says so**

**You can buy all the make-up that MAC can make**

**But if you can't look inside you, find out who am I too**

**Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty**

**You can buy your hair if it won't grow, you can fix your nose if he says so**

**You can buy all the make-up that MAC can make**

**But if you can't look inside you, find out who am I too**

**Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty**

**And make you feel unpretty too**

**And make you feel unpretty**

**Oh oh-oh, oh oh oh**

**Oh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh oh**

**Oh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh**

**Oh oh-oh, oh oh oh-oh oh**

**You can buy your hair if it won't grow, you can fix your nose if he says so**

**You can buy all the make-up that MAC can make**

**But if you can't look inside you, find out who am I too**

**Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty**

**(You can buy your hair if it won't grow) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha**

**(You can buy all the make-up that MAC can make)**

**(But if you can't look inside you)**

**(Be in a position to make me feel so)**

**(You can buy your hair if it won't grow)**

Cook: Gee, thanks.

Jordan: You're welcome!

[Eos: OOH! Everyone! Severus is waking up! Hide! Turn the lights off!]

Severus: Huh? Where is every-

All: SURPRISE!!!

Severus: *Shocked gasp* You, you did all this for me?

Yuuko: Sure did! Hey, hey! Why you crying?

Lucius: Oh, for goodness' sakes! You don't have to I _cry_!

Severus: 

**Noboby knew when my birthday would be  
But nobody cared all the same  
Why is even Potter here**

**When he supposed to hate me!  
It's my party   
And I cry if I want to  
Cry if I want to   
Cry if I want to  
You would cry too  
If it happened to you  
Play on my records keep dancing all night  
And leave me out for a while  
Till someone's dancing with me  
I had no reason to smile  
It's my party   
And I cry if I want to  
Cry if I want to   
Cry if I want to  
You would cry too  
If it happened to you  
Nobody knows where my sanity has gone  
But my heart left the same time  
So I cry if I want to  
Cry I want to  
Cry if I want to  
Noboby knew when my birthday would be  
But nobody cared all the same  
Why is even Potter here**

**When he supposed to hate me!  
It's my party   
And I cry if I want to  
Cry if I want to   
Cry if I want to  
You would cry too  
If it happened to you **

**It's my party   
And I cry if I want to  
Cry if I want to   
Cry if I want to  
You would cry too  
If it happened to you**

All: Aaw! How sweet!

[Eos: Guess what my present from me to you is?]

Severus: What?

[HII! I'M BACK!!]

All: NARRATOR!!

[Yep, it's me! I was just miserable after I left, so I jumped at the chance when Eos asked me to come back!]

[Eos: Yeah, all of the reviewers hate me, for some reason. Wormtail, you had better not have sent death threats to anyone!!! Oh, and by the way, COETT will now be COELTT.]

All in COETT: Huh?

[Eos: *Evil laugh* Circle Of Evil Lycanthropic Terrorist Taunters! MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!]

Tine, Steph, Draco, Harry: Lycanthropic?

Yuuko, Lupin: *Sigh* Fancy name for being a werewolf.

Tine: …

Steph: Cool.

Lupin: You think so?

Yuuko: Hell yeah! We can bite people! *Look at everyone, with evil glint in eyes*

Lupin: You don't mind?

Draco, Harry: Nope.

Yuuko: You are not alone anymore!!

All:

Another day has gone  
I'm still all alone  
How could this be  
You're not here with me  
You never said goodbye  
Someone tell me why  
Did you have to go  
And leave my world so cold  
Everyday I sit and ask myself  
How did love slip away  
Something whispers in my ear and says  
That you are not alone  
For I am here with you  
Though you're far away  
I am here to stay  
You are not alone  
I am here with you  
Though we're far apart  
You're always in my heart  
You are not alone  
All alone  
Why, oh  
Just the other night  
I thought I heard you cry  
Asking me to come  
And hold you in my arms  
I can hear your prayers  
Your burdens I will bear  
But first I need your hand  
So forever can begin  
Everyday I sit and ask myself  
How did love slip away  
Then something whispers in my ear and says  
That you are not alone  
For I am here with you  
Though you're far away  
I am here to stay  
For you are not alone  
I am here with you  
Though we're far apart  
You're always in my heart  
And you are not alone  
Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'  
And girl you know that I'll be there  
I'll be there  
You are not alone  
I am here with you  
Though you're far away  
I am here to stay  
You are not alone  
I am here with you  
Though we're far apart  
You're always in my heart  
You are not alone  
For I am here with you  
Though you're far away  
I am here to stay  
For you are not alone  
For I am here with you  
Though we're far apart  
You're always in my heart  
For you are not alone

[And with that, we leave everyone to continue their PARTAY! Have fun, folks, and remember, do not take ANYTHING for granted!!]

~*~~*~~*~

Yuuko/Authoress: By the way, I need honest opinions for TWO things. One, would anyone (Please tell me in the reviews) be interested in buying a copy of the new best-selling book; Lucius Malfoy, the Saucy Scandals, (RRP £9.99, a BARGAIN!!) written with actual photos included?

Lucius: NO!

All: Well…

Yuuko/imagination: Yes. Good blackmail material.

Yuuko/authoress: And two, I need to let you know that there will, in the near future, be a 'BABES OF HOGWARTS' competition. Certain people will be auditioning and you, the reviewer NEED to vote, or Wormtail shall, as form of threat, automatically win.

All: PLEASE VOTE!! YOU HAVE TO VOTE! PLEASE, PLEASE REMEMBER!!

Yuuko/Authoress: The competitors for this contest…

MALE

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

Ronald Weasley

George and Fred Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Bill Weasley

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Peter (ICK!) Pettigrew

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Severus Snape

Lucius Malfoy

And lastly, Guilderoy Lockhart

FEMALES

Hermione Granger

Lily Potter

Sarah Abbey

Ginny Weasley

Narcissa Malfoy

Pansy Parkinson

Minerva McGonagall

And Kylie Minogue.

All: Kylie Minogue??

Yuuko/authoress: Yep, she graduated from Hogwarts too, ya know!

Draco: My own mother and Father…*Sob*

[Never mind, Draco…at least you have 'The Book'.]

Draco: *Sniff* Yeah, I do…

Lucius: Oh, joy.


	14. The Beginning Of BABES OF HOGWARTS!!

**Again, and again…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, I do not know who these people are, so please don't ask…

By the way, Spangle Star, I am a teensy bit of a fan but Cook likes Queen and I thought he could sing Queen songs. 

**BABES OF HOGWARTS!**

[Well, readers, the time has come to announce the opening of the BABES OF HOGWARTS competition!! *Strange opening music by Cook, Jordan, James B and Eggy, which sounds a bit like Daphne and Celeste…* Erm, thanks guys, I think…]

Eos *Who is just a voice from above*: Judges will be Yuuko, Tine, Steph, Dan, James N and Natalie! The female competitors have been banished for the day, and hae gone shopping in Newcastle.

Yuuko: You sent them to NEWCASTLE?

Eos: Um…yeah…

Steph, Nat: They will be eaten alive…

Eos: Oh dear… Right, I'll give you the competitors for the male competition first! Drum roll please…

MALE

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

Ronald Weasley

George and Fred Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Bill Weasley

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Peter (ICK!) Pettigrew

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Severus Snape

Lucius Malfoy

And Guilderoy Lockhart

Oh, and a last minute entry…Percy Weasley!

Oliver: Erm…What are we doing here?

Bill: We-hey! It's Hogwarts!!

Charlie: …I don't think I want to know.

[No, you don't, but I'll tell you anyway. I am a narrator for a fanfic. The author of this fanfic has brought you all together because there will be a BABES OF HOGWARTS competition, and ALL of you are entered.]

All: …

Lucius: What are the Weasleys doing here, then? *Smacked over head by Yuuko* OW! Quit it!

Eos: Right! It is up to the judges what activities you will participate in. And I will, no doubt, approve of my other half's evilness.

Bill: Other half?

[Literally. The disembodied voice is the authoress side of Yuuko and Yuuko here is the imagination. Stick them together and you get a full Yuuko!]

Weasleys: Oh, right…

Lucius: So, all she is is a psychopathic Fanfiction author with no ambition. Go figure.

Draco: Hey! *Smacks Lucius over the head with ruler*

Harry: Right. I'm in this too, then?

Eos: Did I read your name out?

Harry: *Thinks* No.

Eos: Nice try, buddy.

Harry: Oh, well.

[So, have you decided what the first stage of the competition is?]

Yuuko: *Sniggering* Oh, yes.

All: …should we be afraid?

Steph: *Sighing* Only ones that we don't like.

Snape, Lucius, Voldemort, Wormtail, Lockhart: Oh, shit.

Yuuko: We have decided, unanimously, that the first stage of this –ahem- prestigious competition shall be…the catwalk. Yes, folks. We need to know if you would look good in a chicken suit, or a garbage can. Of course, the people we do like will be allowed to wear designer gear, and they would be the Weasleys, Draco, Harry and all of the marauders except Wormtail. He he he…need I mention that _we_ will be the ones to choose your clothing?

Tine: Well, I knew this would be fun some day…*evil snickers*

Harry: EEK! EVIL CHOCOLATE BAR!!

All: …

Harry: …um…muggle thing?

Yuuko: No muggle in their right mind would……oh, yeah, _right_ mind. Never mind, then.

Steph, Harry: HEY!!

Tine: I'm lost.

Snape: *Back to old self* Well, aren't we _all_?

Lupin: Severus! You are back to your old self!!

Snape: Huh? *Nearly falls over when Lupin hugs him* EEP!

Sirius: Don't touch him, Remus! You don't know where he's been!

Lucius: I do!

Snape: Shut up, Lucius!

Remus: Sirius, will you give him a break!

Sirius: A break? I'll _give_ him a _break_ in a minute!

James P: Sirius calm down!

Lucius: Yeah, _Sirius_, do what Pottykins tells you!

James P: …………….

Snape: Right, Black, you are going _down_ man!!

Sirius: Oh, yeah? You goin down wid me den!

Lupin: …oh shite.

James P: *Attacks Lucius*

Yuuko: *Looks at other judges, amused*

Bill: …Of course, no hard feelings when I win.

Charlie: _'when'_ you win? Don't you mean _'if'_ you win?

Bill: Every woman loves the rugged look, right?

George: We are so gonna win!

Percy: Ahem, women, I believe, like the career-wise type.

Fred: Shut up, Perc!

Percy: No, I will not! I have more chance of winning than any of you!

Ron: No you flippin' well do not!

Percy: Do so!

Ron: DO not!

Charlie: Even Longbottom has more chance of winning than _you_ Percy!

Neville: Hey! That's nasty!!

Charlie: Oh, shut up!

Harry: Now, Charlie, there's no need for that!

Oliver: I can take you on any day, country-boy!

Charlie: Country-boy?! That's it! You DIE!!

Oliver: *Dives at Charlie and both roll along floor*

Harry: …

Draco: …I'm going to go talk to some normal people… *Walks over to judges*

Harry: …wait for me…

Neville: Don't leeeaave meeeeeeeeee! HACK! *Strangled by Ron, whom he punches* 

Ron: Ow!

Wormtail: Of course, you will win, my Lord!

Tom Riddle (somehow gone back to being about 20): Lord? What the hell you on about?

Wormtail: *Gasp* My Lord, what have they done to you?!

Tom: Yeah, what ever…oh, hang on, I feel an evil streak coming along.

Yuuko: *To other judges and Harry and Draco* Streak? Cover your eyes, kids…

Tom: Not that streak!

All: *Sigh of relief then get back to ripping each other to bits*

Lockhart: *Snoring in corner*

Sirius: And it's Sirius, not serious! S-I-R-I-U-S!

Yuuko, Steph, Nat, Harry, Draco: M-O-U-S-E!!

Lupin: Very good, you can all count now, then?

Yuuko: Be very careful what you say, Remus, darling.

Lupin: *Shrinks* Sorry.

~*~

[Lots of fighting, screaming and shouting of obscene remarks later, the Authoress has finally put them all in straightjackets. Well, except the judges and Harry and Draco.]

Tom: I was acting NORMAL!! *Cynical looks* Well, far closer to normal than these freaks!!

Yuuko: Lucius, is that your impression of a worm?

Snape: *Realises that Lucius is closer than he should be, and screams*

Yuuko: *Sighs and drags Lucius to far corner of hall*

Charlie: I'm still gonna win.

Bill: You _so_ are not!!

Ron, Percy, twins: Shut up!

Yuuko: ALL of you shut up!

Steph: *Sigh* The next chapter, and you lot will definitely be doing the catwalk, OK?

Lucius: No, not really.

Eos: Tough.


	15. THE CATWALK!! Hooray?

**Again, and again…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sammy, Eos, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, Tom and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah. James Napier go byebye. Tine, Sammy, Steph, and Nat helped with the costumes.

BABES OF HOGWARTS…THE CATWALK 

SPAWN OF THE DEVIL: Second day of the BABES OF HOGWARTS competition and its neck and neck with…no votes each! Narrator, you can commentate.

Yuuko: What happened to your name.

SOTD: *Shrug* Seemed more appropriate.

[I'm going to have to commentate? Ho hum. I suppose I will need counselling after this experience?]

SOTD: Oh, most certainly, but let me introduce you to all of our judges, ok? Firstly, there's Yuuko. Then there is Steph, Natalie, Dan, Tine and Sammy.

Judges: Hi.

SOTD: Sammy is a faithful reviewer, and I thought she deserved to be here. Oh, by the way, you Weasley boys should watch out, she has a thing for Gingers, right Sammy?

Sammy: *Grins and nods. Wink seductively at Weasleys, who blush*

Snape: *Head snaps up* Sammy? *Runs slo-mo towards Sammy*

Sammy: *Sees him coming and steps back, leaving her foot out to trip him up*

Snape: Yowchies! 

All: …

Yuuko: 'Yowchies'? 

Snape: …erm…ow…?

[Err, anyway, moving _swiftly_ on, there have been even _more_ additions to the late entry list. So, for the VERY LAST TIME here are the names of the competitors;

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

Ronald Weasley

George and Fred Weasley

Percy Weasley

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Arthur Weasley

James Potter

Peter (ICK) Pettigrew

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Severus Snape

Lucius Malfoy

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

Guilderoy Lockhart 

Cook, Eggy, Jordan and Tom (as a collective…Tom replacing James B)

And Sarah Abbey…]

All: ?

Natalie: What is Sarah doing in a MALE babe competition?

Cook: *shrugging* Speaks for itself, I think.

Jordan: *Smack Cook with Ruler*

Cook: Quit it! That really isn't funny anymore!

All: Oooooh! Moooodyyyy!

Yuuko: *At computer printing something out* Steph, who entered Cook and co?

Steph: *Shrugging* Dunno. Don't look at me.

Nat: I thought it would be a bit amusing to enter them. We choose their costumes remember?

Yuuko: *Evil glimmer in eye* I know… he, he, he…

Lucius: Stop trying to sound like a human being! You mud-blood!!

All: *Shocked gasp as all look at Yuuko*

Yuuko: Ha. Now…how do I set my laser printer to 'stun'?

Lucius: *Not familiar with muggle objects* EEK! *Runs*

Steph: Ha, ha, you freak!

Harry: *Snorts*

Steph: OH NO!! SOMEONE HELP! HARRY IS TURNING INTO A PIG!!

All: …riiiight…

[Erm… Ok, then… Anyway, the hall has been split into two areas; the catwalk, and the changing rooms. If you could all go to your designated changing room, you will find your costumes. See you in 20 minutes!]

~*~~*~~*~

OPENING MUSIC (by Sparxxx):

[Timbaland]

Uhh.. uh-oh, uh-oh

Tch-tchka-tchka-tchka-tchka uhh

Uh-oh, uh-oh

Tchka-tchka uhh

Uh-oh, uh-oh

Say what, say what? Freaky freaky uhh

Tchka-tchka-tchka-tchka Bubba

[Bubba Sparxxx]

Shit I ain't choose to rhyme; rhymin chose me

So I hit the track runnin - like a nosebleed

Life ain't great now, but it's much improved

Yo' album droppin this summer? That sucks for you

Cause this is Bubba's moment - I put my mother on it

I said my momma; it seems as if I love her don't it?

So buckle up, cause it's gon' get bumpy

I call my girlfriends Betty's, and my shits grumpies

That Bubba talk - gotcha open wide

I giggle outside the booth; but ain't no joke inside

This is complicated - at least to y'all it is

Just let me sell fifty million, then I'll call it quits

But until that day, y'all in deep doo doo

I never once saw you crank it cause I just leap through you

What you need to do, is just admit you love me

The South has always been Dirty but now it's gettin ugly

Uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy, uglyyy, uglyyy

In here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here - uh-ohh!

[Bubba Sparxxx]

Though I am country, don't get the wrong idea

My ego's gettin bigger, with every song I hear

Cause y'all been bullshittin, spittin that booty chatter

Out here for two days and came with somethin that truly matters

On goes the saga - of Bubba's plight

She won't see tomorrah, if I don't cut tonight

That's just my mood now; I hate it came to this

How else can I say it I don't speak no other languages

I'm fairly ripped now, so this the jimmy talkin

You hear that beat don'tcha? That's just Timmy talkin

Go 'head throw dem bows - fuck it, break a bottle

Let's be honest none of us will ever date a model

So let's just cut it loose, ignore the repercussions

If you scared, then just forget what we discussin

This that new South - take a picture of me

Cause I'm a fuckin legend, and this is gettin ugly

Uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy, uglyyy, uglyyy

In here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here - uh-ohh!

[Bubba Sparxxx]

Now this thang is jumpin - ain't it somethin?

What makes it special, this whole moment came from nothin

Now you see it triples; I bet she slurp tonight

Lames hide your wallets hatin broads clutch your purses tight

If you ain't tryin to live, you with the wrong crowd

And if you feelin brave then better sport that thong proud

And if you finally breathin, then sing this song loud

I'm glad I got you wet I know you had a long drought

Don't worry about the law - they can't arrest us all

I had to crank couldn'ta done nothin less for y'all

Forget your inhibitions; I wanna see you whylin

And if Bubba dies tonight - know he was smilin

Uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy, uglyyy, uglyyy

In here! Huh, in here!

It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!

Huh, in here! Huh, in here - uh-ohh!

[Timbaland]

Ha ha, it's gon' get (uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!)

Thck-thck (Huh, in here! Huh, in here!)

It's gon' get (uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!)

(Huh, in here! Huh, in here!)

It's gon' get (uglyyyyyyyyyy) say what?

(Uglyyy, uglyyy) Say what? (Uglyyy!) In here! Huh, in here!

(It's gon' get uglyyyyyyyyyy - in here!)

(Huh, in here! Huh, in here - uh-ohh!)

Thcka-thcka-thcka-thcka-thcka check switch uhh

{*"Get Ur Freak On" beat*} Switch it one time

 {*Bubba's "Ugly" beat*} Now switch it back baby

{*"Get Ur Freak On" beat*} Switch it one time

 {*Bubba's "Ugly" beat*} Now switch it back baby

"Holla!!  Ain't no stoppin me" - Missy

"Copywritten so" (so what?) "don't copy me"

 {*Bubba's "Ugly" beat*} I want you to..

"Holla!!  Ain't no stoppin me" - Missy

"Copywritten so, don't copy me"

C'mon Bubba, let's go

[Erm…thank you, Sparxxx, for that terribly accurate song…anyway, on with the competition…it's time, ladies and gentlemen, for THE CATWALK!!]

{Music from Top Of The Pops actually by Led Zeppelin}

[And first up…Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy! Sporting their Quidditch team strips. Harry looks very extravagant in the new Gryffindor Strip; Gold robes and red trousers, robes pulled together at the front with a white string. Draco looks positively sexy in the new Slytherin uniform which comprises of Black trousers and Green robes, trimmed with silver, also tied at the front with white string.]

Harry, Draco: *Walk down the stage, hand on hip, twirl, face judges, twirl, walk back down stage and off the walkway*

Yuuko: Wow, great start to the show!

Sammy: *sigh* Things can only get worse…

[Next, the Marauders! The casual, but hot look from Sirius Black, who wears a set of dungarees, top rolled down to his waist, under which he wears a blue checked shirt with the top few buttons opened.]

Sirius: *Mosey down walkway, twirl, stand with legs slightly parted, turn, walk away*

Sammy: *Drool*

[The bad-boy image is still very sexy indeed, as proved be Remus Lupin, who wears baggy jeans with 'SPAWN OF THE DEVIL' printed on the bum. This is coupled with a shirt, completely unbuttoned, and a leather jacket with 'SCREAM IF U LUV N.Y.' printed on the back.]

Remus: *Stroll down walkway, hands in jacket pockets, stop at end, wink at judges, twirl, turn, walk back down*

Nat: Now THAT was sexy…

Dan: Hey!

Sammy, Steph, Yuuko: *Still drooling*

[James Potter proves that smart is not always boring…he wears a traditional suit, black jacket and trousers, white shirt, and black shoes. But the jacket is trimmed in the Gryffindor colours, and swings a gold cane as he walks.]

James: *Saunters down walkway, stands at attention, twirl, lift hat to judges, turn, walk away*

Sammy: Rowr…

Yuuko: Ditto.

Steph: *Still recovering from Lupin*

[Last, and definitely least of the Marauders is Peter Pettigrew, who… *chokes on words and snorts with laughter* …who is wearing a-a, a pink leotard, and a fluffy pink choker…with, with pink bunny slippers… *Bursts out laughing*]

Wormtail: *Looks very pissed off, stomps down walkway, sticks tongue out at readers, turns and gives a 'V' to judges, stomps off stage*

Yuuko: If you can't take the heat…

Steph: Besides, models usually have to wear god-awful clothes, anyway!

[Now, Neville Longbottom and Oliver Wood show us how to wear Fashion Labels with style! Oliver wears an Armani suit with a red rose in his buttonhole, shirt unbuttoned, and Neville wears the Gucci casual wear.]

Oliver: *Hand in jacket pocket, saunter down stage, take and smell rose, throw to Tine, walks away*

Neville: *Walk down to bottom of stage, twirl, smile, twirl, turn, walk back*

{Lights go out}

Nat: Oh-no, what's next?

[And next, is Tom Riddle, wearing a yellow tracksuit, a sock as a hat, and about as much gold jewellery as the Sultan of Brunei…]

Tom: Innit great, man?

All judges: …

Tom: *Walk to end of stage, stand in traditional Ali G style* BOO YA KA SHA! *Walk away*

Yuuko: Well, I must commend him for his courage…he, erm, got into character quite well…

Steph: How does the Dark Lord know about Ali G?

Tine: *Shake head* Tom Riddle, not dark lord yet.

[George and Fred are link Yin and Yang…dressed in extremely tight T-shirts (with respective names printed on them) and extra, extra baggy trousers, George in black and Fred in white, the Twins are a formidable pair. A force to be reckoned with…who wrote this shit?]

Sammy: *Wide Grin*

[Ah, might have known.]

George and Fred: *Walk to end of stage, blow kisses to Sammy, turn walk off*

Sammy: *Faints*

Yuuko: *Sigh, conjure glass of water, pour over Sammy*

Sammy: *Splutter, wake up* Ahem, sorry about that…

[Next is…hang on, Sammy, did you pick these outfits? Because some are most certainly being changed! Arthur is NOT going to wear a floral nightgown!]

Sammy: Aaw…

[Anyway…Arthur wears a set of overalls with a hard hat. Blue seems to be his colour…he is also wearing leather gloves and some hard-wearing boots!]

Arthur: *Walk 'gracefully' down walkway, twirl, walk off*

[Next is Percy…god, I feel so sorry for him…Percy has been forced to wear a multicoloured neon spandex jazzercise outfit…]

Percy: *Jogs down to end of walkway, twirl, smile at judges, twirl, turn walk away*

Sammy: *Sigh, heart-eyes*

Yuuko: Only Percy could pull that off and not look as stupid as other already have…

Steph, Nat, Tine, Dan: *All nodding*

Dan: Respect to him.

[The two eldest Weasley stroll out and wow us with Sammy's demented and twisted sense of 'fashion'. Bill has been shoved into a Mr. Potato Head costume…very, erm, 'Glam'…and Charlie has been persuaded to swap his Dragon hide gloves for…for…I can't even bring myself to say it…*deep breath* He has swapped his dragon hide gloves for silk gloves and a ball gown…it is a deep crimson with gold trimmings…]

Bill, Charlie: *Trot to end of walkway, twirl, Bill tries to bow, Charlie curtsies, twirl again, walk away*

Yuuko: *Turn to Sammy* You should be shot for being so evil… I like you!

Sammy: He, he, he.

Yuuko: So, can we put her COELTT?

SOTD: Sure, why not?

All in COELTT: Yay!

[Ron, the sweetest Weasley, is in a Green jacket and shorts, with green tights. He has a brown hat decorated with a single feather and a plastic fairy…Sammy?]

Sammy: Peter Pan.

Ron: *Wander, hesitantly, to end of walkway, where Sammy is screaming "RON, RON!", twirl, twirl, turn, walk away*

[Next, Lockhart and Snape, as our two most favourite heroes! Lockhart wears a PVC, super-tight, lime green top, coupled with a pair of brown, short shorts. Accessories include a gun and ammo belt, some first aid kits, the star of Anubis, and a mummy's arm. Snape is wearing a blue and red suit, with a mask that has a web painted on the face. His accessories include webbing, and being able to climb buildings…not.]

Snape: *Jumps out onto stage, crawl to end, shoots judges with webbing, back flip, back flip, leave stage*

Lockhart: *Spectacular rolling dive onto stage, gun at the ready, inch slowly to end of stage, keeping constant vigilance, twirl, twirl, turn, run to end of stage, shoot at someone, who screams, spectacular backwards jump*

Yuuko: …bloody hell…they're, ahem, quite athletic…

Steph: Erm…yeah…

Natalie: Who did Lockhart shoot?

SOTD: Wormtail.

Tine: Oh, that's OK, then.

Dan: Yep. I hope it hurt!

Nat: DAN! You've accepted the fact that you are here!

Dan: *Grin* Yep! *Yelp as Nat hugs him*

Sammy: *Sigh* Young love…

Yuuko: …err, Sam?

Sammy: Oh, yeah! On with the show!

{Lights go down again, except there is a red spotlight, through which Lucius emerges…}

[WHAT THE BLOODY HELL-]

Yuuko: *Innocent* What is it, narrator?

[Ulp… I'm gonna be sick… Lucius is wearing what some would class as 'sexy' lingerie… Erm…he has a red corset on and a read garter belt, and a thong…with some stockings…oh, god, lemme out! *Retching noises can be heard*]

Lucius: *Sways hips as he walks to front of stage, twirl, twirl, walk away, blow kiss to all judges, walk offstage*

All judges: *Shudder* Eew…

[Cook, Jordan Eggy, and Tom are refusing to come out and…where's Sarah?]

Yuuko: Erm…she's nowhere near the canal!

Nat: Nope, no-sir-ee!

SOTD: Well, judges, what did you think?

Yuuko: The first half was _nice_…

Tine: The second half was _not_.

Nat, Dan: *Nod agreement*

Sammy: *Drooling over Weasleys*

Steph: *Stone dead, probably from Lucius' performance…*

SOTD: … So. What's the next stage?

Yuuko: Talent. 

SOTD: Should be quick. *Evil snigger*

Nat: Yeah…except, the competitors show us one thing they are good at, be it a performance of Shakespeare, or god-forbid, singing…*shudder*…they will perform…but before that, two competitors will be voted out to join us here on the judges' seat!

SOTD: Yep, reviewers, please vote. Or I will CHOOSE AT RANDOM. I.e., get a friend to choose. 

All: EEK!

SOTD: Yep. Oh, and by the way, the best seller, 'Lucius Malfoy; The Saucy Scandals' is still available, let me know if you readers want the secrets revealed after the competition…MWAHAHA!

Yuuko: …yeah…sure…

SOTD: So, kids, stay tuned for the next instalment of BABE OF HOGWARTS!! And remember to vote! Just push the button just down there, which says 'Add a review'!! Go on. PLEEEAAASE?

Nat: Erm…two things, should we unfreeze Steph…and what about Sarah? The tide is coming in…

Yuuko: *Shrug* Stops her singing, fine with me!


	16. Talent! Talent for sale...oh, hang on, t...

**It's boring, but must be put up. I do NOT want to be sued, thank you! Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sammy, Eos, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, Tom and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! AND to top it all off, the evil authoress, Mistress Malfoy, is making them humiliate themselves!! Wahoo!

**Extra A/N:**  *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah. Tine, Sammy, Steph, and Nat helped with the 'talent', if that is what you would call it.

**BABES OF HOGWARTS…the erm…talent…?**

[Hello again my friends!! Welcome back to the show. Before we start the day's competition, a word from our authoress…]

S(pawn)O(f)T(he)D(evil): It seems that people, even after I took the time to explain in a chapter, STILL do not know how to vote. I thank you very much for taking the time to vote, but please hear what I have to say. Let me explain, AGAIN… YOU VOTE FOR WHOM YOU WANT OUT!! OK? **O-U-T!!** So any messages with 'Ooh, I want Harry/Draco/Snape to win!!' can be disregarded, I'm afraid, because I cannot judge who that person wants OUT…is that clear, peeps??

[Erm…crystal…]

SOTD: Good! Now, I shall announce the votes that I DID get…and they are as follows…

All competitors: *Cross fingers*

Harry Potter - 1

Draco Malfoy - 0

Ronald Weasley - 2

George and Fred Weasley - 1

Percy Weasley - 1

Bill Weasley - 1

Charlie Weasley - 2

Arthur Weasley - 1

James Potter - 2

Peter (ICK) Pettigrew - 7

Sirius Black - 0

Remus Lupin - 0

Severus Snape - 0

Lucius Malfoy – 13…oh dear.

Tom Marvolo Riddle - 3

Oliver Wood - 1

Neville Longbottom - 4

Guilderoy Lockhart  - 3

Cook, Eggy, Jordan and Tom - 1

Sarah Abbey – None, because I assume no-one cares…

SOTD: Sooooo, it seems that Wormtail and Lucius are out of the game! Give them a big hand!

Yuuko: *Conjures a massive hand and drops it on top of Luc and Wormtail*

Luc, Wormtail: EEK!!

SOTD: Not literally, you fool!

Yuuko: Ooh, riiiight! I didn't get it! He, he, he…

SOTD: Hmm… oh, and one more thing. DOES NOBODY WANT TO KNOW LUCIUS' SORDID SECRETS?

[Ah, probably the excitement of the competition…]

SOTD: Hmm, anyway. I will soon be posting a brand new story called, you guessed it, Lucius Malfoy: The Saucy Scandals. Please read and review, or tell me if there really is any point in posting it.

Tine: You are ranting and raving a bit today, aren't you?

Steph:  Must be the time of mo- *smacked by random object* OW!

Lucius: You know, you really should watch what you say around her.

Steph: Well u can't really watch what you say…sound waves are invisible.

Yuuko: Oh, very good. Now, was it you who was telling me that you could watch your mouth? 

Nat: Oh, yeah, if you pull your lip out like this…*demonstrate*…you can.

Steph: *Blush*

Harry: Don't be so nasty to Steph!

Draco: Ooh, ooh! Potter sticking up for his GIRLFRIEND, is he?

Nat: Woo, woo! 

All: *Snigger*

Harry: *point at Draco, then Yuuko* Well, you needn't talk!

Draco: Ah, but I never DENIED it, Potter.

Yuuko: *Nod, nod*

Harry, Steph: *Blush*

Nat: Well, she ain't denying it!

SOTD: Anyway…enough with the couplings, and Harry, Draco! Get backstage now! Now then, ON WITH THE COMP!!

[Right…now, then…singing the intro to the days competition…THE CAST OF MOULIN ROUGE!!!]

 Zidler :

Spectacular, spectacular!

No words in the vernacular

Can describe this great event

You'll be dumb with wonderment.

Returns are fixed at ten percent--

You must agree, that's excellent.

And on top of your fee...

All :

You'll be involved artistically!

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

Elephants!

Arabians!

Indians!

And courtesans!

Acrobats!

And juggling bears!

Exotic girls!

Fire-eaters!

Muscle Men!

Contortionists!

Intrigue, danger,

And romance!

Electric lights,

Machinery,

Powered by electricity!

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

Spectacular, spectacular

No words in the vernacular

Can describe this great event

You'll be dumb with wonderment

The hills are alive, with the sound of music...

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years!

Duke: Yes, but what happens in the end?

Christian: Ahem!

The Courtesan and Sitar-Man

Are pulled apart by an evil plan...

Satine: But in the end she hears his song...

Christian: And their love is just too strong...

Duke: It's a little bit funny...This feeling inside...

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting, it will run for 5o years--!

Christian: Sitar player's secret song, helps them flee the evil one... 

Though the tyrant rants and rails, it is all to no avail!

Zidler: I am the evil maharajah! You will not escape!

Satine: Oh Harold, no one could play him like you could!

Zidler: No one's going to!

So exciting, we'll make them laugh we'll make them cry!

So delighting--!

Duke: And in the end should someone die?

So exciting, the audience will stomp and cheer!

So delighting it will run for 50 years--!

Duke: Generally, I like it...!

[Thanks for that, people. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Wormtail…the cast of MOULIN ROUGE!!!]

All: *Clap*

[Now, first up, in the TALENT Competition…Jordan, Eggy, and Tom…singing 'Walk On By'…]

Yuuko: *Deadpan* Oh, joy of joys.

Tine: Where's Cook?

Steph: *looking around* Well, he ain't here!

Nat: He, he, he…you will see…

Eggy, Jordan, Tom:

Walk on, walk walk walk on

Walk on by

If you see me walking down the street

And I start to cry each time we meet

Walk on by

Walk on by

Make believe that you don't see the tears

Just let me grieve

In private 'cause each time I see you

I break down and cry

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

I just can't get over losing you

And so if I seem broken and blue

Walk on by

Walk on by

Foolish pride, that's all that I have left

So let me hide

The tears and the sadness you gave me

When you said goodbye

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

Ooh ooh

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

I just can't, I just can't

I-I-I just can't, I just can't

I-I-I just can't get over losing you

And so if I seem broken and blue

Walk on by

Walk on by

Foolish pride, that's all that I have left

So let me hide

The tears and the sadness you gave me

When you said goodbye

Walk on by (walk on, walk on)

Walk on by (walk on, walk walk walk on)

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

Walk on by

All: …

Steph: What…

Nat: …the Hell…

Tine: You put up with these guys?

Yuuko: For as little time as possible.

Tine: Ah.

Lucius: My goodness…they are muggles? Maybe I _should_ be afraid…

Yuuko: *Roll eyes* He catches on quick.

Wormtail: *Been shunted into corner because sofa will not fit him*

[And next…the remaining marauders!! Singing their version of YMCA!!]

All: *Scream*

[Erm…SOTD says that this will also be put up as a separate story…anyway…let the show go on, as they say.]

Sirius: Hey, people, why don't you go down to the YMTA?

Yuuko: *Sigh* What's the YMTA?

James: The Young Marauder's Troublemaking Association!!

Remaining Marauders:

People, There's no need to feel bored

We said, when you need to settle the score

We said, people, when the Slytherins sneer

There's a way to get even now

People, there's a place you can go,

We said people, when you're short on your jokes

You can come here, we assure you you'll find

Many ways to settle the score

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

We have everything Gryffindors will adore

Use them while the Professors snore

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

You can throw a stink bomb

Inconspicuously

You can do whatever you feel

People, are you listening to us?

Do you, approve of what our club does

We say, people, you can make real your dreams

But you've got to know one thing

You can't do it, with magic itself

We say, people, put your wands on the shelf

And just go there to the YMTA

We're sure we can help you today

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

We have everything Gryffindors will adore

Use them while the Professors snore

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

You can beat up that Snape

Wrap him up in some drapes

You can do whatever you feel

People, we were once in your shoes

We say, we were bored and hated to lose

We felt, no one would beat the Slytherins

We felt the whole world was caving

That's when someone came up to us

And said, "wish we could spray paint their bus."

We started a club – the YMTA

We can start you up on your way

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

We have everything Gryffindors will adore

Use them while the Professors snore

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

You can beat up that Snape

Wrap him up in some drapes

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

We have everything Gryffindors will adore

Use them while the Professors snore

It's fun to side with the YMTA

It's fun to side with the YMTA

You can throw a stink bomb

Inconspicuously

Woooooohoooo!

All: *Dance around*

Marauders: *Bow*

Judges: *Clap, whoop, whistle*

Lucius: *mumble* …pile of shite…

Judges: *Scary glare*

Lucius: *shrink* eep!

Yuuko: I think we should count ourselves lucky _he_ isn't in this competition anymore! HA! He is as much a babe as Anthea Turner!

All: *Shudder*

SOTD: Hmm, did you know that 'Anthea' is automatically corrected to 'Anthrax'?

Nat: Well, no surprise, really.

[No…I don't suppose so. Anyway, the next act is…The Weasley Brothers singing and dancing to…'You Sexy Thing' by Hot Chocolate!]

Sammy: *Screaming, jumping up and down*

Weasley Bros:

I believe in miracles  
Where you from  
You sexy thing  
I believe in miracles  
Since you came along  
You sexy thing  
  
Miracles right before my eyes  
You sexy thing got me hypnotised  
Don't stop what ya' doing  
What ya' doing to me  
My angel from above lying next to me  
How did ya' know that I'd be the one  
Been a long time coming only just begun  
Doing all the things that makes my heart sing  
Keep doing what you're doing you sexy thing  
  
How did ya' know I needed you so badly  
How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly  
Yesterday I was one of a lonely people  
Now you're lying next to me  
Making love to me  
  
I believe in miracles  
Where you from  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
I believe in miracles  
Since you came along  
You sexy thing  
  
Only yesterday I was on my own  
Just another day later my mind was blown  
You sexy thing come into my life  
Forever and a day it feels so right  
How did ya' know that I'd be the one  
Been a long time coming only just begun  
Doing all the things that makes my heart sing  
Keep doing what you're doing you sexy thing  
  
How did ya' know I needed you so badly  
How did ya' know I gave my heart gladly  
Yesterday I was one of a lonely people  
Now you're lying next to me  
Making love to me  
  
I believe in miracles  
Where you from  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
I believe in miracles  
Since you came along  
You sexy thing  
  
Kiss me baby  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
  
Touch me baby  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
  
Kiss me baby  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
  
Touch me baby  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing  
  
Kiss me baby  
You sexy thing  
You sexy thing   
  
You sexy thing

Sammy: *Scream all Weasleys names*

Yuuko: *Sigh* Well, there she goes again. Oh, and don't you DARE vote: _"__Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... Weasley's... *grin* i like the Weasley's... especially Ron because of my peter pan fetish!_" AGAIN! Do you know the HELL we had to put up with from SOTD? She was ranting and raving about how she was going to throw you out!

Sammy: NOOOOO!

Nat: Exactly. So don't do it again.

Sammy: *nod, nod*

[And next….Vol- Sorry, I mean Tom Riddle in…who was on what drugs when they sorted his outfit.]

Judges: It's very suitable for the song he is going to do!

[Oh-kaay, he seems to be wearing an ocean blue dress, skin tight, and a teensy weensy jacket with lovely coloured feathers! Erm…what the…]

Tom:

Yesh isha gdola mehakhaim

Yesh khushim sheyesh rak la

Yesh ksamim veyesh yamim kashim

Uvama, shehi kulla shela

Lamalakhim Diva hi imperya

Al habama Diva hi histerya

Hi kulla shir ahava

Viva nari'a

Viva Victoria

Afrodita

Viva laDiva

Viva Victoria

Cleopatra

Yesh nashim, dma'ot shel hakha'im

Hen yisu tfila lelo milim

Lamalakhim Diva hi imperya

Al habama Diva hi histerya

Hi kulla shir ahava.

All: Huh?

Tom: *Sigh* I'll do the English translated version, then!

Tom:

There is a woman who is bigger than life

She has senses nobody else has

There is magic and there are hard days

And a stage, which is all hers

For the angels Diva is an empire

On the stage Diva is hysteria

She is all a love song

Viva, we shall shout in joy

Viva Victoria

Aphrodita

Viva for Diva

Viva Victoria

Cleopatra

There are women, tears of life

They will carry out a prayer with no words

For the angels Diva is an empire

On the stage Diva is hysteria

She is all a love song.

Yuuko: Oh, Dana International…

Tine: Sooo fitting, no?

[Riiiight… On to the next act…Andrew Cook in a pink and yellow fat costume?!!]

Cook:

10 seconds... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... Ignition... Lift off! 

(Steph: Yay! Mr. Blobby! *Sing along*)

Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, if only you could make us understand,  
Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, your influence will spread throughout the land. 

"Let's hear it for Mr Blobby!"  
_(Blobby, blobby, blobby)_

His philosophy of life will steer him through,  
And as far as he can see,  
He's the same as you and me,  
There's nothing in the world he cannot do. 

No hill too high, no desert too dry,  
No road too long, no tide too strong,  
No bridge too far, he's got a car,  
No slope to steep, no thought too deep,  
No star too bright, no squeeze too tight,  
No tale too tall, no cat too cool,  
No bass too low, he'll give it a go,  
No end to his talents, no sense of balance! 

Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, when disaster strikes you never get depressed,  
Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, you'll always prove that Blobby is the best. 

Although he's unconventional in hue,  
His philosophy of life will steer him through,  
And despite the limitation  
Of his poor coordination,  
He knows he'll show the world a thing or two.  
_(Blobby, blobby, blobby)_

Blobby, Mr Blobby, you're the guy who puts the "do" in "do or die",  
Blobby, Mr Blobby, your deeds are guaranteed to stupefy. 

No ride too rough, no test too tough,  
No act too slick, no race too quick,  
No shot too hot, he'll hit the spot,  
No style too chic, no joke too weak,  
No chance too slim, no fate too grim,  
No far too strong, no odds too long,  
No price too high, he's put some by,  
No dodge, no doubt, no backing out. 

Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, if humanity's a question of degree,  
Blobby, Mr Blobby, stay loyal to your Blobby pedigree. 

Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, you're the one who bears the pink and yellow crest,  
Blobby, Mr Blobby, you'll always prove that Blobby is the best. 

All: …

Cook: *bow, walk off stage*

Yuuko: Erm…moving swiftly onwards…

[Yeah, the next act is…Harry, Snape and Draco with Oliver, Neville, and Guilderoy as minors, who they are.]

Oliver, Neville, Lockhart: NO WE ARE NOT!

Snape, Draco, Harry: You are SO!!

ONL: Are NOT!

SDH: Are TOO!!

ONL: Are NOT!

SDH: Are TOO!!

ONL: Are NOT!

SDH: Are TOO!!

ONL: Are NOT!

SDH: Are TOO!!

Yuuko: *Sigh* *Spell in which all six end up in straitjackets*

Nat: Riiiight…

Yuuko: Do you lot even _have_ an act?

Snape, Harry, Draco, Oliver, Neville, Lockhart: Err…no.

Yuuko: Thought so.

[Erm…shall we call it a day?]

Lucius: No, we'll call it an evening!

Yuuko: *sigh* If your brains were a fart, there wouldn't be enough to stink, and furthermore, If gas were brains you wouldn't be able to power a toy car around a fly!!!!!

All: *Laugh*

Lucius: Why you little-

Yuuko: If I want to hear from an asshole, I'll fart!

All: *Laugh even more*

Lucius: *Face red with humiliation*

Yuuko: And What's more, if my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and tell it to walk backwards!

Lucius: I am NOT ugly!

Yuuko: *Snort* I've seen better-looking butts in an ashtray!!

Nat: *Between hysterical laughter* Yuuko, you are on top form today!

Yuuko: I know! Oh, I wanted to ask you something, Luc.

Lucius: *Grumble* What?

Yuuko: Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?

Lucius: *think a bit* Yep.

Yuuko: Thought so.

Steph: In you head! HAHAHAHA! Geez! That's brilliant!!

Lucius: Why are you always so nasty to me? *Cry…or shriek in this case*

Yuuko: Oops, I made him cry…should I make him stop?

All: *hands over ears* YES!

Yuuko: Lucius. LUCIUS!!

Lucius: *Stop crying*

Yuuko: Thank-you. *Think a bit* You, Mr Malfoy, play a vital part in this Fanfiction, right?

All: *Nod*

Yuuko: See? Where would the fun of this Fanfiction be if there was no Lucius Malfoy? You give it, err, class.

Lucius: Really?

All: Oh! Yeah, yeah. Of course!

Lucius: Yay! *Prance around room throwing carnations…*

Yuuko: …well, at least he isn't suicidal anymore…I suppose that would count as a bonus…

Natalie, Steph: If you say so.

Tine: *Busy 'talking' with Oliver, hint, hint*

Harry: Steph! Lemme out!

Steph: *Shrug* Okay.

Natalie: *Nudge Yuuko* Wooo, they're a bit close, aren't they? Hmm, hmm?

Yuuko: *Who has already freed Draco from jacket* He, he, he.

Nat: I don't suppose we can talk!

Yuuko, Draco, Dan: *Grin*

[Anyway…this competition is over for now. Well, until SOTD has done her art exam and RECOVERED. Oh, and remember…

VOTE FOR WHO YOU WANT **OUT!!** OK? OUT!!

Thank-you]

~*~

SOTD: Well, I will say it again, just in case people forgot…OUT! VOTE FOR TWO PEOPLE OUT OUT OTUOUTOUTOUT!!! Okay? 

All: Err, yeah…

SOTD: 

Harry Potter 

Draco Malfoy 

Ronald Weasley 

George and Fred Weasley 

Percy Weasley 

Bill Weasley 

Charlie Weasley 

Arthur Weasley 

James Potter 

Sirius Black 

Remus Lupin 

Severus Snape 

Tom Marvolo Riddle 

Oliver Wood 

Neville Longbottom 

Guilderoy Lockhart  

Cook, Eggy, Jordan and Tom 

Sarah Abbey

Yuuko: Oh, and another thing. Let's all wish Sammy happy b-day!!

All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMY!

Sammy: *Choked* F-for me?

Yuuko: Our pressie for you!

Sammy: *Opens large box to find it contains RON!* EEK! YAY!! *Drags her new 'toy' to corner to 'play'…*

Yuuko: I think she's happy…

Nat: Yep.

Fred: So is Ron.

George: Lucky Bugger.

Yuuko: PPS, Myra, yes you can be in the story, according to the great SOTD, one of us is leaving, so you will replace that person. Another PPS, will you PLEASE tell her if her Lucius Malfoy, blah blah book is good warrant to post as a new story. Thank you sooo much!

Draco: You are sooo polite!

Yuuko: I do my best!


	17. Rest of the Talent

**It's boring, but must be put up. I do NOT want to be sued, thank you! Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sammy, Eos, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, Tom and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! AND to top it all off, the evil authoress, Mistress Malfoy, is making them humiliate themselves!! Wahoo!

**Extra A/N:** *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah. 

SOTD: Submitted b-coz I don't have enough voteez.

Short Interlude… 

[Hiya peeps! You join us at an, err, interesting moment…erm, the people who didn't get the chance to flaunt their 'talent' get to have their chance now…it seems that they had their acts chosen for them…by Sammy, Tine, Steph and Yuuko. Nat was busy with Dan, ahem…]

Steph: …that is a brilliant idea, Yuuko!

Yuuko: Isn't it just? Mwahaha!

Nat, Tine: …he, he, he…

All: *Look, worriedly at the four people*

Draco: You, err, wouldn't be nasty to us, *motion him and Potter* would you?

Yuuko: *Look at Steph*

Steph: Now, we know how to keep our professional and private lives separate.

Harry: …nuts…

Sirius: Ha, ha! Hope you get humiliated, Malfoy!

Lucius: Censored you, Black!

Sirius: Err, no thanks.

Sammy: I would, I would!!

Yuuko: Well, yeah. We know.

Myra: …why am I here?

SOTD: You said you wanted to be here. Now, one person will leave for you to replace. Steph is a mate, so yeah, she gets special privileges. Now, the person to leave is…

All: …

SOTD: …NEVILLE!

Neville: Yay! I can go home! YESSS!!

All: WHY HIM?

SOTD: Well, sweet, innocent Neville can go home because, well, he is sweet and innocent. Besides, you lot actually act normal around him, so byebye Nev!

Nev: *Wave byebye, vanish in puff of bluey green smoke*

Myra: Erm…hallo?

All: Hello.

SOTD: You can hang around with COELTT if you want. You cant join though.

Myra: Aaw why not?

SOTD: Too many people already. 

[Erm, first it's Harry and Draco doing the final scene from Macbeth, Harry is Macbeth and Draco is Macduff…I see no logic in that…]

{Set out in funny way because I got it from a website…}

MACBETH 

Why should I play the Roman fool, and die  
On mine own sword? whiles I see lives, the gashes  
Do better upon them.

_Enter MACDUFF_

MACDUFF 

Turn, hell-hound, turn!

MACBETH 

Of all men else I have avoided thee:  
But get thee back; my soul is too much charged  
With blood of thine already.

MACDUFF 

I have no words:  
My voice is in my sword: thou bloodier villain  
Than terms can give thee out!

_They fight_

MACBETH 

Thou losest labour:  
As easy mayst thou the intrenchant air  
With thy keen sword impress as make me bleed:  
Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests;  
I bear a charmed life, which must not yield,  
To one of woman born.

MACDUFF 

Despair thy charm;  
And let the angel whom thou still hast served  
Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother's womb  
Untimely ripp'd.

MACBETH 

Shit. I'm a bit buggered aren't I?

MACDUFF 

Yep.

All: erm…*Clap, one clap, that is*

Yuuko: He, he, he… And the next act is…

[Oh, dear lord…it's Oliver, Snape and Lockhart acting out an episode of///]

{Changing Rooms music floats through hall}

Snape: *Plastic grin* Hello, and welcome to Changing Rooms. I am your host, Smiley, smiley, Carol Smiley!! *Wider, if possible, grin*

All: *Shudder*

Snape: Oh, look, there's our handyman Andy, and…

Oliver: *Walk over with drill in hand and tool-belt round his waist*

Tine: Meow.

Lockhart: *Walk over like a little prissy wearing a pink suit with roses printed on them. He has long, long hair…nuff said*

Snape: *Try to maintain composure without laughing* H-hello L-L-Lawrence…

Lockhart: *Waft hair, nearly killing Oliver* Hello. *Emphasis on 'H'*

Snape: I'm just telling the viewers who I am! I'm smiley, smiley Carol Smiley!! *Cheesy grin*

Oliver: …

Lockhart: *Waft hair, just missing Snape* We know you are.

Yuuko: …*walk over to Oliver, whisper something in ear*

Oliver: *Get to work*

[Erm…soon, our Handy man, Handy Andy has built a construction, soundproof, to keep Lockhart and 'Carol' in…]

Yuuko: There is a God.

Tine: Nice work, Oliver.

Oliver: *Blush*

SOTD: Well, did you enjoy that?

All: …yeah, loved it.

SOTD: Don't lie.

ALL: OK

Myra: I didn't get a big part!

SOTD: Aaw, shut up. Just be thankful you are here!

Myra: Thankful…?

Yuuko: Just bear with her, ok?

Myra: Oh…you aren't going to be nasty to me are you?

SOTD: That all depends on whether I get bored of torturing everyone else.

Myra: …yay…?

SOTD: Oh, and I was thinking of ending this on chapter 25…what do people think?


	18. Last stage of the comp! PLEASE VOTE

**Tra la, la, la, laaaaaa, it's the Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sammy, S.O.T.D, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, Tom and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'* *Turns to pray to Snape, Draco and Tom Riddle shrine*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! AND to top it all off, the evil authoress, Mistress Malfoy, is making them humiliate themselves!! Wahoo!

**Extra A/N:** *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah has been sent home after people started to wonder where he was.

Oh, and by the way, NONE OF MY CHAPTERS MAKE SENSE! THERE IS NO POINT IN **ANY** OF THEM! WEEEEEEE!

Oh, and by the way, #2; This story is drawing near it's end, and will be finishing on chapter 25…Stephanie, the one in my story, insists that this is a BAD idea, and has started a petition with Tine. I stupidly agreed that if they got some signatures, I will not stop…but chapter 25 is the last one…and has been written up! Unless someone has a real problem with me stopping the story…

The Final Stage… 

[Readers, this is the final of the BABES OF HOGWARTS Competition, and the votes are in for the last two who are out. Then it is up to YOU who will win. But for now, here is SOTD with the votes…]

SOTD: Thank-you Narrator! A few things before, though. How big is Newcastle, though, really?

Nat: You've lost the girls…

Steph: …ha, ha.

SOTD: It isn't funny. I seriously do not know where they are!

Tine: SO…we are stuck in this hall full of gorgeous…*Look around, see Wormtail, Cook, Jordan and Eggy*…_mostly_ gorgeous men and no, I repeat, _no_ other women?

SOTD: *Think* Yep.

Yuuko: Get in.

Steph: Yay! *Eye up Sirius and Harry*

Myra: …I'm still confused…

SOTD: Oh, and Myra, you have to leave. So do you, Tom V.

Tom V: Oh, okay.

Myra: *Shocked gasp* NOOOO! Why??

SOTD: I'm bringing Neville back. 

Myra: Bu- *Disappears in a puff of neon smoke*

Cook: See ya back at school Tom.

Tom: byebye! *Disappear in a puff of acid green smoke*

Nat: …and what makes you think we will get out of here?

All: …

Yuuko: This smoke is getting nicer.

Steph: ….whatever.

Neville: *Appear in puff of Ocean blue smoke* Huh? I'm back?

SOTD: Reviewers wanted you. I'm not about to protest.

Lucius: I AM!!

Yuuko: So, what were you saying, Spawn?

Lucius: …oh, piss off…

Yuuko: *Head snap up* WHAT WAS THAT?

Lucius: Erm…hiss…cough…? Err, err, he's tough…?

Nat: Stop digging, Luc.

Snape: Longbottom, you aren't going to kill us, or anything, are you?

Oliver: *Stand between Neville and Snape* Leave him alone!!

Tine: *Heart-eyes* Oh, isn't he just _SOOOO_ heroic?? *Sigh*

Oliver: *Blush*

Tine: *Sigh* He is just so dreamy… *Sigh*

Snape: And what makes you think I fear you, Mr. Wood?

Yuuko: *Tap Snape on shoulder* Remember, _Mr. Snape_, Oliver still does not know about _Sammy_…

Sammy: Wha-?

Yuuko: So do remind me…whom do _you_ fear?

Snape: EEP! No! Not that, anything but that! Please forgive me!

Yuuko: Now go and sit next to Lucius like a good little boy.

Steph: He, he, he. You sure have him on a short leash, Yuuko! 

Yuuko: *Death glare*

Snape: Erm…is his neck really meant to be at that angle?

SOTD: Hmm, probably not. But hey, he won't die unless I write it into the story! Anyway, I shall now give you the votes…

Harry Potter - 2

Draco Malfoy - 1

Ronald Weasley – 5 (Sammy: WHAT?! HOW **DARE** THEY!! *Mad rampage*)

George and Fred Weasley - 4

Percy Weasley - 2

Bill Weasley - 3

Charlie Weasley - 4

Arthur Weasley - 1

James Potter - 2

Sirius Black - 1

Remus Lupin - 1

Severus Snape - 2

Tom Marvolo Riddle - 3

Oliver Wood - 6

Neville Longbottom – 10 (But he hasn't done anything…)

Guilderoy Lockhart  - 18…blimmin' heck!

Cook, Eggy, Jordan and Tom - 4

Sarah Abbey – Erm…n/a…?

[So it seems that the next people out are…Neville and Guilderoy!]

All: *Clap, clap*

Lockhart: *Go to corner to sulk* How can _I_ be voted out? Do they not know who I am? No, that isn't possible…they must all be muggles who do not know me, yes. That will be it…I mean, not knowing who I, Guilderoy Lockhart is? Ha! That should be against the law! I, with my strength and beauty, unknown…? *Shudder*

All: *Exasperated sigh*

Neville: …thank goodness I'm out! Yay!

Yuuko: So, should I tell them what they are doing? 

Judges: *Evil snigger*

All: *Shudder*

SOTD: Go on, I'm going to go on Hex…byeee! I'm leaving them in your capable hands, narrator!

[Oh, whoop dee doo…]

All: …bye…

Yuuko: Ahem, now then, because this is the last stage of this influential competition…

Steph: It influences psychos!

Yuuko: …thank you for that completely USELESS piece of information, Steph. Now, as I was saying, this is the last stage, so we thought that it would be nice if we made it a special one…

All: *Glance around*

Draco: You know, I am happy that we got to the final and all, but why the hell has the Great Hall got a-

Yuuko: ANYWAY, we have decided that the next competition should be to see your SPORTYNESS!! 

All: *Scream*

Harry: I suppose it would be FAR too optimistic to say that it might be Quidditch?

Steph: No, duh.

Sammy: I'm sorry Weasley brothers! I had to do it!

Weasleys: Riiiight…

Nat: Now, the hall, as you can very well see, has been split into two parts. One half, a Swimming Pool, the other half, a Trampoline. And if you look at the floor beneath you, you can see that the floor has lines painted on it…

Yuuko: First up, trampolining!

All: …do we have to?

Judges: Yes.

All: *Walk over to Trampoline*

Yuuko: Now, to give you a demonstration of what to do is Michelle!

Michelle: Okay…erm…*Start bouncing on trampolining*

Yuuko: And to demonstrate what _not_ to do… *Michelle disappears* Wormtail! Mwahaha!

Wormtail: *Fly off trampoline and break back landing on hard floor*

Yuuko: …and Lucius!

Lucius: *Try front drop, ending up into a banana*

{A/N: A front drop is obviously when you fall onto your front and push yourself back up. A Banana is painful. It is when your legs fly up before the rest of your body and THEN your body snaps up, thus, causing unbearably pain in back. I speak from experience.}

All: *Sharp intake of breath*

Yuuko: …man, I felt that. Luc. Luc, are you okay?

Lucius: …no…

Yuuko: Erm…*use wand to levitate him and set him onto a comfy sofa that just happened to be there*

Steph: Wow, you were _nice_ to him…

Nat: She knows how it feels.

Steph: Ah. Painful?

Yuuko: Bloody.

Nat: *Nod*

Steph: Aaw, that was actually really nice of you!

Yuuko: *Smile* Right, who's first?

All: *Silent*

Yuuko: …okaaay…that worked…

Steph: …fine, we'll pick.

Nat: We'll pick a person each, ok?

Judges: *Nod*

Yuuko: Ok, I pick…*shrug* Draco.

Draco: Oh, hooray. *Get on trampoline* 

Harry: Ha, ha.

Steph: Dunno what you are laughing at, I'm picking you.

Harry: *Smug* But I'm not first.

Nat: *Waves wand to conjure another trampoline*

Harry: Oh, phooey. *Get on trampoline, start bouncing*

Draco: Hey, this is actually quite fun!

Harry: Err, yeah…as much as I hate to agree with him, he's right. It is fun!

Yuuko: Right, now you have gotten used to it, give it your best shot!

Nat: They should be OK…it's others I am worried about… *Glance at Riddle and Snapey Poos…lol*

Draco: *Swing arms to gain height*

Yuuko: *To Steph* Blood and sand! He's going quite high!

Steph: *Gaping* Any higher and they will be through the bloody ceiling!

Draco: Sequence: Front Somersault, seat drop to front drop, half twist, back drop, front drop, turn table (front, full twist, front), pike, back drop, back somersault to feet.

All: …holy shit…

Yuuko: …*In state of deep shock*

Sammy: …how…when…why…

Tine: …don't go there, Sam…

Nat: …Harry, do you want to go now…

Harry: Not really.

Tine: …tough…start, now.

Harry: *Start bouncing* Sequence: Backwards somersault with half twist, back drop to front drop to seat drop to front drop, half twist, swivel-hips (seat, half twist, seat), roller (seat, full twist, seat) to feet.

All: 0_o;…

Draco: *Whistle* Very good, Potter.

Steph: *Heart eyes*

Harry: Thanks; you aren't so bad yourself, Malfoy.

Draco: Yeah, well.

Sammy: Ahem! Would you mind getting off now?

Draco, Harry: *Get off*

Sammy: Can I pick next?

Nat: Yeah, me too.

Sammy: I pick Ron, obviously, although I don't want to let go of him…

Nat: …and I pick Remus.

Ron: *Climb up onto trampoline*

Remus: I feel terribly self-conscious about doing this… *climb onto trampoline*

Yuuko: But it's not because of your lycanthropy is it? I mean, that is why you are usually self-conscious.

Remus: …good point.

Yuuko: Right…*Check Ron and Lupin off checklist*

Steph: Lemme see!

Yuuko: *Poke at Steph's hand with pencil* Gerrof!

Steph: OW! What if I get lead poisoning!

Yuuko: …aren't pencils mostly graphite?

Nat: I thought so.

Steph: I meant what if I get lead poisoning at some point in my life? Or what if I get graphite poisoning? Huh? Huh? My blood might turn into lead!!! What would I do then, huh?

Yuuko: Eat a rubber.

Lucius: *Quiet snigger as he lays on sofa*

Wormtail: Erm…am I being ignored…my spine…please…

Steph: Now eating a rubber would just be stupid!

Yuuko: Well it might keep you quiet for two seconds!!

Wormtail: …help…?

All: SHUT UP!

Ron: Can I start?

Nat: Go ahead.

Ron: *Start bouncing*

Sammy: *Heart-eyes as she stares at Ron* Look at that perfect form…that breathtaking physique…that sexy body…*Sigh*

All: *Roll eyes*

Ron: Sequence: Hand-knees-turnover, front drop to back drop through cat's cradle (back, half, back), front drop, feet, somersault to front to feet.

Sammy: *Faint with delight*

Yuuko: *Roll eyes* Not again… *Slap, slap*

Sammy: ALRIGHT! I'm awake, already!! Blimmin' 'eck!

Tine: Go on Remus!

Remus: Erm…Okay… *Start bouncing*

All: Yay!

Remus: Sequence: Somersault with full-twist, front drop to back drop to seat drop, half-twist, seat-drop, half-twist, seat drop, hands-knees turnover to feet.

All: *Mad cheering*

Yuuko: Well, now isn't _that_ a turn for the books.

Remus: *Blush, get off from trampoline*

Sammy: *Rush over to hug Ron, who is trying to get off the trampoline* Yay! That was brilliant!!

Ron: *Blush*

Steph: Tine and Yuuko will choose, then…

Tine: …Oliver… *Sigh, heart-eyes*

Yuuko: *Roll eyes* Erm…Severus.

Steph: Ooh, ooh, something you aren't telling us?

Yuuko: …*ignore Steph*

Oliver, Snape: *Get onto respective trampolines*

Oliver: Erm, I might not be able to…

Tine: Just do your best!

Oliver: *Nod* Sequence: Seat drop to front drop to seat drop, full twist, seat drop, full twist, seat drop, front drop to feet.

Tine: *Clap louder than everyone else*

Sammy: Go on, Sev.

Snape: I'm scared!

Steph: …erm…_he _is _scared_…?

Lucius: Ha! Severus is scared of an inanimate object! *Smacked by ruler* OW! *Attacked by ruler* EEP! NO MORE, NO MORE!

Yuuko: You'll do fine! Just, err, just do what you can!

Snape: Okay… Sequence: Seat drop, front drop, hands-knees turnover, front somersault, back somersault, seat drop to feet.

{A/N: Is it just me, or is it completely, side-splittingly, tear-jerkingly funny trying to imagine our Snapie Poos on a trampoline? XD LMAO when I do!}

Steph: See? That wasn't too bad now, was it? 

Snape: No…don't suppose so…

Yuuko: actually that was bloody impressive!

Snape, Oliver: *Get off trampoline*

Yuuko: Well done the both of you.

Steph: And next…Charlie!

Sammy: …and Bill!

SOTD: *Suddenly appearing out of nowhere* THAT. IS. IT!!!!!!

All: *Flinch at over use of exclamation marks*

Yuuko: What's wrong?

SOTD: YOU MEASLEY LITTLE TWITS! *All: *Flinch** THIS COMPETITION IS BORING! WHY CAN NOT ONE OF YOU BREAK YOUR BACK? HUH? HE *point to Wormtail* MANAGED IT! WHY CAN'T YOU? IT'S THE SAME STORY EVERY TIME!! MY REVIEWERS WILL WANT THIS STORY TO END!

Wormtail: We do…

SOTD: *Death glare* WHAT. WAS. THAT?

Wormtail: Eep, nothing!

Yuuko: *point out* _You_ do.

SOTD: THAT IS NOT THE POINT! AT THIS RATE THEY WILL BE GLAD TO SEE THE BACK OF THIS STORY! YOU LOT NEED TO INJURE YOURSELVES MORE OFTEN, DO YOU HEAR?

James: Calm down! Sheesh! Take a chill pill! Why don't _you_ injure yourself?

Yuuko: …James, I wouldn't.

SOTD: DON'T WORRY, I HAVE PLANS FOR _YOU_.

George: We haven't said much in these latest chapters…

Fred: …why not?

SOTD: HUH? OH, RIGHT! THAT IS BECAUSE, MY DEARS, I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU WEASLEYS, MWAHAHAHA!

Weasleys: *Shudder*

Tom Riddle: What's with the caps?

SOTD: *Shrug* JUST TO SEEM MORE EVIL…SPEAKING OF EVIL… *Snap fingers and Tom Riddle turns back into Voldemort!!!* HA! NOW THINGS WON'T BE SO NICE FOR EVERYONE!

Draco: And this makes a difference…how?

Voldemort: *Shrug* I could hurt you with the unspeakable curses.

Yuuko: You do that, Voldy Baby, and I will make sure you can never ride a broom in comfort ever again, you hear?

Voldemort: Can I worship you?

Yuuko: *Shrug* If you must.

SOTD: WELL, THAT PLAN WORKED. I THINK I'M LOSING MY TOUCH…

James: Not at all! Breaking Wormtail's back was pure genius! 

SOTD: BIT OVERDONE, THOUGH, INNIT?

Remus: So? It was still funny to watch!

SOTD: I NEED AN EVIL- oh stuff this…*Sigh* I need inspiration.

Sirius: How about a kick the Wormtail competition?

Yuuko: Nah, too boring.

Harry: *Kicking Wormtail* Not for me!

Draco: But we had to have a go on that thing! *Point to Trampoline*

SOTD: Tough shit.

All: *Gasp*

Tine: Mind your language!

Sammy: Well, is this competition gonna continue, or what?

SOTD: Nah, I think the readers will be able to make their mind up from what they have seen, don't you?

Sammy: I-

All: WE KNOW! RON, RIGHT?

Sammy: *Sheepish grin*

Ron: *Blush*

Steph: Aaw, bless.

Yuuko: Err, is Lucius ok? He kinda looks dead.

Nat: Are you hiding something?

Yuuko: Well, yeah. I asked the authoress to take out Dan.

Nat: !!! *Faint*

Yuuko: Ha, ha.

Lucius: And I am alive, thank-you.

[So, is there really going to be a point to this chapter?]

SOTD: *Shrug* Nope. Oh, readers. This, as you might have guessed, is the final. NOW you can vote who you want to win.

Steph: Watch all the votes for 'WORMTAIL OUT'…

Nat: *Smirk*

SOTD: DON'T YOU _JOKE_ ABOUT THAT?! IF I DO GET VOTES LIKE THAT-

Steph: OK, OK!

SOTD: Know what? You can play football!

All wizards: Huh?

Yuuko: Football…you know, the game…

Lucius: Huh? *Miraculously his back pain is cured and he sits up*

Tine: Lucius! Your back is better!

Lucius: Uh-hu. Anyway, what is foot ball?

Sirius: A ball that goes on your foot? That doesn't sound fun!

Wormtail: *Get up* …does it taste nice?

Sirius: Aaw, did you have to fix _his_ back?

Steph: I think SOTD likes Wormtail! I mean, she has a thing for evil people…

SOTD: Yeah, evil people, not retarded spackers.

Harry: *Thrust arms upwards* I give up trying to explain! 

Sirius: I Still don't get it!

All Wizards with absolutely no muggle heritage: *Nod, nod*

Yuuko: *Sigh* Football: a game in which two teams of 11 players try to kick or head a round ball into the goal defended by the opposing team. _US term_ soccer.

Steph: Wow! That was a good definition!

Sammy: Will Ron play?

SOTD: Everyone will. That is why Lucius' back is OK. Yuuko and Steph pick one team. Sammy, Tine and Nat can pick another. This is going to get complicated. We'll have a short break while you girls decide who gets whom.

~*~

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*Great hall has been cleared of Trampolines and has been replaced by a football pitch, with goalposts either end…obviously*

[Have you decided?]

All judges: *Nod*

Yuuko: *Hand list of teams to Narrator*

[Ahem…

**Yuuko's team;**

Harry Potter

Stephanie Cole

George Weasley

Severus Snape

Charlie Weasley

James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Lucius Malfoy

Tom Riddle

And Cook!

**Tine and Sammy's team;**

Natalie Price

Fred Weasley

Bill Weasley

Arthur Weasley

Peter Pettigrew

Percy Weasley

Neville Longbottom

Guilderoy Lockhart

Eggy

Jordan

And Sarah Abbey!]

Ron, Draco, Oliver: What about us?

Yuuko: You aren't playing. We didn't want you to.

Draco: *Shrug* Fine with me! *Sit down next to Yuuko*

Tine: *Wave* Hey, Oliver, come here!

Oliver: *Sits next to Tine*

Sammy: Yay! Ron!

Ron: *Rushes over to Sammy*

Yuuko: Are we actually going to pay attention to this match?

Sammy: I ain't!

Tine, Oliver: *Shrug* Probs not.

SOTD: Now, the rules are simple, which is why I will have to explain them in great detail. Any player who intentionally commits any of the following nine offences will be…'punished'…Mwahaha: 

Kicks or attempts to kick an opponent; Trips an opponent, i.e., throwing or attempting to throw him by the use of the legs or by stooping in front of or behind him; Jumps at an opponent (SIRIUS! KEEP AWAY FROM WORMTAIL! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN!); Charges an opponent in a violent or dangerous manner; Charges an opponent from behind unless the latter is obstructing; Strikes or attempts to strike an opponent or spits at him; Holds an opponent; Pushes an opponent; Handles the ball, i.e., carries, strikes or propels the ball with his hand or arm; (this does not apply to the goalkeeper within his own penalty-area); shall be penalized by the award of a DFK to be taken by the opposing team from the place where the offence occurred, unless the offence is committed by a player in his opponents' goal-area, in which case the free-kick shall be taken from any point within the goal-area. 

Should a player of the defending team intentionally commit one of the above nine offences within the penalty-area, he shall be penalized by a PK

Except as otherwise provided by these Laws, a goal is scored when the whole of the ball has passed over the goal-line, between the goal-posts and under the cross-bar, provided it has not been thrown, carried or intentionally propelled by hand or arm, by a player of the attacking side, except in the case of a goalkeeper, who is within his own penalty-area. 

The team scoring the greater number of goals during a game shall be the winner; if no goals or an equal number of goals are scored, the game shall be termed a "draw"…

Get it?

[Ooh, that was a good explanation.]

SOTD: *Look at gormless faces* You didn't understand a single word of that, did you?

All: *Shake head*

SOTD: *Sigh* OK…Don't kick, bite, scratch, pull, trip up, jump at, punch, slap, hit, ram into, push, hold, spit at or charge at another opponent. The first team to get 5 goals wins the game. You get a goal by kicking this ball *raise ball* between these posts *Motion posts* like this *demonstrate*. Now, Yuuko's team needs to score in that goal *point*, and Tine and Sammy's in the other *point in other direction*. NOW, do you understand?

All: OOOOH. I gettit now!

[By George, they have it! I think they really have it!]

Yuuko: Yeah, but can they play?

Draco: *Shrug* I have never heard of this, _football_ thingy.

Yuuko: It's a muggle thing. 

Ron: Well, I think someone does…I think they had, posters that stood still…barmy!

Tine, Sammy, Yuuko: …

Steph: Don't get up to anything, now!

Nat: He, he, he.

Yuuko: Nat, I am not the one with a life-size poster of Dan Weekes on my bedroom ceiling, so that, and I quote, "I can wake up and the first thing I see is his face…"

Nat: *Blush*

Tine, Sammy: Aaw, bless.

SOTD: Hmm, this will be fun, remember reviewers, you are voting for the winner for the next chapter. So whom do you want to win?? Remember, you can e-mail me too, as many of you already have done!!

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

Ronald Weasley

George and Fred Weasley

Percy Weasley

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Arthur Weasley

James Potter

Peter (ICK) Pettigrew

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Severus Snape

Lucius Malfoy

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

Guilderoy Lockhart 

Cook, Eggy, Jordan 

Yuuko: Huh! Wonder if anyone will vote?

SOTD: What?

Draco: She said-

SOTD: I know what she said!

Draco: Oh…

Yuuko: I mean, why would people vote for a meaningless competition, in which non-existent people are competing to be the *finger quotation marks* "Babe Of Hogwarts"…it's daft!

Steph: …but then again, this whole situation is…

Nat: True, true.

SOTD: *Sigh* Listen, you must understand, all of the funniest stories don't really have a plot. That is why they are so funny. Besides, people have been voting until now. Why not now?

Yuuko: Hmm, I suppose. *Sigh* Can't wait until the next chapter…

Draco: Really? I can.

Yuuko: It was sarcasm, Draco, dear.

Draco: *Blush* Oh.

Steph: Ha, ha! I think he is a bit of a muff!

Yuuko: Steph, I have told you before, you really should be careful of what you say around SOTD.

Steph: Fine, I just won't say anything!

Nat: Oh, come off it, Steph!

Steph: …

Sammy: *Suddenly look away from Ron* What's going on?

Tine: *Roll eyes* Steph, come on. TALK!

Steph: …

Yuuko: OK, that's fine, then. We just won't talk to you.

Steph: Oh, why? …oh, that not talking thing worked.

All: …

Steph: Oh, for gods sake!

Harry: I won't ignore you.

Steph: Aaw, thanks.

Yuuko: *To Draco* And they try to deny it. Ha!

Draco: *Snigger*

SOTD: Right! Everyone get to his or her places! OK? *Blow whistle*


	19. The Winner is... (Second to last chptr)

**Again, and again…Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Tine, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! 

**Extra A/N:**  **Songs in bold**, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, I do not know who these people are, so please don't ask…

I'm afraid that this is the second to last chapter…so it will end on chapter 23…

THE WINNER IS… 

Lucius: WHAT!? That was a foul, you bloody ref!!

SOTD: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Lucius: Erm…I mean, that was a brilliant call! Brilliant!

Yuuko: *Sigh* Neither teams have scored…

Draco: Well…it might have turned out that way because

Harry and Sirius tried to kill Wormtail

Voldemort tried to claim a free kick when he kicked Harry

We laugh at their futile attempts at playing…need I go on?

Tine, Oliver, Ron, Sammy: Nope.

Yuuko: For everyone who wanted to know why we didn't have to play, it's because, well, we didn't want to.

Wormtail: 

We can do anything that we want, we can, we can,   
We can, we can do anything that we want

Why you gotta play that song so loud?_  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why you always around in crowds?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you have to dance all night?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you always say what's on your mind?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!_

Don't try to tell me what I already know  
Don't criticise me 'cause I'm running the show  
Some revolution is going to happen today  
I'm gonna chase the dark clouds away  
Come on and help me sing it

We can do what we want to do  
We can do anything  
Free to be who we want to be  
Just tell yourself you can do it!

Why you gotta play that song so loud?_  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why you always around in crowds?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you have to dance all night?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you always say what's on your mind?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!_

I'll throw a party for the world and my friends  
We'll take life easy, the music never ends  
Perfect solution to the stress and the strain  
I know the sun will follow the rain  
Come on and help me sing it

We can do what we want to do  
We can do anything  
Free to be who we want to be  
Just tell yourself you can do it!

Why you gotta play that song so loud?_  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why you always around in crowds?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you have to dance all night?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you always say what's on your mind?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!_

We can do anything that we want, we can, we can,  
we can, we can do anything that we want

So shake it, move it, use the groove  
Go with the flow and take over the show  
Let me tell you it's sweet and it's an up-beat  
Me and the crew, there's nothing we can't do

If you wanna catch this vibe then get with us  
Come on and help me sing it!

We can do what we want to do  
We can do anything  
Free to be who we want to be  
Just tell yourself you can do it!

Why you gotta play that song so loud?_  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why you always around in crowds?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you have to dance all night?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!  
Why d'you always say what's on your mind?  
Because we want to! Because we want to!_

All: okaaay…

Yuuko: That was strange…

SOTD: LISTEN UP!

ALL: *Jump*

SOTD: I have the results from reviews and emails for the BABES OF HOGWARTS competition. This is actually amazing… It isn't rigged, either! I didn't need to! There are joint at third, joint at second, and joint at first people! 

Yuuko: Cool! Must have been hell sorting them out!

SOTD: Yep.

[Right, then. Are we having the results?]

SOTD: Yep. In joint third… *Drum roll*… Remus Lupin and Oliver Wood!!

All: *Clap, clap*

Oliver, Lupin: *Get a lolly and a bronze heart statue*

SOTD: And in joint second… *Another drum roll*… Tom Riddle and Severus Snape!

All: *Clap, clap*

Voldemort, Snape: *Get lolly and Silver wand statue*

SOTD: Well, now all there is, is the joint first place winners…

All: *Nervous hush*

SOTD: …Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!!

All: *Clap, whoop, whistle*

Harry, Draco: *Go to front and get a chocolate bar*

SOTD: And for the winners… *Unveil statue, made out of gold, of them both*

All: Ooh, aah…

Harry, Draco: …wow…

Yuuko: Impressive. Well done.

SOTD: Broke into the bank.

Steph: Oh. Right…

SOTD: Sooo…lets partay!

[Okay, the authoress said party, so PARTY!]

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"Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey

****

[Phew! It's after the party and everyone is recovering…sort of.]

Yuuko: *Die laughing*

Draco: What is so funny?

Steph: Phht! *Burst into laughter again.

All: ?

Yuuko: We have this…this thing from and it is, and I quote 'The following is an excerpt from a children's book,   
"Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey

All: …

Natalie: Your names are all just completely… *Laugh again*

Yuuko: … The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... 

Voldemort: HA! He has nothing on me!

Yuuko: Your name is 'Pinky Cootienose'!!

Voldemort: WHAT?! How about everyone else?

Yuuko: Draco, you are 'Poopsie Diaperbreath'

Draco: *Laugh* Sweet!

Steph: Harry, your name is 'Loopy Bubblesniffer'

SOTD: Why don't you just read the names out as a list?

Nat: That is just FAR too intelligent an idea for us!

Lucius: …clearly…

Yuuko: *Demonic glare* WHAT?

Lucius: Nothing!

Harry Potter                             Loopy Bubblesniffer

Draco Malfoy                           Poopsie Diaperbreath

Ronald Weasley                       Zippy Girdlefanny

George and Fred Weasley            Goober and Crusty Girdlefanny

Percy Weasley                         Loopy Girdlefanny

Charlie Weasley                       Poopsie Girdlefanny

Bill Weasley                             Booger Girdlefanny

Arthur Weasley                        Tulefel Girdlefanny

Oliver Wood                            Chim-chim Bubblenose

Neville Longbottom                  Squeezit Bubblepants

James Potter                             Pinkly Bubblesniffer

Sirius Black                              Loopy Liverface

Remus Lupin                            Pinky Chickenlips

Peter (ICK!) Pettigrew            Tulefel Crustysniffer

Tom [Marvolo] Riddle  Pinky Cootienose

Severus Snape                          (My fave!) Squeezit Rhinobiscuits

Lucius Malfoy                           Buttercup Diaperbreath

Guilderoy Lockhart                      Chim-chim Bubblebutt XD

Hermione Granger                        Loopy Gizzardchunks

Lily Potter                                Booger Bubblesniffer

Sarah Abbey                            Loopy Toilettush

Minerva McGonagall                  Zippy Lizardchunks… eew

Molly Weasley             Booger Girdlefanny

Kylie Minogue              Booger Cootiehiney

Yuuko Mackay                        Dorkey Diaperbutt

Stephanie Cole             Crusty Bubbletush

Natalie Price                             Tulefel Gizzardface

Tine Goethals                           Zippy Bubblesniffer

Cook                                       Gidget Bubblebutt

Jordan                                      Loopy Gigglesniffer

Eggy                                         Loopy Picklefanny

SOTD: If you want me to email you the thing I got these from, then email me, or review, if u want! 

Lucius: Buttercup…

Voldemort: Pinky…

Yuuko: Aren't they a larf?!

Draco: *Laughing*

Snape: …rhino biscuits?

Steph, Nat, Tine: *Killing themselves laughing*

Harry: Dad, can't you see the funny side? I mean, Professor Snape, Squeezit Rhinobiscuits…? *Start laughing again*

Lily: *Suppressed laughter* You have to admit, darling, that they are funny…

Sirius: Liverface?

Wormtail: Ha, ha! *Realises mistake a bit too late*

Sirius: What was that, _Tulefel Crustysniffer?_

Wormtail: EEK! *Run away*

Sirius: *Give chase*

Tine: Erm…SOTD?

SOTD: Yes?

Tine: Lockhart and Lupin have fainted…

SOTD: *Snort* …wimps…

Draco, Harry: *Sudden urge to sing* 

One look at love and you may see

it weaves a web over mystery,

all ravelled threads can rend apart

for hope has a place in the lover's heart.

Hope has a place in a lover's heart. 

Whispering world,a sigh of sighs,

The ebb and the flow of the ocean tides.

One breath, one word may end or may start

a hope in a place of the lover's heart.

Hope has a place in a lover's heart. 

Look to love you may dream,

and if it should leave then give it wings.

But if such a love is meant to be;

Hope is home, and the heart is free 

Under the heavens we journey far,

on roads of life we're the wanderers,

So let love rise, so let love depart,

Let hope have a place in the lover's heart.

Hope has a place in a lover's heart. 

Look to love and you may dream,

and if it should leave then give it wings.

But if such a love is meant to be;

Hope is home, and the heart is free.

Hope is home, and the heart is free.

Yuuko, Steph: Aaw.

Nat: *To Tine and Sammy* Wasn't that Enya?

Sammy: Err, yeah…

Lucius:

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark,

For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart,

To weave by picking up the pieces that remain,

Melodies of life - love's lost refrain. 

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.

We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?

Let them ring out loud till they unfold. 

In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me.

Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name. 

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.

Adding up the layers of harmony.

And so it goes, on and on.

Melodies of life,

To the sky beyond the flying birds - forever and beyond. 

So far and away, see the birds as it flies by.

Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky.

I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings.

Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings. 

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?

Was it fate that brought us close and now leave me behind? 

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.

Adding up the layers of harmony.

And so it goes, on and on.

Melodies of life,

To the sky beyond the flying bird - forever and on. 

If I should leave this lonely world behind,

Your voice will still remember our melody.

Now I know we'll carry on.

Melodies of life,

Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts,

As long as we remember.

All: Who was that for…?

Lucius: I refrain to comment.

All: …*Shudder*

Cook, Jordan, Eggy, Tom, James B: 

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful

A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical

And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily

Joyfully, playfully watching me

But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible

Logical, responsible, practical

And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable

Clinical, intellectual, cynical

There are times when all the world's asleep

The questions run too deep for such a simple man

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned

I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical

Liberal, fanatical, criminal

Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're acceptable

Respecable, presentable, a vegtable!

At night, when all the world's asleep

The questions run so deep for such a simple man

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned

I know it sounds absurd, but please tell me who I am

Yuuko: And why are _they_ singing THE **LOGICAL** SONG by Supertramp?

Steph: Hey, this is a fanfic, there is no logic.

Nat: True, true.

James P: *To Lily*

(When I first saw you, I saw love. And the  
first time you touched me, I felt love. And  
after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it  
Look how far we've come my baby  
We mighta took the long way  
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"  
But just look at us holing on  
We're still together still going strong 

(You're still the one)  
You're still the one I run to  
The one that I belong to  
You're still the one I want for life  
(You're still the one)  
You're still the one that I love  
The only one I dream of  
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better  
We beat the odds together  
I'm glad we didn't listen  
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"  
But just look at us holing on  
We're still together still going strong 

 (You're still the one)  
You're still the one I run to  
The one that I belong to  
You're still the one I want for life  
(You're still the one)  
You're still the one that I love  
The only one I dream of  
You're still the one I kiss good night 

(You're still the one)  
You're still the one I run to  
The one that I belong to  
You're still the one I want for life  
(You're still the one)  
You're still the one that I love  
The only one I dream of  
You're still the one I kiss good night)

I'm so glad we made it  
Look how far we've come my baby

All: Aaw…how cute!

Harry: *Sigh*

Steph: *Look at Harry*

Wormtail: EEW! 

All: *Glare at Wormtail*

Yuuko: Go and sit in a sinking submarine, or something!

Wormtail:

In the town where I was born   
Lived a man who sailed to sea   
And he told us of his life   
In the land of submarines 

So we sailed up to the sun   
Till we found the sea of green   
And we lived beneath the waves   
In our yellow submarine 

We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine   
We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine 

And our friends are all on board   
Many more of them live next door   
And the band begins to play 

We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine   
We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine 

As we live a life of ease   
Everyone of us has all we need   
Sky of blue and sea of green   
In our yellow submarine. 

We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine   
We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine 

We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine   
We all live in our yellow submarine,   
Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

All: …

Sirius: It really is tragic, isn't it?

All: *nod, nod*

Yuuko: It's your fault!! *Point to Voldy*

Voldemort: *Look up from Hog's weekly* Huh?

Yuuko: Never mind…

SOTD: Right, children, it's time for beddy bies!

All: *Yawn*

SOTD: Nighty night…

*Lights go out…*


	20. This is really goodbye (LAST CHPTR! WAA)

**Tra la, la, la, laaaaaa, it's the Disclaimer:**__All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sammy, S.O.T.D, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, Tom and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'* *Turns to pray to Snape, Draco and Tom Riddle shrine*

**Plot:** Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos! AND to top it all off, the evil authoress, SOTD, is making them humiliate themselves!! Wahoo!

**Extra A/N:** *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and Dan Weekes-Hannah has been sent home after people started to wonder where he was. (PS, moments of Déjà vu may appear…)

Thank you, everyone, for reading my story, even if you didn't review. This is the 23rd chapter, and, as promised, it is a bit of a weepy one. This was finished a while ago…and I ran out of ideas, so here it is… Get your tissues ready. Hopefully, I got the mix of humour and weepiness just rite. I'm sorry if it just seems tacky. BACK-TO-BACK SONGS!

We Will All Go Out With A Bang… 

**This is really Goodbye**

[…Okay…]

All: What?

[SOTD wants a word.]

All: …ooh, yippee….

[Actually, this is quite serious.]

Yuuko: *Look at Draco*

Draco: *Shrug* 

Steph: Erm…is it a scary serious…?

SOTD: No….

Harry: You seem quiet…

SOTD: Thank-you, all of you, for staying her through the 23 chapters of hell I put you through…

Voldemort: Damn straight.

SOTD: I'm afraid that the petition against me finishing this story has failed. Therefore, chapter 23, this chapter, is the last. 

All: …

SOTD: You are all going home…

Steph: Our petition…

Tine: …failed?

Voldemort: But, but…

SOTD: *Smile* I would have thought that you would be happy to be out of here.

[He, they would have been, had you told them this in chapter 2.]

Harry: Exactly. We have been together for goodness knows how long! I'll miss people… *Look at Steph*

SOTD: I'm afraid that alone, this is too much work! I mean, looking after you lot is tough stuff. Besides, I have to return you just in case the Ministry or the police are looking for you.

Lucius: *Frantic* That could be sorted out!

Lily: But, but… *Look at Harry, tears in eyes*

James: *Put arm around Lily*

Remus: At least we met again, James, Lily.

Sirius: Yeah, it was great. Thanks, SOTD.

SOTD: *Sad smile*

Harry: …yeah… thanks for giving me the chance to meet my parents. *Hug James and Lily*

Hermione: This has been so much fun. I got used to this so much.

Cook: Yeah, thanks for putting us in it, although we got tortured on many occasions…

Ron: *Hug Sammy*

Arthur: *Grin* Sometimes things got really confusing…

Bill: …it was terrible at times…

Charlie: …but it was fun. 

Kylie: It was good coming back here after all these years.

All: …

SOTD: Come on! Snap out of it! 

All: *Look up, confused* 

SOTD: Are you gonna let the readers see you mope, or are you going to give them the best last chapter ever?

Draco: *Smirk*

All: …

SOTD: …this is far too dismal for my liking! *Snaps fingers and produces a crowd filled with everyone who has ever reviewed my story! Yay!* *Play CD*

Kylie: *Get up on table*

Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now   
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion) 

All: ?

  
I know you'll get to like it If you give it a chance now   
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)   
My little baby sister can do it with ease   
It's easier than learning your abc's   
So come on, come on, Do the loco-motion with me   
  


All: *Start dancing along*

  
You gotta swing your hips now   
Come on baby, jump up, hmmm jump back   
Oh well I think you got the knack   
  
Now that you can do it   
Let's make a chain now   
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)   
Chug-a, chug-a motion like a railway train now   
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)   
Do it nice and easy now don't lose control   
A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul   
So come on, come on,   
Do the loco-motion with me   
  
You gotta swing your hips now   
Come on, come on, Do the loco-motion with me   
Yeah Chug chug (sampling)   
  
Move around the floor in a loco-motion   
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)   
Do it holding hands if you got the notion  
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)   
There's never been a dance that's so easy to do   
It even makes you happy   
When you're feeling blue   
So come on come on do the loco-motion with me   
  
You gotta swing your hips now   
  
Come on, come on, Do the loco-motion with me   
Yeah Come on, come on, Do the loco-motion with me   
You gotta swing your hips now

Natalie, Steph: 

Natalie: I'm dying...

I was a fool to believe.

A fool to believe.

It all ends today.

Yes, it all ends today...

Steph: Send Voldy over the edge of sanity. Only you can save us.

Nat: He'll fight for his rights…

Steph: Yes. Unless he believes you love him.

Nat: What? 

Steph: You're a great actress, Natalie. Make him believe you love him.

Nat: No. I mean, ew.

Steph: Use your talent to crush him. Hurt him. Hurt him reeeeaally bad. There is no other way. The show must go on, Natalie. We're creatures of the normal world. We can't afford to let him live.

Nat: Today's a day…

Both: When dreaming ends.

Steph:

Another hero.

Another mindless crime.

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.

On and on... does anybody know what we are living for?

(Women join in) What ever happened? We leave it all to chance. Another heartache. Another failed romance. 

On and on... does anybody know what we are living for?

The show must go on!

The show must go on!

Outside the dawn is breaking on the stage that holds our final destiny...

The show must go on!

The show must go on!

Nat:

Inside my heart is breaking.

My makeup may be flaky

But my smile still stays on...

Steph;

The show must go on!

The show must go on!

Nat:

I'll top the bill!

I'll earn the kill!

I have to find the will to carry on...

Steph and Nat:

...With the

On... with the

On... with the show!

Steph:

On with the show!

On with the show!

The show must go on, on.

The show... must... go on

Wormtail: *Dance strangely*

Sirius: Wormtail, you are a…

Sirius, Lupin, James:

Tragedy

Here I lie in a lost and lonely part of town

Held in time, in a world of tears I slowly drown

Going home, I just can't make it all alone

I really should be holding you, holding you

Loving you, loving you

Tragedy, when the feeling's gone and you can't go on

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and you don't know why

It's hard to bear, with no one to love you you're going nowhere

Tragedy, when you lose control and you got no soul

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and you don't know why

It's hard to bear, with no one beside you you're going nowhere

Night and day, there's a burning down inside of me, oh

Burning love with a yearning that won't let me be

Down I go and I just can't take it all alone

I really should be holding you, holding you

Loving you, loving you

Tragedy, when the feeling's gone and you can't go on

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and you don't know why

It's hard to bear, with no one to love you you're going nowhere

Tragedy, when you lose control and you got no soul

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and you don't know why

It's hard to bear, with no one beside you you're going nowhere

Tragedy, when the feeling's gone and you can't go on

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and you don't know why

It's hard to bear, with no one to love you you're going nowhere

Tragedy, when you lose control and you got no soul

It's tragedy, when the morning cries and your heart just dies

It's hard to bear, with no one beside you you're going nowhere

Oh

Wormtail: Gee, thanks, _Black_.

SOTD: OI! Don't insult Sirius!

Steph: Ooh, why not?

SOTD: Because Wormtail's an ugly piece of crap that deserves to get smacked in the face by ten dozen Bludgers.

Natalie: It would be an improvement.

SOTD: Hmm, now _there's_ a thought. *Snap fingers and Wormtail disappears, shortly afterwards screams of pain can be heard, then, silence*

All: …

Happy nation living in a happy nation  
where the people understand   
and dream of the perfect man  
a situation leading to sweet salvation  
for the people for the good  
for mankind brotherhood  
  
we're travelling in time  
  
ideas by man are only that will last  
and over time we've learned from the past  
that no man's fit to rule the world alone  
a man will die but not his ideas  
  
happy nation...  
  
we're travelling in time  
travelling in time  
  
tell them we've gone too far  
tell them we've gone too far  
happy nation come through   
and I will dance with you  
happy nation  
  
happy nation...

Wormtail: …what about me…? Ugh… *Collapse*

SOTD: *Sarcastic beyond belief* Oh, deary me.

Sammy: *Drool whilst staring at Ron*

Tine, Steph, Nat, Yuuko:  
  
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever makes me happy and sets you free...  
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever keeps me in your arms 

Like a rock, you waited so patiently  
While I got it together   
While I figured it out  
I only looked, but I never touched   
'Cause in my heart was a picture of us   
Holdin' hands, making plans and lucky for me you understand 

What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever makes me happy sets you free  
And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly   
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever keeps me in your arms   
And I'm thanking you for being there for me  
Yeah yeah 

A weaker man might have walked away  
But you had faith  
Strong enough to move over and give me space  
While I got it together   
While I figured it out   
They say if you love something let it go   
If it comes back, it's yours  
That's how you know  
It's for keeps yeah, it's for sure   
And you're ready and willin' to give me more than 

What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever makes me happy sets you free  
And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly   
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever keeps me in your arms   
And I'm thanking you for being there for me  
Yeah, yeah 

A girl needs somebody sensitive but tough   
Somebody there when the goin' gets rough   
Every night he'll be giving his love  
To just one girl 

Somebody cool but real tender too  
Somebody, baby, just like you  
Can keep me hangin' around  
With the one who always knew 

What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever makes me happy sets you free  
And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly   
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever keeps me in your arms   
And I'm thanking you for being there for me  
Yeah, yeah 

What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever makes me happy sets you free  
And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly   
What a girl wants  
What a girl needs   
Whatever keeps me in your arms   
And I'm thanking you for being there for me  
Yeah, yeah 

Sammy: *Rush over to Ron*

Oliver: *Cuddling Tine on the couch, oo-err* God, it seems like only yesterday that we first met…

Tine: …yeah…

Bill, Charlie, Percy: 

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be,  
There's a shadow hanging over me.  
Oh, yesterday came suddenly. 

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday. 

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.  
Now I need a place to hide away.  
Oh, I believe in yesterday. 

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday. 

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.  
Now I need a place to hide away.  
Oh, I believe in yesterday. 

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm. 

Tine: Okaaay, random event…

Sarah: *Stare at the group consisting of Cook, Jordan, Eggy, Tom and James*

Cook: I tell you Jordan, it's you!

Jordan: Err, no. I actually think it's you.

Tom: Nah, his heart belongs to Natalie.

Dan: HEY!

Tom: Sorry!

Natalie: So you should be!

James: HA! Tortured!

Eggy: You know, it might be James…

Yuuko: Well, why don't you walk in different directions and see whom she stares at.

Cook, Eggy, Jordan, Tom, James: *Walk in separate directions*

Sarah: *Keep staring in same direction*

All: …?

Draco: Erm…is she broken?

Harry: *Snort* Yeah, right.

Yuuko: *Wave hand in front of Sarah's face* Hellooooooooo?

Sarah: *Even more blank than usual*

Steph: Hmm, batteries must have run out

Yuuko: Wow, those BRAND-NAME batteries do go on and on and on and on… until they don't, of course. Because then they stop. But these went on and on and on and on and on…

Steph: WE GET IT!

Natalie: Much like Sarah's singing, really. She started to sing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the other day.

Tine: And what's wrong with them??

Steph: Nothing…it's Sarah's singing that is the problem.

Tine: Oh. *Get back to hugging Oliver*

Oliver: *Sigh*

Tine: ? What's wrong?

Oliver:

Here in the moment I belong  
In a waking dream  
The night is young But isn't long  
If you know what I mean  
Oh it's beautiful  
The thought of what might be  
Close your eyes so you can see  
  
I am only here for a little while  
Would you like to take me out tonight  
Maybe we could talk for a little while baby  
  
Now we've only just begun  
We're running out of time  
I don't want to think about the sun  
No, not tonight  
Oh, it's wonderful 

You being here with me  
Close your eyes so you can see  
  
I am only here for a little while  
Would you like to take me out tonight  
Maybe we could talk for a little while baby  
Don't hold back, it's time for a love affair  
Take my hand and lead me to anywhere  
Maybe there's something in the air baby  
  
Together here, together now  
In the moment that we met  
Remember here, remember now  
It's too easy to forget  
  
Oh, it's wonderful you being here with me  
Close your eyes so you can see  
  
I am only here for a little while  
Would you like to take me out tonight  
Maybe we could talk for a little while baby  
Don't hold back, it's time for a love affair  
Take my hand and lead me to anywhere  
Maybe there's something in the air baby

I am only here for a little while  
Would you like to take me out tonight  
Maybe we could talk for a little while baby  
Don't hold back, it's time for a love affair  
Take my hand and lead me to anywhere  
Maybe there's something in the air baby

Kylie: Ooh, that was very good! That song seems familiar…hmm…

Tine: Aaw. I think I'll comply. *Grab Oliver*

Voldemort: Lucius, it seems like this began as a nightmare…

Lucius: …I think it was a moment that we were stuck in. We just couldn't get out of it.

SOTD: *Evil smirk*

Voldemort, Lucius: *both wearing ridiculous yellow shades*

I'm not afraid  
Of anything in this world  
There's nothing you can throw at me  
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find  
A decent melody  
A song that I can sing  
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool  
But darling look at you  
You gotta stand up straight  
Carry your own weight  
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better  
Now you're stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake  
The colours that you bring  
The nights you filled with fireworks  
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted  
By the light you brought to me  
I listen through your ears  
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool  
To worry like you do  
I know it's tough  
And you can never get enough  
Of what you don't really need now  
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now  
You've got yourself stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep  
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall  
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better  
Now you're stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over  
And if the day won't last  
And if our way should falter  
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over  
And if the day won't last  
And if your way should falter  
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment  
This time will pass

All: *Laugh at them*

Cook: How dare you! U2 are a class band!

Jordan: *Smack Cook with ruler* Ha, ha!

Eggy, James, Tom: *Get Cooks 'stuff and throws it in the bin*

Cook: Oh, ha, ha. That is just sooooo original, NOT.

Jordan: *Shrug* Hell, who cares about originality, it's fun!

Harry: *Look at Steph*

Steph: *Look at Harry*

All: *Look at ceiling* 

Steph, Harry:

Harry: My love,  
There's only you in my life  
The only thing that's bright 

Steph: My first love,  
You're every breath that I take  
You're every step I make 

Harry: And I 

Steph: I-I-I-I-I 

Harry: I want to share 

BOTH: All my love with you 

Harry: No one else will do... 

Steph: And your eyes 

Harry: Your eyes, your eyes 

BOTH: They tell me how much you care  
Ooh yes, you will always be  
My endless love 

BOTH: Two hearts,  
Two hearts that beat as one  
Our lives have just begun 

Steph: Forever 

Harry: Ohhhhhh 

BOTH: I'll hold you close in my arms  
I can't resist your charms 

Steph: And love 

Harry: Oh, love 

BOTH: I'll be a fool  
For you,  
I'm sure 

Steph: You know I don't mind 

Harry: Oh, you know I don't mind 

BOTH: 'Cause you,  
You mean the world to me  
Oh 

Steph: I know 

Harry: I know 

BOTH: I've found in you  
My endless love 

Harry: Oooh-woow 

BOTH: Boom, boom  
Boom, boom, boom, boom, booom  
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom 

BOTH: Oooh, and love 

Harry: Oh, love 

BOTH: I'll be that fool   
For you,   
I'm sure 

Steph: You know I don't mind 

Harry: Oh you know- 

BOTH: I don't mind 

BOTH: And, YES  
You'll be the only one  
'Cause NO one can deny  
This love I have inside  
And I'll give it all to you 

Harry: My love 

Steph: My love, my love 

BOTH: My endless love…

All: Aaw…

Steph, Harry: *Heart eyes at each other*

Lucius: Yeuch! That is sick!

Yuuko, Draco: *Glare at Lucius*

Lucius: Eep!

Voldemort: *Sigh* Scared of his own son…pathetic.

Yuuko: …and you have only just noticed…?

Voldemort: I think I really need to re-evaluate my Death-Eater scheme.

Harry: How about setting up your base on the moon.

Voldemort: oh, ha, ha, hardy ha, not.

Fred: Hey, Voldy!

Voldemort: Don't call me that!

Yuuko: We shall call you whatever we want to, Voldy, baby.

All: *Snigger*

Voldemort: *Does not know how to go red, so goes blue instead*

Draco: He, he, he.

Steph: *Mouth wide open*

Yuuko: Steph, you'll catch flies. Steph. Steph?

Steph: *Points*

Yuuko: …?

Natalie: *Turn around*

Neville: NO! Not like that! Can't you do ANYTHING USEFUL??

All: *Look up from various activities, shocked*

Neville: Right. Now, do it!

Snape: …sorry…

Lockhart: We'll try harder…

Neville: Yeah, you had better!

All: *Faint*

Yuuko: …SOTD, did…

SOTD: I did nothing. Well, not to make them do this…

Neville, Snape, Lockhart:

All the old paintings on the tombs  
They do the sand dance, dont you know  
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)  
They're falling down like a domino.

All the bazaar men by the Nile  
They got their money on a bet  
Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)  
They snap their teeth on your cigarette.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays  
They spin around and they cross the floor  
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)  
You drop your drink, then they bring you more.

All the school kids so sick of books  
They like the punk and the metal band  
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)  
They're walking like an Egyptian.

All the kids in the market place say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian.

Slide your feet up the street, bend your back  
Shift your arm, then you pull it back  
Life is hard, you know (oh whey oh)  
So strike a pose on a Cadillac.

If you want to find all the cops  
They're hanging out in the donut shop  
They sing and dance (oh whey oh)  
Spin the clubs, cruise down the block.

All the Japanese with their yen  
The party boys call the Kremlin  
And the Chinese know (oh whey oh)  
They walk the line like Egyptian.

All the cops in the donut shop say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian  
Walk like an Egyptian.

All: *Do Egyptian dance thingy*

Natalie: *Look s over at Dan*

You give me strength when I am weak

You mellow my soul with your sanctuary

What else could I do

When all I am is you

You set me free and now I fly again 

We've found a deeper love

And a deeper meaning

And it's like a deeper feeling

A deeper love

And a deeper meaning

And it's right so live and breathe it

Deeper Love (let's get deeper love) 

You made me whole you made me complete

The song of your soul echoes in me

What else could it do?

When I find myself in you

You give me hope and I shine again 

We've found a deeper love

And a deeper meaning

And it's like a deeper feeling

A deeper love

And a deeper meaning

And it's right so live and breathe it

All: Aaw…

Lucius: Its-

Yuuko: *Shoot warning glance at Lucius and Voldy*

Lucius: -absolutely wonderful!

Yuuko, Draco:

I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time  
To spend an evening with me  
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance  
You won't be leaving with me

And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place  
And have a drink or two

  
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid  
Like: "I love you"

I can see it in your eyes, that you despise the same old lies  
You heard the night before  
And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true  
It never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever lines to say  
To make the meaning come through  
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late   
And I'm alone with you

The time is right your perfume fills my head, the stars get red  
And oh the night's so blue

  
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid  
Like: "I love you"  
("I love you, I love you...")

Crowd Of Reviewers: Aaw…how sweet!

Lucius: My son and a muggle… *Faint*

Crowd Of Reviewers: *Roll eyes*

SOTD: I did make you five witches, right?

Yuuko, Steph, Nat, Sammy, Tine: Err, yep.

SOTD: So technically, you aren't muggers.

Yuuko: No, we aren't…nor are we muggles.

Natalie: Crime doesn't pay, you know. 

Steph: Promoting crime, SOTD, you should be ashamed!

SOTD: Huh… Oh, you are criticizing my typing, huh?

Sammy: *Smirk* Yep.

Tine: *Nod, nod*

SOTD: Gee, touching.

Draco: Say, what happened to Wormtail?

Harry: *Shrug* Who knows?

Yuuko: *Shrug* Who cares?

Steph: …hey, guys…

All: *look at Steph*

Steph: …you know, this is the last time we will all be together…

Harry: …yeah.

Yuuko: It was really fun, you know? I loved it here, even though sometimes it got on my nerves…

Draco: *Smile* Yeah… It was great.

Ron, Sammy, Tine, Oliver: *Nod, nod*

Snape: I'm going to miss this. Not teaching potions! Heaven!

Neville: …and I learnt that Professor Snape isn't as scary as he makes out to be.

Charlie: …or Lucius Malfoy…

Bill: …or Sirius Black…

Yuuko: …or Voldy baby.

Voldemort: I wish you wouldn't call me that…

Yuuko: But Voldy _dah­_-ling, baby, sweedie, you are such a sex icon! All the girls will call it out, imagine… *Lean forward, emphasising words with hand* Voldy baby, Voldy baby, Voldy baby…

Voldemort: *Imagining* 

Yuuko: *Stand straight* Know what? You're right. It's daft, really.

James: *Look at Harry* I wish we could have spent more time together, son.

Lily: *Tears in eyes* It was wonderful to have seen you, Harry…

Harry: Yeah. 

*Group hug*

SOTD: Aaw. How sweet. In approximately 10 minutes you will all be let out of the Great Hall, all to be free and do what you want to. You are all leaving!

Hermione: We're going home!

All:

I have been given

One moment from heaven

As I am walking

Surrounded by night,

Stars high above me

Make a wish under moonlight. 

On my way home

I remember

Only good days.

On my way home

I remember all the best days.

I'm on my way home

I can remember

Every new day. 

I move in silence

With each step taken,

Snow falling round me

Like angels in flight,

Far in the distance

Is my wish under moonlight

Crowd Of Reviewers: *Dance along*

All:

Celebrate good times come on

(lets celebrate)

Celebrate good times come on

(lets celebrate)

Celebrate good times come on

(lets celebrate)

Celebrate good times come on

(lets celebrate)

There's a party goin' on right here

A celebration to last throughout the year

So bring your good times and your laughter too

We're gonna celebrate your party with you

Come on now

Celebrate good times come on

(lets celebrate)

Celebrate good times come on

(Celebration let's all celebrate and have a good time)

It's time to come together it's up to you

What's your pleasure

Everyone around the world 

Everyone around the world 

Everyone around the world come on

It's a celebration

It's a celebration

Celebrate good times come on

(It's a celebration)

Celebrate good times come on

(Lets celebrate)

We're gonna have a good time tonight

Let's celebrate it's all right

We're gonna have a good time tonight

Let's celebrate it's all right

We're gonna have a good time tonight

Let's celebrate it's all right

We're gonna have a good time tonight

Let's celebrate it's all right

Celebrate good times come on

(It's a celebration)

Celebrate good times come on

(Woo hoo)

All: *Party*

SOTD: Right, the Doors will now be opened!

*Doors swing open*

Yuuko: I don't suppose any of us will meet again.

Steph: …no…

All: …

Yuuko: Hey, we'll visit as often as possible! Right?

Steph, Nat, Tine, Sammy: *Nod, nod*

Draco: …good luck and all…

Harry: Yeah.

Yuuko: …well, bye then.

Draco: …bye…

*All walk their separate ways back to normal life. But they all know that that isn't possible, that normal life is not an option after this experience. They all shed a tear for each other, and Walk On…*

And Love is not the Easy thing

The only baggage you can bring…

And Love is not the Easy thing

The only baggage you can bring…

Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off

And if your glass heart should crack

And for a second you turn back

Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got, they can't steal it

No they can't even feel it

Walk on, walk on…

Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been before

A place that has to be believed to be seen

You could have flown away

A singing bird in an open cage

Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it

Can't sell it, can't buy it

Walk on, walk on

Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches

And your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Home…hard to know what it is if you've never had one

Home…I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home

That's where the hurt is

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can't leave behind

All that you reason

All that you sense

All that you speak

All you dress up

All that you scheme

But there is more…

10 MINUTES LATER…IN THE CONYERS SPORTS HALL, OF ALL PLACES…

Yuuko: …

Steph: …well…

Tine: Hello again.

Sammy: Yeah, ditto. This your school?

Nat: *Nod* *Sarcastic* Great, isn't it?

Yuuko: *Little squeak, point to door*

Draco: As happy as I am to see you too, why am I seeing you?

Yuuko: …beats me…but who really cares?

Harry: Hi Steph.

Steph: Hiya.

Lucius: My Lord…?

Voldemort: Don't ask, Lucius. Just don't ask.

Sammy: Ron!

Ron: Sam! Yay! *Embrace*

Fred, George: Lucky bugger…

Yuuko: Hiya Sev.

Snape: *In bunny pyjamas* Why am I…hang on, _where_ am I?

SOTD: You, my friends, are in the Sports Hall of Conyers School.

All: *Gasp* SOTD!!!

SOTD: As you might have guessed, this is my doing. Well, not ALL my doing…

Pandora: You bet.

Apocalypse: Ya ha.

Devil's Advocate: He, he, he…

Yuuko: Now, kids, do _you_ see the pattern emerging? Answers on a postcard to the usual address!

Oliver: Wha?

Yuuko: Muggle thing.

Tina: OLIVER! *Run over*

Remus: Why Severus, I never knew you liked bunnies!

Snape: Well, now you do!

James: No need to be like that, Sev.

Harry: MUM! DAD! Yay!

Voldemort: *Sigh* I think I'll retire soon. Bask in the glorious sunshine of Egypt…no, Cyprus? Nah, hmm…

SOTD: AHEM!!

All: *Jump*

SOTD: Let me introduce you to your sufficient halves, Steph, meet Apocalypse, Tine, meet Pandora, and Natalie, meet Devil's advocate.

Steph, Nat, Tine: …hi…

Pandora: SOTD said she was a bit troubled trying to keep you all 'busy'…

Apocalypse: Sooo, we decided that this story is just far too good to stop, and decided to help out!

Nat: When did we split?

Devil: Well, when you first decided that fanfics are good…

Steph: Yuuko, this is your fault!

Draco: Hey! Leave her alone!

Yuuko: Aaw, thanks.

Steph: You keep out of this!

Draco: Shut up you Retarded freak!

Harry: Keep your mouth closed, you stuck-up prick!!

Draco: That's IT!! *Lunge for Harry*

Yuuko: *To Steph* You know, I think I see your point.

Steph: *Nod, nod*

All: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!

Authoresses: …ahem…

All: YES?!

SOTD: Will you lot please shut up? I have a bit of explaining to do!

Yuuko: Go ahead, oh all-powerful one.

SOTD: Hmm, good to see you know where you stand. Anyway, the reason you are at Conyers School in Yarm, UK, is that, well, you spent so much time in the great hall that it was becoming boring…so we decided that a small time in the Sports Hall here will be…fun…Mwahaha! Oh, and for the initiation of the new Authoresses, they need to think of a storyline each! Pandora first!!

Pandora: Mwahaha!

SOTD: Hmm, good, but needs more oomph. Like this; MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

All: *Shudder*

Yuuko: *Holding cloth to Draco's bleeding forehead* Ice Queen…

Draco: *Bleeding* The one and only.

SOTD: Now, then kiddies. You can see that this is a tad smaller than your Great Hall, but it'll do. 

Yuuko: *Sigh*

Draco: Yahoo……

Steph: I need an alcoholic drink…

Natalie: Hey! That's my line!

Dan: You drink a lot?

Nat: Err, no. Of course not…

SOTD: Well, have fun!

Pandora, Devil's A, Apoc: Byebye!

Yuuko: *To Draco* Well, at least we meet again…

All: …yay…


End file.
